Is it wrong to want people to sympathize?

[Celadon]

Not even sure I should post this, it's a little embarrassing, but what the hey...

 

I really want people to sympathize with me. I'm not demanding of my friends, it's more like I feel disappointed when they don't give me the understanding I want. Like, if some person hurts me, and I tell a friend about it, I want her to say stuff like, "wow, he was really rude!" or "I'm sure that must've hurt..." Not just listen politely for awhile and then change the topic.

 

OK. I know not everyone is good at sympathy, but sometimes I feel like I give my friends SO much sympathy and listen to them and offer my best advice, and I can't expect the same from them. I may not have "drama queen" stories to tell, but I still deserve to be listened to.

 

BUT, I don't know how I'd really say anything about it to them without sounding like a whiner. Sometimes I feel like my only "defense" is to stop being such a good listener for them.

 

OTOH, is there anyone out there who used to be like me, but changed?

[Kasers41901]

Only thing I can think of is, stay as you are, ever heard of the saying whats goes around comes around? if they dont want to listen to you one day they are going to meet up with someone who doesnt want to listen to them, it will all come back on them, but anyways seriously dont change and be different because they wont listen to you..... Make Sense???

[armchairshrink]

K8tie, what you're looking for is called "support" or "reinforcement", and it's not wrong to want it. That's perfectly normal; we all need it from time to time.

 

You're right that many people are not good at listening or offering support. But do your friends *know* that you're looking for it? It's not fair to just assume that they know what you need but won't or can't help you. Perhaps they think you're so good at giving advice that you don't need to hear any. (I'm only half joking).

 

Try asking for it explicitly. Tell your friend about the person that was rude to you, and then ask: "Do you think that was rude?" Or maybe someone is being a jerk at work. Tell them about it, then ask, "So how do I get this person off my case? I really need some help here." Then give them a chance to answer. If they are truly your friends they'll be happy to help.

 

The one thing I wouldn't do is change myself or stop offering my own support to others. This probably isn't the case, but you make it sound as though the only reason you do it is to get it back from others. You sound too nice to do such a thing. Try asking first.

 

Oh, I almost forgot the one question you never want to ask: "Does this dress make me look fat?"

[Tsunami]

Ha, i am like you, but you have to accept that people have different ways of dealing with things etc. Sometimes sympathy is difficult to give because it doesn't always help, the person might just feed off it! My parents rarely give me sympathy, it teaches you to act up to get attention.

 

But yeah, sympathy is good, i could do with a bit of that at the moment.. If you just accept that not everyone is going to live up to your expectations you will be a lot more happier, otherwise you might end up isolating yourself (something i have done in the past, then your completely alone, not a nice place to be).

[Tsunami]

Appologies people, that has to be one of my worst posts! I mean what i say but i agree with what else has been posted. Not my day today

[darkblue]

I don't think you're expecting too much from your friends.

 

You are there for them, why shouldn't you have it back?

 

I don't like to sympathise, more empathise.

 

But I will listen and talk through problems with friends, that's what friends are for.

[smallworld]

BUT, I don't know how I'd really say anything about it to them without sounding like a whiner. Sometimes I feel like my only "defense" is to stop being such a good listener for them.

 

OTOH, is there anyone out there who used to be like me, but changed?

K8tie, Darkblue's right - what you're really asking for (and deserve) is "empathy". If your friends aren't giving it to you, then you need to teach them what you need from them. Undoubtedly they're drawn to you, because you're such a sweet, understanding person. I'm sure if you told them how you feel, they'd be happy to do the same for you.

 

I'm much like you btw and no, your need to be understood never changes. You just get better at taking care of your own needs and learning how to ask others to fill in the gaps.

 

Sometimes sympathy is difficult to give because it doesn't always help, the person might just feed off it! My parents rarely give me sympathy, it teaches you to act up to get attention.

Interesting Tsunami! There will always be whiners of course, but I've found that most people (including myself) can solve their own problems if they feel understood. When I try to help others, I always try to identify with how they feel first, because often times what "traps" us in a problem is the feeling that we did something wrong or we don't have a right to feel the way we do. Empathy "clears" that trap and allows the person to see the reality of their situation more readily and solve it themselves.

 

So imho, empathy ("Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives") isn't indulging a person. It's one of the most priceless things a friend can give you.

[Celadon]

Thanks for replying, you guys. You're so awesome! I'm glad to know I'm not weird for wanting/needing reinforcement and empathy. Phew!

 

But do your friends *know* that you're looking for it? ... Try asking for it explicitly. Tell your friend about the person that was rude to you, and then ask: "Do you think that was rude?" Or maybe someone is being a jerk at work. Tell them about it, then ask, "So how do I get this person off my case? I really need some help here." Then give them a chance to answer. If they are truly your friends they'll be happy to help.

 

You know, I never really thought of that! I mean, I'm sort of "subtle" in personality -- people've said that -- but I didn't think about how to be more explicit. That's pretty exciting actually. I'm going to start thinking of some things I could say.

 

Now that you mention it, I *have* seen that sort of technique work before. When one of my co-workers thinks the boss isn't listening attentively enough, she'll say, "SO, John, what I need from you is ..." And it gets his attention.

 

Thanks bunches for great advice!

[LIFE]

Why do you need sympathy right now? It seems like your feelings are hurt or something....explain.

[Celadon]

Well, sympathy from others lessens the hurt. That's why women like men to listen to them and understand, rather than telling them how to fix the problem. Being supported is the point, not solving the problem.

 

Hurt can also make one feel isolated - esp. if it was intentionally inflicted. Sympathy tells the hurt person "you're not alone." Make sense?

[Boricua7]

Why do you need sympathy right now? It seems like your feelings are hurt or something....explain.

 

K8tie is right. No one wants to be pitied but everyone likes to know that they're not alone (hence why we are all members of eNotAlone.com). Sometimes there is no apparent solution to the problem at hand but to know you have someone who cares about you and supports you makes you stronger and more able to deal with the situation.

[Celadon]

K8tie is right. No one wants to be pitied but everyone likes to know that they're not alone (hence why we are all members of eNotAlone.com). Sometimes there is no apparent solution to the problem at hand but to know you have someone who cares about you and supports you makes you stronger and more able to deal with the situation.

 

Aw, thanks, Borica7! You're a doll.

[plufber]

A person can’t live alone in this world. We feel necessity of each other. We want people to sympathize with us because we want to be sure that we are not alone. Having friends is a sort of confirmation of our existence. But there is another side. We want to have a real friend because we want to live somebody’s life. And we want somebody to live our life. But we are to remember that each of us has his own life. :scatter:

[Celadon]

Wise words, plufber! cool.

[TingGirlLA]

Let your friend know you are disappointed. Give them a chance to change, if they don't, then find someone else to unload on.

 

Some friends are good for shopping trips, some are good travel partners, and some are good at listening.

[plufber]

Wise words, plufber! cool.

But I feel that Im living not my life. I always want to devote myself to someone...

[Celadon]

Thanks, TingGirlLA. Funny thing, I think one friend got the message, even though I didn't directly confront her. One thing I did do was start paying attention to how I was feeling, figuring that if I didn't feel like listening intently the next time she called, I would only give her as much attention as I could. You know what? It helped!

 

Instead of her getting more and more wrapped up in what she was saying, she recognized that I was on the other end of the line. When it came my time to talk, she listened and commented and all that stuff. It was almost like in dating, where if one person gives the other person everything, the other person starts taking them for granted. But if one person holds back a little, it reminds the other person to try and meet their needs.

[Celadon]

Wise words, plufber! cool.

But I feel that Im living not my life. I always want to devote myself to someone...

 

Well, I think that's great that you want to devote yourself to someone. A lot of people don't understand that sharing someone's life, and them sharing yours, is what relationships are all about. I mean, I definitely dated guys before who thought it was all about ME sharing HIS life, but not HIM making the effort to share mine.

 

At the same time, you can totally live your life as a single person, IMHO. There's so much you can share with people. I mean, if you're into something - like cars, hiking, sports, whatever -- and your wife or gf doesn't like those things, you'll STILL need to have friends to share those interests with. I guess I'm trying to say that a wife or gf won't give you a life, necessarily.

 

But ... I do understand being lonely as a single and wanting to have someone who knows you and loves you. I want that too. I'm sure you'll find someone very special, plufber.

[TheRock]

Here is my perspective. It's certainly normal to feel that way, but some of us feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't know why. Although as a guy, I feel it is hard to show too much emotion because I might appear weak or something like that. Actually though I am on this site with my question looking for a little sympathy/empathy myself. It is eaasier to be anonymous. So thanks for the response on my post!

[DRB]

K8tie Kool,

 

A friend and I always say "No one listens to the listener".

 

I feel your pain. I think its a skill you can learn though (listening), if they are lucky they will learn. Its the best skill to have. You should sympathise with them.

[Celadon]

I appreciate your replies - glad to know I'm at least somewhat normal. Thanks!