Don't mind me, just posting to clear my head

[Demond34]

End of day 2 of NC. Yesterday was good, but towards the end of the nite, her face started to appear in my head.

 

Today, was just a slow and unmotivating day. Its like my mind didnt work at all. I went to blockbuster tonite to rent a movie and after 30 mins i walked out with nothing. LOL ... Just one of those days.

 

Last time we talked, she had called me on her way home from work, convo was light and then we got off with her saying I'll talk to you later. Well I made up my mind that I wasn't going to call her anymore.

 

I love her and I'm willing to let her go and move away. I dont want to get in the way of the possibilty she could be happier in a new place. Shes been down for awhile now. I want her to make that decision w/o me in the picture. But, I also had to get off her emotional rollercoaster, with her being hot and cold towards me.

 

So, now I'll just get on my own emotional rollercoaster and see what kind of ride it is. Thanks for letting me vent. I'll prolly post something little everyday, until things appear a little brighter.

[sidehop]

Someone posted about this book on another thread:

 

"He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the fears that sabotage your relationships" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol.

 

I was thinking to check this out at the book store...

[Demond34]

Well that lasted long, LOL i'm weak. She just called, and of course I answered. I was actually carefree on the phone, surprised myself, don't know why she called, I didn't ask and really didn't care.

 

I really believe its just for her to make this easy on herself, but maybe thats just me in my selfish reasoning. Anyway, after 6 mins, I said I'll let ya go and that I'll talk to you later.

 

I Don't know when later is b/c I don't plan on calling her. I am doing nothing!!

[L8RISER]

When you're in a relationship that can't or won't work you feel sort of powerless. But really you're not. Doing nothing is really doing something. All the physco-bable about owning your emotions is actually true. And there are so many things you can do to feel better. They're hard to do at first, but the more you do them, the more power you realize you have, and the easier everything becomes.

 

You gotta get over the addiction to the love you once had. And the only way to do that is remove all signs of that past love from your life. An aloholic doesn't fight his addiction by having just a sip of booze intsead of the whole bottle. You gotta cut the ex out of you life. At least until you are really at a point where you can handle it. And you have to get all those items that remind you of her out of your life as well. If you can avoid places you use to go to together and things you use to do together, avoid them. An acoholic won't recover by hanging out at a bar, or keeping vodka bottles on the fireplace mantle.

 

Continuing contact will only lead to disappointment (if it truly is over; and you have to be realistic.) The more disappointment you experience, the hard you will try to reaccquire that reward of love you once had. And those failed efforts in turn produce even great disappointment. Its a vicious cycle that takes you downward.

 

When you're not feeling too emotoinal to think straight, creat some thougths that have nothing to do with the past. I think about the things I have to do it the future, things I want to do, the excitment of meeting someone new (first kiss, first date, that sort of thing), or even sometimes I think about who I have to be right now, and the things I have to do to feel better...any thought as long as it doesn't invovle "old times." As soon as you start seeing her face, you say "yeah, nice memory, but...", and then think of your pre-created thought. Force yourself too. It really works, for me any way. I was dumped, love my ex, and still have to live with him for a month. Two and half weeks into the breakup, I am managing OK, better than I thought I would.

 

If you can get away from the past, you might even realize you were not as "in love" as you thought. The day before a breakup, there are all sorts of things that bother and fustrate us about or ex's, but then the moment after a break, suddenly they're perfect, they were the greatest. Push away the past memories, and in time you might feel differently about them. I know it's hard. Even though I'm saying these things, I know I'm at least six months from being able to think about those memories without freaking out and running to a phone. But force yourself for now. Decide to be happy. You have control.

[Demond34]

Thanks for the words

 

I'm definitely alot better than I was 3 months ago, when it initially happened. After a few weeks of NC, she wiggled her way back into my life, but she was up and down and all over the map with her words and actions the last 2 months.

 

Enough was enough for me. I didnt say i wasn't going to call her, I didn't say i didnt want to talk to her. I just stopped. Maybe thats why she has called. I think after last nite's phone call from her, that she won't be calling anytime soon. All it does is stir up my emotions. 5 years is tough to walk away from.

[Demond34]

Well, she called again. This time it was to tell me she thought the O.C. was on tonite and why it wasn't on. I told her it was on the 8th so she obviously didnt listen to me before. The O.C. was a show we would watch together all the time.

 

But she made it a point to get off the phone before I could.

 

Oh well, I miss her, but I've been thinking of the things she has said and done the last 3 months that have made me mad. It makes me miss her less thats for sure.

 

College football has just started, so its a great day in my book!

[Demond34]

It feels like I'm on a see-saw. The more I try and push forward and on, the more thoughts that pop in my head, its like as soon as I'm not busy doing something, the floodgates open up.

 

I'm at the base of the moutain looking up. One foot in front of the other and I'll get there.

[Demond34]

Day 3 of NC. Talked a total of 10 mins with her the last week and a half.

 

Weekend was good but went by to fast.

 

Today, i was at a cookout at my bro's friends house. Anyway, I was asked where my girl was in front of everyone. It was uncomfortable to say we weren't together anymore. Then the million and one questions followed.

 

But to my surprise, his friends are already trying to play matchmaker. A very, very pretty girl, that I see usually on a regular basis( but nothing more than hi is ever said)..... She was there today but I didnt talk to her, but it has been confirmed (as my bro's friend puts it) that she would be interested in possibly getting to know me a little better. I laughed it off, when he told me this, cuz I really didnt believe him, but he said he was serious.

 

He said he didnt want to blow my head up, but he said I had a few admirers(sp?). He said you know what that is, thats plural. He was a little tipsy but it was still funny and still good to hear. The self-esteem takes an extreme hit when you breakup and I was a definite victim of that. It definitely gave my confidence a boost, but I told him I'll take a rain check on it as I need to work on myself and get over the X.

[Demond34]

Day 4 is over.... For some reason I had a few moments of anxiety today and I don't know why... Maybe b/c its the holiday and I was with my family, without her. Maybe b/c I'm longing for the past. Either way I'm gonna get thru this.

[Demond34]

So far she has called twice this morning, which I did not answer. She left a voice mail on the 2nd one, telling me to call her back, that she has stuff she needs to get back to me. She sounded like she had ice water running thru her veins.

 

The whole weekend went by, she could of called then. Anyway, just hearing her voice made me get that jittery feeling, now its got me thinking. I don't think I even want to see her or hear or anymore.

[Demond34]

She called my work phone, and got me. There was no way I could of avoided it. It was about a 20 min convo... I don't even feel like talking about it, its just a head scratcher.... Back to square one....

[Demond34]

We ended up talking last nite, and i just asked her to make 5 mins for me today so we can exchange things and move on from each other. So I guess this is it the last I will see of her.

 

Yesterday, on the phone it sounded like she was back peddaling from alot of the comments she has made over the last few months but still trying to blame me for alot. Either way, I told her I was done with the games and that she should not call me at all b/c I will not settle for a friendship or settle for being her b/f until she decides to move.

 

I have no idea what I'm gonna say to her tonite, i have so much to say, but I'll probably end up saying nothing at all.

[Demond34]

Well last nite, she came over to exchange the things we had of each others from the beach. The thing is she didnt seem too anxious to leave. She asked me why I dressed up, I said b/c I want to leave a lasting impression and her reply was "stop, don't talk like that". I mentioned to her i was going to blockbuster, so she offered to take me and i accepted. When we were there, she placed her face on my shoulder, like she did so many times in the past. I shrugged it off and just went about my business looking for a movie.

 

Now me, I'm thinking this is the last time I'm going to see her and start doing NC. SO when we get back to my place, we just sat in her car in silence for a little bit and i said, i don't want to get out. She said don't and that we can stay here all nite, then made a move to grab my neck and pull me over for a hug. I didn't budge and told her I can't do this anymore. The games that are being played. I've reached out to her the last 3 months for her and she kept holding out her arms and pulling them back. It was just a viscious cycle, that put me thru hell.

 

She is definitely not over me as I could see the tears in her eyes. The way she was silent and obviously hurt. I don't know what the hell is going on. I told her that I thought this is what she wanted, her space, her freedom. I'm willing to give it to her and let her go even though it hurts so bad. But its like everytime I do, she acts like its not what she wants. I left the offer on the table for her to call me to come over tonite, to watch our favorite tv show and then the movie I got.

 

If she doesn't call or doesn't come over, I will be going straight to NC. As I am not playing anymore games and NC will not be used for her to miss me but for me to get over her and the crap that has come with it as of late.

[Demond34]

Well, I can say things have definitely changed. My g/f has made a 180 from the way she was acting. No more ups and downs, no more distancing. Actually its the opposite. She calls 4 times to my 1. Wanting to hang out and see me almost everyday. Its definitely a different scenario then where i was 2 months ago. She wants to be together and has shown me as of late.

 

This forum helped me get thru all this. I thank all that have helped. The sad thruth is that the couple of stretches of NC I had and when I made it clear that I was done with the games she was playing and was willing to walk away were the only times she let her guard down and came back.

 

Our relationship has been good for the last 2 weeks but theres alot that needs to be worked on and it will, but i'm taking it slow for now and still standing back but enjoying the moments.