4 month mark, questioning my feelings

[warrior]

Hi Everyone! I am in my second relationship of my life really, with the first one being 9 months, but with a person who was wrong right from the very first day. I am now with someone who I could seriously see myself for the rest of my life. We have some things to work out, but we both work towards that.

 

My issue comes from questioning my feelings for this girl though. We had a rocky beginning, but I was still infatuated out of mind with her. Eventually though, the problems that we had caught up and I decided to break up. Well, that breakup lasted two days and we have been together ever since. In fact, the relationship took an almost 180 degree turnaround after that 2 day break. This was 2+ months ago.

 

In many ways things are better than they have ever been, and even though I am not totally infatuated with her, I still want to be with her. My dilemma comes from this though.... I am asking myself do I love her or not? Well, I care for her, and I miss her, but I don't have this burning desire to call her "right now" and to be with her "right now". Throughout a day or two, I can definitely enjoy some time apart actually, and I've found myself looking around at other girls. Not actually looking for a new girl, but just thinking... "this one is pretty, and this one is prettier than my girl".

 

People say that you know when you love someone, and what scares me so much is that I am not sure if *love* her. I am not infatuated with her anymore, but I definitely still want to be with her too.

 

I suppose my question comes down to be: is it possible to be with someone who you like, be on good relations, and then not fall into what's called "true love"? She says that she loves me and misses me like crazy, and it makes me think if our relationship is fair to her if I dont feel those intense emotions right now.

[FenderRocker17]

cant help ya that much..all i can say is that u probably jsut like her, not lvoe her. i mean no offence but i think u guys are better off as just friends if u seem to pay attention to otehr things and jsut "love " her at only certain times. being clsoe friends..u still see each other alot, u talk, pretty much what clsoe friends do, cept this time ya got yer space man. i dont know..i could be wrong..leave it to yer gut and you'll make the right choice...hope this helps, good luck and i hope the best for you two

[activelife81]

well what "issue" broke you two up 2 months ago? from what you have said, it seems that since the time you broke up, the desire to be with her decreased alot. so you've gotta ask yourself...did you REALLY settle that issue between you or not? does it still concern you, and is it getting in the way of your feelings for her now? have you been lying to yourself and to her about your feelings for the sake of staying together? i've done it before myself...not "on purpose" but because i thought i was doing the right thing by staying with someone because THEY LOVED ME, instead of because I LOVED THEM...get it? think about it.

[8minuteslate]

I can't help you sort out your feelings for her, but I can tell you what NOT to do.

 

Three weeks ago, I was in your exact same position. I had been with this girl for two months, and for the last two weeks, I had been feeling just how you feel. I wasn't sure if she was THE ONE, and it bothered me that she was obviously falling for me, but I was merely enjoying her companionship and closeness.

 

I broke it off that night, and she was of course upset and hurt. I told her it was for the best since I couldn't match the intensity of her feelings for me.

 

Here's the big mistake. I felt so guilty for doing that to her that the very next day, I convinced myself that I could give it another shot. She took me back.

 

Here's the ultimate mistake. A couple days after that, I see-sawed back to feeling unsure again. And broke up. Again. She was completely devastated. Even worse than from the first break, which happened only a couple days before.

 

Put yourself in her shoes warrior. All you're feeling is confused, but your heart is not at stake here. What I did to someone I considered a close friend was unforgivable, because she had to endure blow after blow to her heart, all because I didn't know what I wanted.

 

I am regretting my actions so badly now, but I am trying very hard to see that I should not guilt myself into trying "one more time", because that will be utterly destructive to her. She is the one who will hurt, not you.

 

Just wanted to share. Hope you make the right choices.

[warrior]

After reading some replies, I realized that there is no way do I want to beak up with this girl right now. I really want to be with her so much, and it's definitely not about the sex.

 

I also realized that we have some differences that we need to work out. For example, I am the kind of person who really asks for a lot of closness, to the point where I start to suffocate myself because there is no way out of it. She, on the other hand, likes having her own personal space, but due to our difference in that respect, she would react really badly when I would be too clingy at times she needed space the most. I get the *most* clingly when I feel the most for someone. So whenever I'd feel the most for her, I would get too clingy and she'd react very badly to it, and I would just end up being hurt by it because I had no way of reacting properly to it.

 

When I feel the most for a person, I have the biggest desire to be with them as much as possible. It gets to the point where I have no self-control, and I might just be suffocating myself because then I have no way of getting some space when I actually *do* need it. Things aren't perfect all the time between people, and even the most clingy person like me needs some space, but the way I act makes it impossible for me or her to get that space. What ensues at the peak of such inescapable escalation is that her and I fight.

 

So when talking to her tonight, I really tried tackling those issues and trying to find a way to compromise. It will take time to see if it's possible to actually find an acceptable solution, but I think it's worth the effort for sure. I guess some background issues are kind of holding me back from feeling the same intensity that I have felt before. It's almost crazy how much both us want to be together, but it's just been that whenever I feel the most, I become a little too much for her, and I just get hurt. There is no reason for me to keep getting hurt if I can just be a little more realistic about our primary needs, which are school and career.