Advice PLEASE...I feel so dirty-like....Anyone...Any advice?

[JasminesMommy]

WEIRD but SERIOUS question. The situation is this: I think my best friend in the world wants more from me. Me and my best friend have been so for over 10 years now. But we got really close this past 2 years because we had each had some VERY hard times. We encouraged each other, lifted each other up, laughed, went out to parties, hung out and just watched TV and everything. But a little over a year ago, she sort of mentioned trying a threesome but just laughed it off.

 

But one night when we, and a good guy friend of mine got drunk, we had a threesome, then when it was over, she took me! I know this sounds silly, but she did...and we were both still slightly drunk. Then another night when we were drunk, it was just me and her and she initiated it. Since then, it has happened maybe 2 other times.

 

The thing that worries me however is that this past weekend, when we were out and only SLIGHTLY intoxicated, she said "Since I'm drunk, I may as well say this: You bleep bleep bleep (*in other words "do oral sex really good")." Then she said that we should please each other when we got back to the hotel.

 

So after we both showered and were in the bed, for some odd reason, I got so turned on to the point that I initiated it. This time we were FULLY sober. And after it happened, I thought OH GOD I JUST INITIATED SEX WITH MY BEST FRIEND.....MY SIS. And even now, 5 days later, I keep thinking that in my head. And I can't explain it, it feels incestuous and dirty. Please help me. Someone??

 

I don't want to do that ever again. I don't want to get turned on by my best friend who could easily be more like a sister to me. I don't want her saying I [do oral sex really good].

 

Should I end the friendship?

[darkblue]

If you're willing to end the friendship - was it really a best friend? or 'like a sister'?

 

I doubt it.

 

Can you honestly say you aren't attracted to her? no? then why did you initiate that time?

 

Obviously the friendship will never be the same, but is that what you want?

 

She was probably using, being drunk, for a reason to take things to the next level.

 

While entoxicated - we can do some pretty stupid stuff - but not on this scale - feelings must be there too, and the fact that you have done it so many times - backs that up even further.

[t-rav]

i totally agree with what he said. listen to him he has got some good advice.

 

-travis

[JasminesMommy]

Well, I am definitely sure that I do not have feelings for her. But her on the other hand, I'm not sure. I do know that she has a very intense personality to begin with and this carries over into the frienship, cause over the past couple of months it seems she's always finding some reason to get an attitude or to argue. And I'm just thinking to myself, "Why the heck am I arguing with a FRIEND? This is not some boyfriend that I have to constantly explain myself to!!!"

 

And, you're right, I couldn't just end our friendship. I love that gurl, just like all the rest of my close close friends. But things are just getting very intense and slightly out of hand. And it seems I don't know how to get it back under control.

[darkblue]

If you are serious about not having feelings for her.

 

1. Why [even once, while sober] did you initate oral? because you were horny? not really an excuse. I wouldn't jump into bed with one of my friends because I was 'horny'.

 

2. She's your 'best friend' - if she really is - talk to her. Tell her how you feel and how you Don't Have Those Feelings and You want a Friendship; not a relationship. You see her as a 'sister' etc.

[Dau]

Yeah, if she's your best friend and you're doing this stuff but all of a sudden not liking it, let her know! Don't just stop and pretend nothing happened, talk it out like any good relationship with anyone in any circumstance should do. Things can be resolved if you work things out, you just have to talk.

[Tigris]

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious talk about what you both want from the relationship. Only this way can you work out your future together.

 

Good luck.

[ExodusTheGod]

You need to analyze the situation. For instance, if you didn't have feelings for her, you wouldn't have done what you did. A good way to find out if you have feelings or not is to think about her constantly and honestly, and about doing it again. Then use your conciounce to decide whether you do or not. Remember, if you do you will find out a little later because the first symptom is always denial about what you don't want.

[WildChild]

OK, I'm bettin the farm your friend does have feelings for you. Let's take the fact that you two are best friends outta the equation here for a minute. If this was another person you keep hooking up with drunk or sober, whether it's someone you don't really know or on a casual basis, whaddya think the outcome would be? Somebody more than likely is going to start developing feelings for the other person. You two have slept together several times (drunk or sober). When you are drinking tends to be when you do hook up (you are less inhibited) and now you initiated sex the last time, only this time sober. No matter who they are, the odds of someone in the equation developing feelings are pretty high when an ongoing sexual relationship is ensuing, no matter what the situation is or "agreement" ie 'buddies with benefits'. That is where I think her attitude with you lately is coming from....she may be trying to keep her feelings in check, but is frustrated because she really can't keep her feelings in check. If I'm right about her having feelings for you, I think because you initiated it this time and sober may have her believing you too have feelings especially because you two already care about one another as best friends. Unless you really dislike someone you have had sex with, sex does put a bond between two people, friends or not. Your feelings for feeling dirty may be stemmed from the fact that everyother time you were drinking, but this time you two did it sober...maybe something you never thought you would do, and the alcohol could have been your excuse before? Best bet is to seriously talk with her about all of this. It may be hard and/or an embarrassing moment, but until you do I believe her attitude is only going to get worse and your friendship may end up being dissolved because of that. Hopefully you will have a better idea as to whether your friendship will be able to continue depending on what her reaction and thoughts are.

[t-rav]

wildchild made a really good point, if you dont talk it over, itll only get you in deeper. since you dont sound too interested in that, you might wanna talk to her, a serious talk. you dont need to be in something that you dont want to be a part of. just ask yourself, "will i ever regret this?"

 

good luck, -travis

 

death is not the end, but merely an eyeglass to see what the future has in store for you.

[Cadence308]

It sounds like your best friend has feelings for you and is trying to keep them in check, which is really hard to do since you two now have a sexual relationship. She may think that you two are just taking things to the next level with the sex. She probably wants a committed relationship with you. I'm sure that's why she wants you to justify everything to her and likely the reason for the arguments.

 

It sounds like you do care for her as a person, although you should be questioning your own motives for engaging in a sexual relationship with her both drunk and sober. You just need to have a heart to heart talk with your friend and tell her that you think that things between the both of you are getting out of hand and that she means the world to you, as a best friend, but that you have a sexual preference for men and do not want things to get more intense with her. And that you felt that you needed to talk about things with her because you value her friendship and do not want to lose her as a friend, but that's all that you see yourself being to her.

 

GL and keep us posted!

[JasminesMommy]

Wow, thanks so much folks.

 

Well the thing is this: I definitely do have a preference for men. But so does she. She is sort of dating this guy right now. And we often talk of what it will be like when we're married with kids and the whole shabang. She's hoping to meet her future husband, so while I doubt that she wants anything in the form of a romantic relationship with me, I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks of me as a best friend with benefits.

 

And, honestly, that's what it had been for the past year (not frequently, like I already described). However, I do NOT want to have any kind of benefits with her anymore (unspoken or not). But there is more at stake.

 

My friend is an emotional person...and so am I. We deal with our emotions drastically different, however. I shut down and keep to myself when I am afraid, upset, frustrated, confused, etc. So lately (meaning since earlier this year), she jumps on my case for little or no reason at all.

 

The latest is when she showed up at my home and I was surprised to see her but I wasn't at all upset or pissed (why would I be??). So when I said, "Hey" She replied by saying "Why didn't you call me back?????", with a very pissed off tone. And I'm like "What are you talking about?" ANd she told me that she called me earlier and left a message on my cell because she wanted to bring back something she'd borrowed. I never received a call OR a voicemail, but she didnt believe me. She just handed my stuff over and walked away.

 

Anyway, since then she has left me these crazy messages and texts on my phone. But I haven't answered her because honestly you guys, she stresses me OUT. I am only 24, I shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I don't like to argue....she does. I'm not confrontational....she is. I don't like repetitive events....she does. Because this what I'm describing is NOT a first. This has been happening at least once per week or once every other week.

 

How can I talk to her about the issue at hand, and also about how the constant bickering tires me out? How do I do this without ending up once again going back and forth with her?

[Cadence308]

Honestly, your situation is SO complicated because you two have already had a sexual relationship. That complicates any relationship.

 

You just need to try to have a talk with her and remain calm. Tell her that her emotional outbursts stress you out and that you would like to remain friends with her, but cannot handle the bickering all of the time because it's upsetting you. If she can't have an adult conversation with you without freaking out then you may have to decide that her friendship isn't worth it to you any longer and do no contact either permanently or temporarily (to let things fizzle out between you).

 

I don't know what other kind of advice to offer since you two have already crossed the line between friend and lover. It is really hard to go back to being just friends. You can't change the past. That is why it is hard for former lovers who break up to just be friends.

 

Another analogy is that professionals who work together become friends and things get complicated and one of the people decide that they just want to work with this person and not be personal. They can't do it because they will over-analyze everything that other person does as being personal because too many lines have been crossed. The relationship is ruined.

[Tigris]

You can't keep going on like this. You're going to have to talk to her to sort it out, otherwise you're going to make yourself ill.

 

I hope everything works out ok.

 

Good luck and take care.

[JasminesMommy]

Okay, well thanks guys. And, yes you're right Bally's. I thought that situations like this were only true with male-female relationships/friendships. Where once you cross the line of friendship, things get complicated. I had NO idea it could happen with just a female pal of mine. This is so difficult.

 

And, I know I'm not completely innocent here. I have made the decision to temporarily not talk with her because of the intensity of her accusations and confrontations. It's so draining and she has been calling me all day and texting me all day literally and I have avoided her except for one reply text message. I'm going to just let things fizzle so that I can clear my head and so that she can calm herself down.

 

Hopefully, in a couple of days, I can keep you guys posted.

[t-rav]

its not good to bottle up your feelings like that. i may be from texas but im no dr. fil. i really think you need to share your feelings whenever you feel that you arent sure of something. i cant give you much advice on a female/female relationship (because im a guy), but i can assure you that we were physically designed for guy/girl relationships. something goes wrong any other way.

 

-travis

 

life is full of choices, some that seem signifigant are pointless, while the trivial ones can be the most consequencial

[Tigris]

Ignoring her texts is not going to make the problem go away. If she's the type to 'fly off the handle' at the slightest thing that upsets her then you're in for a very rough ride by ignoring her right now.

 

Talk to her as soon as possible.