Making a mistake - have you ever realised?

[LadyV]

Hi, it's my first time posting here & i've a few questions to ask. If you've ever ended a relationship & realised you'd made a mistake:

 

How long did it take you to realise?

 

What made you change your mind/realise?

 

How did you go about sorting things?

 

I ended a 4year relationship, it took me a year & a half to realise that i had to do something about it & when i knew i had to, i asked to see him, gave him a letter which explained everything & although he didn't come back at first, he did after 2months of regular but not crazy/daily contact.

[DN]

Glad to hear it turned out well. Did you solve the problems that caused the break-up in the first place?

[ron13]

similar situation to mine. i ended a year+ relationship, then realized about 4 months later (after she stopped trying to get me back, of course) that i had made a mistake, and now have been trying for about 4 months to get her back with regular, not crazy contact.

 

i realized how much i truly loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, after misprioritizing things in my life when i broke up with her. i needed to work on communicating better with her, which i have done since it's been over. i, like you, wrote her a couple letters explaining everything and apologizing. she's still unsure what she wants, so i am giving her space and distance now and trying to move on - but of course, i still want her back more than anything.

 

good luck to you - although now you may have given me false hope. ah well...

[LadyV]

It didn't turn out well. He came back in March this year, wanting the same as me & at the start things were good but at the end of May, he walked away (he didn't feel how he should/didn't know how he felt about me - he wanted to be on his own - he couldn't forget what'd happened in the past, etc). I was devastated, didn't want to walk away & couldn't understand what'd happened.

 

Since the break-up he's pretty much had a breakdown (stresses/probs with work, his house & where he is in life) & had said that i mustn't take it personally as it was purely situational/timing but that doesn't make it any easier. As much as he's hurt me, i want to be there for him & whilst we haven't seen/spoken to each other for a month now (too difficult), we do keep in contact by text. I don't know if the stresses/probs with work, etc. contributed to him walking away (he says he wants to be on his own so that he doesn't have to think about anyone/anything else), but i'm hoping that he'll come back one day.

 

More thoughts on the original post would be good - thanks

[tman]

Hi Lady V

 

As you may realise a few of us on this board are in the position that your boyfriend was in when you left him. (moi, lol).

 

Firstly I have a mixture of questions....

In the year and a half that it took you to realise you made a mistake and wanted him back, how did your ex behave? Was there anything that he did to push you away or even draw you back in? What realisations did you make? Were they made independently of your boyfriends actions/words?

 

In response to the advice you requested

As a dumpee if I were ever in the position of my ex coming ever considering reconcillitation, my main point of concern would be your sincerity, but there would also be this conflicting pain within me that this person who I loved so much has hurt me in the past and

1) I would now want to hurt/get her back (a natural reaction which I think we all harbour)

2) How do I know this is sincere and it wont happpen again.

 

Expanding on my second point...

if both parties are being sincere and do decide to work things out, then they should do their best to let it happen naturally, as really and truly no one knows what the future holds (just as I dont know whether I may get back with my ex). I would think however the main sticking point would be to be optimistic not pessimistic about the new realtionship, talk about what went wrong, leave the past and grudges in the past and try and move forward afresh and with a commitment for the relationship to succeed.

 

In all this communication is the key.

 

It is a difficult taks, which i believe is harder for the dumpee, but not unsurmountable.

 

Specific to your current situation with him, I believe he is doing what he thinks is right for himself at the moment. His walking away shows that he is taking the relationship seriously and I am not surprised that it happened.

After initially coming back he has walked away, probably after really realising what coming back to you will fully entail. A break up is bloody hard for the dumpee to forget and is one thing that I have envisioned not looking forward to if it were to happen to me (for any successful shot at a new relationship he has to forget the past or at least be able to cope with it, but for himself learn from it, the same goes for you).

Unluckily he has also got the personal problems which wisely he seems to be dealing on his own, hence him telling you to not take it personally and being aloof for the past month. I say give him time and space, which he will respect you for, and then when he is ready he'll turn to dealing with the relationship. Just dont add to the stress and turmoil he is currently going through.

 

He has had to deal with the break up without you, and has probably learnt how to deal with other stresses in his life without you, so instead of not turning to you for support he has moved away. If this happened while he was with someone he was into and felt he could trust and depend on then he would have turned to that person. You have to become that person again, win his trust and being a place of comfort back.

 

My congratulations on working things out and getting to where you are and good luck in achieving the future you want with your boyfriend.