PB & Co-worker "Ex" Update

[PB]

It's been 6 months now since my coworker and I broke up after a 4 year secret office romance. I wish I could say that I'm over it--but, I'm not.

 

A month ago I requested a new office so I would not have to sit alone in an office with her day after day. That hasn't come through yet, so here I still sit experiencing about 4000 changes in emotions per week.

 

Just when I think I'm making progress (maybe it's all progress I just don't always recognize it as such), I'll relapse into either:

 

1) Trying to be flirty with her which invariably leads to idealizing the relationship we had and reliving the loss I experienced.

 

Or

 

2) Rehashing some old issue that invariably leads down the anger and resentment track.

 

Last week was a lot of #1 and this morning was #2. I think sometimes when I start feeling too good about her, I subconsciously have to do, think, or say something that stirs up my anger.

 

Then I usually go through a lot of self recrimination for being so d*mn wishy-washy about the whole thing: Love her/Hate her/Want to be friends/Do not want to be friends/Miss being around her/Wish I could avoid her/ etc...

 

Someone here recently referenced a book and website by Susan Anderson, "Journey from Abandonment to Healing", and I took a look at her book yesterday.

 

I like the SWIRL (Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, Lifting) analogy that she uses for the stages that you go through. As she says,

 

"You "SWIRL" through all the stages over and over until you emerge out the end of the tunnel a changed person capable of greater life and love than before. "

 

That certainly fits my story and gives me some hope to be able to look at it that way. In the end, I reallly do think I'm going to have to face some very deep issues about myself that perhaps I have been in denial about.

 

I think when it comes right down to it, I really do not like change. Sooner or later I've got to address the fact that my fear of change is a big, big problem.

[Mun]

I don't know why you broke up but I think it's great that you are looking within to solve issues you might have. Alot of the things you said make sense to me.

 

I wish you lots of luck.

[PB]

I don't know why you broke up but I think it's great that you are looking within to solve issues you might have. Alot of the things you said make sense to me.

 

I wish you lots of luck.

 

Thanks for the response muneca.

 

I broke up with her because I sensed that she was engaging in an emotional affair with another guy, and I was afraid it was going to lead to more. She insisted he was just a friend, but started dating him within 9 days of my breaking up with her.

 

So even though I was the "dumper" and she was the "dumpee", she's had the new guy around to boost her ego for the last 6 months, and I've been going through the process of trying to understand why I got so attached to her even though I had really gotten very ambivalent about the whole relationship myself.

 

I knew intellectually that our relationship was in the doldrums, and I didn't think I would miss it if I lost it. So, obviously there is something about my personality that adamantly resists change even in the face of rational and convincing arguments that it is necessary to move on.

[Cecelius]

I also recall that in the early going, she wouldn't leave you alone, right? She wanted to know that she still mattered. It's pretty hard to move on from someone when they are still looking at you every day.

[PB]

I also recall that in the early going, she wouldn't leave you alone, right? She wanted to know that she still mattered. It's pretty hard to move on from someone when they are still looking at you every day.

 

I would say that this has been true the entire time, not just "in the early going". After a discussion we had a little over a week ago, she gave me a big hug and told me that she loved me.

 

Earlier that same day she told me that she loved me but that she wasn't sexually attracted to me.

 

I asked her why she felt that she had to add that last little bit of information and after some hem-hawing, she finally admitted that yes she was sexually attracted to me and that she thought about me often "in that way", but that she was afraid to say it because she thought I might think she wanted to us to get back together.

 

I said well, you didn't have to say anything--just don't feed me bs.

[Liquidius]

You're doing really well - keep it up. One thing that might help is to stay off of the topic of relationships with her...

[gardens]

PB:

Not an easy situaition...I know. Recently broke up from an also secret office romance (about a year). Luckily, we don't share an office, and really only see each other a couple of times of week. I made the decision to be upbeat and positive, and to stay in touch, although I stopped initiating any contact in July. We continue to have lunch maybe once a week. But I've got to say...it's tough sometimes. He is moving to a different location next week--a promotion that was in the works before we broke up--and to be honest, I think I will be terribly relieved to not have to see him. (You can read my story under Ex-Girlfriend/Boyfriend Relationships,"Hanging in there" ).

 

My advice: You have got to find a way to move out of the office with her. It's for your sanity. Is there any way you can push the powers that be to get you the office? Honestly...I just got back from a two-week vacation that was just what the doctor ordered. Getting way from the whole situation has given me a lot of peace and distance. Do I miss him? Of course. But I'm now clear that I really want to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with me. Part of the healing process is realizing you have a life without your ex--can't imagine how to do that if you're with that person 40 hours/week. Hang in there my friend!

[PB]

You're doing really well - keep it up. One thing that might help is to stay off of the topic of relationships with her...

 

Thanks for the support, Liquidius.

[PB]

gardens wrote:

 

My advice: You have got to find a way to move out of the office with her. It's for your sanity. Is there any way you can push the powers that be to get you the office?

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me, gardens. I do hope that something can get worked out so that I can move.

 

I've been tempted to tell our boss some of the story, but it's a little tricky.

 

We've all worked together for many, many years and my boss (female) and my ex are close buddies. So, it would be very awkward for me to tell our boss "why" it's important for me to move. She doesn't know the extent of our relationship at all.

 

But I'm now clear that I really want to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with me.

 

That is so true and something I think about often.

 

I know she still has strong feelings for me. But the fact is, when given the opportunity to come back to me and work through our issues, or to continue to pursue her new relationship, she chose the new relationship. I know from talking to her that she struggles with the decision she made and wonders sometimes if she made the correct choice.

 

I want a partner who prefers me...and by a fair margin of error too.

[gardens]

Hey PB--thanks for the pm...glad to be helpful.

 

Sounds like the office situation is quite "cozy." How about just asking your boss in a casual way "...just wondering how we're coming on the new office?" with no justification? Can you say that you can be more productive w/o other distractions, etc?? Definitely recommend you NOT share your relationship w/anyone else in the office--could backfire on you. To be honest, I think one of the stresses in my relationship w/the ex was the constant worry of someone finding out. As I mentioned previously, he is moving to an entirely new office at a different location next week, and probably won't see each other at all. I promise once you don't have to have the constant contact w/her at work, you will feel calmer and less distracted. Keep me posted!