Trying to do right by my husband of 15 years, but, I need..

[headinformontana]

Hello Unseen Friends

Doing this is pretty crazy but that is just how I feel. I hope to find perhaps new friends out there for support and whom I may support as well. I thank you for reading on.

 

I married the first man I dated. I was very confused but believed that we had crossed the physical threshold and it was the right thing to do. I also believed that love is more than emotional.. it is an act of will and commitment. Fiery passion passes and there has to be more. He was a good man, honest, sincere, trustworthy, loyal. Not many people can provide evidence of these qualities. I believe a person can search a lifetime for the "perfect" mate. What I needed were qualities like that in a man and we could work together on building a marriage. I was 21 and that was fifteen years ago.

 

Over the years, we have had our good and bad times like anyone will. We have been there for each other through many hard situations. He is a stable man. He is also unmotivated. He does not kiss me. I am so unhappy and have been so for quite some time. I begin to wonder if all men are lazy, otherwise, why are the typical stereotypes of men being couch potatoes and women being nags? Truly, I do not know. I do not want to nag and so I tried to do as much maintenance on house and property as I could without asking for help. I tried to encourage him to do things. I guess my "encouragement" was nagging. But I really think waiting years for something to be done is a sign of patience. I have to ask for kisses and then settle for a peck. I want, no, I need passion. I need to feel attractive to my man but he never volunteers this either. I am not drop dead gorgeous but I think I am somewhat pretty. All I can think of is being on my own but what about him. He does just enough to make me wonder if.. if we just try harder, maybe we can work toward each other. But, after trying and literally begging for so many years, I think I am only lying to myself. My family is both religious and old-fashioned. I do not want to lose my legacy, my property. I do not want to lose my sanity. I want to be free.

 

I guess I had an awakening after returning to college four years ago. It was as if a light had been turned on in my soul.

 

I know this is my side of the story only and you are a perfect stranger, but if you could lend some insight, I would be grateful.

 

Your Friend in Cyberland

Kim

[Sub-Rosa]

Live your life in a way that makes you happy and fulfilled...if you aren't happy...do whatever it takes to find happiness

[solstice48]

Speaking from a man's point of view it sounds like you really need to sit down with your husband & talk. Let him know the seriousness of the situation & in an open & honest way explain your feelings to him. I may not be the one to give advice since not long ago my wife walked out of my life after 25 yrs because she wanted to find herself, but I've found that honest communcation in a marriage is important. It was missing in mine please don't let it happen to yours. If it isn't there a lot of misunderstandings & assumtions take place which may lead to someplace niether one of you really want to go. It doesn't work trying to guess what's going on in the other persons mind. Have you considered going to a counselor? This might show your husband that he needs to wake up & be more concerned about what is really going on between the both of you. Maybe you both need some time apart to get your feelings sorted out. I would hope that you both put the effort into resolving your troubles & work towards a better future. Its something I wish my ex would have been able to do. I hope this may have helped a little. Hope your love for each other works out!

[headinformontana]

Thank you both for your responses... esp. Solstice48

 

I try to talk of things and the moment I say something hinting at an in-depth discussion, I see body language which says.. oh God, here we go again. To him, we are beating a dead horse. I believe I am a completely different person than the girl he met in 1987. I have made more than my share of mistakes and said many things which should never have been said. He never forgets and, I do not believe he can forgive. He had to put up with me maturing and now that I am finally here.. well.. he is in his rut and is content.

 

Are all men this stubborn???? I can get along with anyone and as long as he and I are laughing, everything is hunky dory. I really try to talk but nothing ever comes of it, it seems.

 

I know there aren't any immediate answers.. just seems the questions keep piling up.

 

we tried one counsellor - I think the toughest part there is that my husband is extremely private and finding a quality counsellor is not easy. Bearing the soul once that way was brutal.

 

Thank you again for your help

Kim

[solstice48]

Kim- You situation sounds pretty close to what I went through not long ago. I'm still dealing with the aftershock of it all. My exwife was/is a private person when it comes to sharing her feelings & even though we went to a few counseling sessions they didn't last. I guess its difficult if not impossible for some people to open up & that includes a someone that's willing to help as a trained observer & counselor. Talking to each other is something I wanted in my marriage but didn't find out how important it really was until our relationship was headed south. Its courious but during the ending of my marriage I got the same thing from my ex that said "here we go again" & beating the dead horse to her was our marriage. We all know people change, in my case my ex started a new job which opened her up to new friends & a feeling of independence. I was ok with that, in fact I helped her get the job. But it changed her in a way that I feel moved her away from our relationship. And, I'm sure her new friends had something to do with luring her away. I can tell you it's just not men that are stubborn, once my ex made up her mind there was no changing it, to her everything was black or white no in between shades. Unfortunetly that also applied to working out our differences so our marriage could go on. Don't beat yourself up for making mistakes if you didn't you'd be a perfect person & there's not many of them around. And, I myself have said things I should not have said but there's no taking them back & all you can do is express the sorrow you have for saying them & let your actions show it. But, as in your case my ex doesn't forget & I think forgiving is she doesn't do. I know there are a lot of questions going on in your mind, h*ll I've still got them in mine that will probably never be answered. I really think your husband needs to wake up to the person he has in you & decide what he where he wants to go. Of course your going to have to make some decisions also, but try to give it all you can. They're important decisions that shouldn't be taken lightly & un fortunetly they dont' come easy. Again I hope this helped, & if you feel like talking directly you can just write to me or come on back here. I think it helps to talk.