Feeling Alone! Can anyone relate or give advice?

[TheRock]

I was hoping someone out there could do me a favor and give me some words of encouragement or advice.

Recently, I have been feeling somewhat isolated and alone in my life. This site helped me in the past so I thought let me reach out again.

I feel alone because work is tough and very political right now; my family has never been really emotionally close so it is hard for me to talk to them; my frienships are changing as I get older and it seems like I have fewer of them and they are not as close. Basically, I feel like I am missing an outlet, and that I have no where to vent some bottled up feelings. I don't have a really close friend to share my feelings with and my family does not know how to deal with real emotion. I am currently single and have recently been rejected a few times which exacerbates my lonely feeling.

Also, to give you a little background, a few years ago I was almost killed in an automobile accident. It changed my life tremendously. After seeing bottom, I recovered and actually becaome a better and stronger person for it. The thing is that I have changed and so have many of my relationships. I'm in my mid-thirties now and it seems like I have started all over again in building my life, but everyone else is far along in thiers as other thirty somethings should be. It all seems differnet now.

I understand things change as life progresses and as I get older, but I feel like the world is a little cold right now. I know my perspective has a lot to do with this because it was only recently that i felt on top of the world. So, can anyone relate or share some thoughts? Thanks!

[skyjuice]

Hi TheRock,

 

It is normal that friends and siblings move apart as they grow up. This is a normal process.

 

If you need friends, you could join some clubs and build some hobbies.

 

Life is full of adventure! Who said 40s is the end, the prime of your life have not beggin yet.

At 20s is time to focusing on becoming a proffesional in your career

At 30s is the prime time of your career where you could excel in the field of work

At 40s is time to enjoy life where you have earn enough money.

 

This is my 2 cents.

[DiscipleOfChange]

Although it would seem strange for a 19 year old to offer advice to a thirty-something, I'll still throw in my two cents...

 

Returning to campus for my second year at college, I have some of the same feelings as you. At the beginning of last year, I felt that I had a good number of friends. Towards the end of the year, I realized that was not as true as I had thought. So, I had to strat fresh this fall; meeting new people. While it is true that everyone else, even many freshman, already have more friends and connections than I do, there is still hope for me. I go out, meeting people, being more outgoing than last year.

 

There is NOTHING fun about solitude and despite the negative things people may say about desiring attention, man is by nature a gregarious animal and as such NEEDS companionship. We are hard-wired for it. The key is not to let yourself get into a tail spin of negative emotions.

 

If you see yourself falling into a rut, go for a run or work out in some fashion. that won't eradicate the feelings from your life, but temporarily, you'll feel better. I've had to learn not to compare myself with others. The truth is that there are people out there who are naturally gifted socially. The rest of us, whether by design or default, do not possess those same skills. As nutty as it sounds, and I'm still working on this one, being happy with yourself is the key. You have to be able to be yourself and at the same time not care if some people don't like you. Remember, you shouldn't try to please people into liking you by being something your not. After all, don't you want the people who end up befriending or falling in love with you to have those feelings for who you really are? I know I do.

 

A definite thing to do, if you don't already is work out on a regular basis. the runner's high alone will make you a happier person. Also, if you look physically better, you will be happier mentally. Despite what people may say about looks not mattering, the sad fact is they do, to an extent. As humans, we may be capable of more compassionate ways of finding someone attracitve, we're still just as shallow as lesser animals when it comes to looks.

 

Everyone goes through a period in their life, or several periods where they feel disaffected. Given your age, you may be having the ever ciche 'mid-life crisis' Talking to a psychiatris or psychologist wouldn't be a bad idea either. Doing so helps...I know.

 

So, that's what I have to say and hopefully haven't burdened you with words. Take care and keep your chin up because confidence, so I'm told, is ESSENTIAL

 

~Mark, Marcos, Marco, Mapk.......a Mark by any other name is still a Mark

[Celadon]

^^ Agree!

 

TheRock, I relate to what you're saying. I'm a bit older than you, and have experienced the same thing with friends. The friends who used to be close have drifted a bit - still friends, but I see them only on occasion. There's no one to turn to and just say, "HEY! What're you doing tonigth? Let's go see a movie."

 

I also relate to the sense of feeling little "behinder" than everyone else. I struggle with it, but here are some things I've been trying to do lately:

 

- Disregard time and the past. Thinking that you aren't as far along as others (in whatever dimensions you think of that concept) just doesn't help. We are where we're at. Period. All anybody has is today, anyway. Might as well get good at living a single day to its fullest.

 

- Think of options, make life fun. Being single, it's easy to focus on things you can't/don't have. I don't have a spouse. I don't have someone affirming me. But instead of feeling trapped by life's circumstances, think of what you CAN do. I'm sure you know, since you were in the auto accident, that when life throws something at you, you learn to adjust. Try to come up with as many options as you can to respond to a situation. If nothing else, it'll bring fresh thoughts to mind.

 

- Set some reasonable goals, and keep going back to them. If your family isn't close (mine isn't either), take steps now to get to know one person better. Invite them to go to a ballgame, or just call him or her up for a quick chat. Start investing time with that person. Our families won't be around forever, and if we want to get closer, someone has to make a little effort.

 

Hope some of this helps. You're not alone!

[TheRock]

Hey Thanks

This is certainly a time in my life when I am feeling disaffected, and your words of advice are greatly appreciated. We are definitely hard-wired for personal connections and that is an area that am trying to improve in my life. It just seems hard lately. I feel I have given a lot in several areas of my life and the results don't seem to be there. I don't think I will fall into a spiral of negative emotions, but I feel very stagnant right now and it is causing me to re-assess (how do you spell that?) my life goals and directions. What I have realized is that I have not defined them too well. I am wondering what to do next. I definitely want to meet someone, fall in love, get married, and have kids. But part of me wants to sell everything and move off to Hawaii or Africa and start living a more adventurous life. These are really rhetorical questions, but comments are appreciated. What do I do in my career? Do I really want the house with the white picket fence? Why am I so confused over so many different areas of my life?

There are a lot of good things in my life, but the holes are the most visible right now.

And I fully appreciate the benefits of working out? In fact, it is definitely a source of comfort for me. After my accident, I extended my physical therapy into working out and have since completed a few triathlons and a marathon too. I am probably in better shape now than when I was in high-school. And I will probably take a long-run today to work things out in my head too.

If you guys don't mind, I would like to use this forum to let out some feelings so forgive me if the subject matter gets heavy or serious.

Thanks

[TheRock]

K8tie,

The friends thing is one of the hardest adjustments I am trying to make right now. I used to have two large groups of friends. The ones from college and the ones from home. One of the adjustments is that all my college friendships are over. You see, one of my best friends from college caused my car-accident (he was driving) and it was too emotionally difficult to remain friends and I did not want to put my other friends in a difficult choice so I decided it would be better to end all of these relationships. I didn't even want two or three degrees of separation. It was also something I needed to do for my emotional health too. The accident was very serious!

After I was healthy enough, I returned to my home town and the friends there too. In the years during my recovery, I changed and so have many of my friends. As a result, I have become better friends with some people that were not really that close in the past and some very close relationships have drifted apart. In fact, I am no longer friends with someone who was my best friend since we were 4 years old. You see, something as serious as a near-death experience changes your outlook on life and what you consider to be important. You then realize you don't have as much in common with some people anymore, especially when you wee both big partiers.

And given my age, there are definitely some life changes with friends getting married and having kids and changing priorities. I know this is reality and life, but that is where the feeling of being behind comes in. That, and the wake-up call of the accident which caused me to realize how I was not really living life before.

[Celadon]

I think I see what you're saying. You used to hang out with a different crowd, but you're different from them now after your accident. So it feels like starting all over again? I agree, that can be a lonely place. It's definitely a hard situation to be in.

 

I havne't experienced that exactly - not so dramatic a change - but here's a thought: rather than focusing on the difficulties, maybe it would help to focus on the possibilities. What have you wanted to explore in life that you didn't before, because you or your friends didn't think it was cool? If you were a big partier before, what important things were you ignoring or not doing?

 

The world's wide open to you, in a sense. When we have friends, they sorta define our lives. In some way, you have the freedom to do anything now - take that adventurous side of you and go for it! I can assure you that there will be other people out there doing the same thing. Sure, they'll be different from your old friends, but YOU're different from your old friends.

 

If all else fails, I sometimes get myself to feel less lonely by realizing things can definitely be worse. Think of the people who are addicted to drugs for most of their lives, then they finally get a grip when they're sixty and realize with great regret that their lives haven't amounted to much. Or consider the people in Africa who are living in total poverty.

 

Well ... hang in there.

[TheRock]

I'm hanging in there and I actually have pursued some interests and dreams over the past few years since my accident. I have taken some art classes and learned how to draw and paint better. I've also become fairly good at these triathlons and marathons and other events. By the way, I did do that long run today. It's just that I have hit some sort of a wall. I feel like I am different than everyone around me and I feel like I don't quite fit in. I've followed a lot of the advice that is posted on this site and it certainly helps. But often I hit the wall and get bored and unmotivated. I kind of always wanting some sort of euphoria. If its not there, I get pulled down. I don't feel completely bummed. It's the feeling that something is not quite right and I can't figure it out. I wonder where my career is going, why I have not been able to develop a healthy romantic relationship, and then I start doubting myself and thinking do other people think I am messed up a little.

What do you think causes this?

[TheRock]

I'm hanging in there and I actually have pursued some interests and dreams over the past few years since my accident. I have taken some art classes and learned how to draw and paint better. I've also become fairly good at these triathlons and marathons and other events. By the way, I did do that long run today. It's just that I have hit some sort of a wall. I feel like I am different than everyone around me and I feel like I don't quite fit in. I've followed a lot of the advice that is posted on this site and it certainly helps. But often I hit the wall and get bored and unmotivated. I kind of always wanting some sort of euphoria. If its not there, I get pulled down. I don't feel completely bummed. It's the feeling that something is not quite right and I can't figure it out. I wonder where my career is going, why I have not been able to develop a healthy romantic relationship, and then I start doubting myself and thinking do other people think I am messed up a little.

What do you think causes this?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You could take accomplishing the marathon is an accomplishment.

 

It take time to figure what you really want in life. Try different things and explore yourself.

 

Read some books about relationship. It will help about how to engage in a heathy relationship.

[Celadon]

Hi

 

You could take accomplishing the marathon is an accomplishment.

 

It take time to figure what you really want in life. Try different things and explore yourself.

 

Read some books about relationship. It will help about how to engage in a heathy relationship.

 

^^Agree!

 

About euphoria, I wonder if there's such a thing as euphoria addiction? Sort of like being hooked on instant gratification. If that's where most of one's satisfaction comes from, then life can indeed feel odd when those moments don't happen with as much frequency as before.

 

For whatever reason, satisfaction in life seems to be rooted in different things as people age. Physical strength and feats offer an emotional high when we're young, but they may lose some appeal after a time. People start needing a more well-rounded life, or indeed, a life that is focused more in loving other people than achieving individual milestones.

 

Just some thoughts!

[TheRock]

Well, I think there is and I think I have it. Part of it is some sort of need for being at some sort of emotional high. One of the most tangible feelings of this is meeting a woman. It is a great high! And it is also a great frustration in my life. I also have gotten the feeling from a number of other accomplishments in my life-athletic events, excercise, landing a new job, learning a new skill, etc. The thing is sometimes I run out of goals and/or I am not achieving them as quickly as I would like. If enough time passes without this feeling, I fall into a little funk. I usually catch myself and try to pull out, but the highs and lows are to varying degrees.

[vulk1500]

Loneliness seems to be an ongoing problem with me as well. I am a married man and have an 18 year old daughter, I have a lot going for me, like a good job and a nice place to live here in SW Colorado. I have good proximity to skiing and other outdoor recreation and while I take the time to do some nice things, it seems like I always do them alone, for the most part. Most of the time this is OK because I've always been a loner, but I miss having good friends like I used to (or thought I used to) that help enhance the good times and provide support during the bad. People like I knew in college or high school, the ones that seem to have changed and/or drifted away. See, It's not just ANY company that I wish I had, but quality like-minded people, people I wish I had something in common with. I've been a supervisor for the last 18 years and sometimes I think this has prevented me from trying to be closer to people at work. So I feel isolated a good percentage of the time, and I think sometimes that my greatest fear is being alone. I've been married for 26 years and although my wife and I are still close, she's just not interested in going skiing or kayaking, or riding with me on my motorcycle. My daughter is growing up and, like most kids, is less interested in being with her old Dad than she was when she was smaller. I love both these people but they can't completely fill the void, and really, I don't expect them to. I have a friend who lost his wife in a car accident about 3 years ago, and he says that I've helped him a lot just by being his friend. But I've noticed that as his life is getting better, I hear from him less and less. My younger brother lives in Denver and has problems of his own, and it seems to me that because of his own problems, he's alienated me and my family over the past 4 years or so, probably because he somehow resents the fact that I am basically not unhappy and still have some quality things going for me that he, sadly, must not. It hurts me that he doesn't want to be friends, I guess. Reading these postings helps remind me that we as people are more the same than different, and I would like to hear from you all on this business of lonliness and how you all cope. And I would like to help, if I can. I've found that exercise and physical activity helps to difuse some of the negativity that I sometimes feel. To be honest with you all, I drink, but never to excess, and I realize that's only a way to help relax and not a band-aid solution for problems. I didn't always understand that, you see. I also like reading books. There are many great authors out there to enjoy. I guess this loneliness thing is the main problem in my life these days. I try to reach out to some people but sometimes they just don't reach back, maybe for good reasons of their own. And some try to reach me, but frankly, many are just not really people I'm interested in being aquainted with. Basically, I'm a private sort of person and I would much rather stay home with a good book rather than go to a party. I seems that I'm made up of contradictions, but I think that most of us are. Anyway I was hoping that reading your postings might help me to feel a little less.......lonely!

Peace!

[vulk1500]

Boy O Boy. I just notest that the newest posting in this column are 3 years old.....that REALLY makes me feel lonely.....

[vulk1500]

"You are not alone...." HAH. Look at this website, the most recent posting beyond my own is 3 years ago! Story of my life....trying to communicate with ghosts..kinda behind the times. I have to laugh at how much this scenario parallels my life. Nobody to talk to here. So I guess you come into the world alone and when they put you in the ground, it's all by yourself. Understand that I'm not indulging in self-pity, it's just that this is so typical of why I feel the way I do. Guess I'll go out and kill myself afterall.....

[ryanslf]

"You are not alone...." HAH. Look at this website, the most recent posting beyond my own is 3 years ago! Story of my life....trying to communicate with ghosts..kinda behind the times. I have to laugh at how much this scenario parallels my life. Nobody to talk to here. So I guess you come into the world alone and when they put you in the ground, it's all by yourself. Understand that I'm not indulging in self-pity, it's just that this is so typical of why I feel the way I do. Guess I'll go out and kill myself afterall.....

Hi vulk1500, yo're of course not alone