more problems with her guy friend

[surething]

I've been with my gf for 8 months. From early on, we've had problems because of this guy friend she's had for years. I'm fine with her having a male friend, but this guy was and still could be after her. He used to pursue her all the time. She had a boyfriend then, and now she is with me. So its really wrong and i hate guys who do that. He's done a lot of things that cross the line, like going to her window at night, and flirting and touching her and on and on. Since she's been with me, he hasn't done that much and it seems he's backed off, but i still don't like it. Those things anger me beyond belief! I hate this guy and everyone else does too.

 

After my gf and i had a huge argument/talk about it, it was kind of settled and she seems to be more into our relationship than her friendship with him, which is awesome. She also won't hang out with him alone anymore. She insists that he does not like her anymore, and that he's into all these other girls now. I made her promise to tell me about anything that happens, like if this guy tries something. She promised to tell me out of respect for my feelings. For a while i felt better, but now i don't know.

 

I'm posting because a few weeks ago she was hanging out with this guy. She brought a friend of ours along. After that night, i asked my gf what they did and so on. She was short with me and said it was fine. I flat out asked her if this guy did anything, and she said "no." I even asked a week later and i got the same answer. I mean i know things are better, but i don't believe the night ended without any incidents at all. This was a week ago.

 

Last night, i was hanging out with our friend who tagged along that night. She told me some things about that night that really hurt me! She said he picked the movie "Can't Hardly Wait", where apparently the character in the movie is in love with a friend and can't have her. Her friend then said "I'm in a similar situation as that guy", meaning he wants my gf. My friend stood up for me which was cool. Anyway, he also apparetnly drove by a park, and my friend thinks he might have taken my girlfriend there if she didn't tag along. The worst part of this all is that my gf told our friend not to tell me, because i would get the wrong idea.

 

She promised to tell me everything. She told me nothing happened and that this guy is not interested in her anymore. We had a whole talk about being open and honest, and she's lying. I can't believe it. She's been going along hiding this from me and i can't stand it. In the past she has also hidden other things about this guy which my friend told me about also. I know her intentions are somewhat good - she doesn't want me to get upset or mad or anything. But still, it is wrong to hide big stuff like that. She is in denial and i can easily see it in her face whenever i asked her about it in the past.

 

Please help. My gf is on vacation for about another week. So i have to live with this weighing on my mind until then! She doesn't know that i know. I want to talk about it on the phone but i don't want to ruin anything. So i'd have to wait days after she gets back and i don't know if i can do that. I seriously want to deal with this guy myself. I'm okay with waiting to talk to her. I'm getting better with it but its still hard and i don't know how i can trust her. She is also dishonest when it comes to other guys hitting on her, which is another thing that bothers me. She doesn't really lie but she hides things from me and it hurts a lot. I can never trust her to tell me anything now. I can't. She hides everything that she thinks i might not like hearing. What do i do? Thank you for reading.

[birdgirl]

I hope you'll forgive me, but from what you write, you sound a little overbearing. I am trying to help by being honest about my thoughts about your post -- I'm not trying make you feel bad or criticize you in a bad way. If I'm wrong, please accept my apologies.

 

I know how hard it is for you to know she's hanging out with someone who wants her. As long as she doesn't return the feelings, try not to worry too much. I have a similar friendship, and I try to downplay how my friend feels about me to my boyfriend. I also told my guy friend that if he hits on or flirts with me, that we can't hang out anymore. Has she had a similar conversation with her friend?

 

I think you are completely justified in how you're feeling, but if she doesn't want to give up the friendship, you're going to have to deal, or move on.

 

It probably didn't cross her mind that this was important information to tell you. If he was touching her before, a simple comment might have seemed harmless and not worth bringing up. Or, it probably seemed easier to just not tell you. Why would she want to make you upset?

 

If you want her to be honest with you, try working on your reactions to the things she says. My therapist (I feel so stupid saying that) saying that honesty is only possible when you keep the lines of communication open. I had an ex who lied like crazy, and my therapist basically said I was partially responsible for the lying because I would overreact to things all the time. I now work on being easier to talk to and not overreactive, no matter how I may feel about the things my boyfriend tells me.

 

I don't think that her having trouble talking to you about this makes her untrustworthy.

 

I hope I've helped in some way. If you trust her (other than the recent things she chose not to mention) relax a little. Hopefully this friendship will just fizzle out.

[Cecelius]

Your girl sounds young, which is not a crime but is a reality that must be acknowledged.

 

If would be goofy for you (or her) to "cut this guy off" in the sense of making a big production about it, but a mature person would be better able to get rid of this guy WITHOUT making a big deal about it.

 

But yes, there is nothing good that comes from her hanging out with him and it is clearly not okay for her to hang with him. She's sticking her hand in the lion's mouth and he WILL try something. That he may try something may be his problem, but what does it tell you that YOUR G/F is willing to risk a feeble pass or caress? What does it say that she apparently is more concerned with his feelings than yours (or that they are on equal ground? What does it say that she censors what information gets to you "for your own good"?

 

Your job as a man is not to care about chumps like this. Her job is to make sure there is nothing to care about.

 

Neither of you are doing your jobs very weel right now.

[djedix]

I really hate this issue with people, but unfortinatilly it's life. And it comes up. What would you do if a girl was giving you allot of attention? and always asking you to hang out, and stuff. You would probally like the extra attention, but acting on it is what makes all the diffrence. You can't control your g/f, im not saying you are. remember she's her own person, and she makes her own decisions. I mean yea it really sucks man, that she's doing this. Mine does the same thing with this kid, I caught them exchanging txt messages on the cellphone, and it was dishearting.

 

Part of me thinks this behavior is selfish to a relationship. They know it bothers you, but they still do it anyways. And if you say anything about it they will tell you your overbearing, controlling, acting like a father... whatever the phrase will be. It's NOT fair at all, but it's Life.

 

She might know he likes her, and she might like the attention. She might not even think anything about him in that way. The truth is you don't know, and you can't know, unless you ask and she tells you. You can't make assumptions in your head. In the end it will ruin the relationship because you will constantly be thinking she's sneaking behind your back doing stuff every time she does something suspicious to you...

 

It sucks because you think when your in a relationship, you think your the one she wants to be with... Why bother go see and hang out with other guys? Guys who will get the wrong impression. How would she like it if you were doing this with a girl?.... Don't fall into the trap of playing games back and forth eather, cuz that will ruin the relationship.

 

The only thing you can really do is wait it out, and see how she handles the situation, because it's her issues. I know it bothers you, and you wana scream, or go beat the hell out of this kid, but you can't.... you just gotta let her see for herself what she's doing, and to you. And if she has any morals, and trust, and love for you... nothing will happen. Trust her, and if she fails you, atleast it wont be on your shoulders.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I totally understand where you are coming from on this one. I had the same problems with my ex. You have to be extremely carefull in this situation. Heres what happened with me and my ex.

 

We were living together and she started getting rides to work from a co-worker that was a guy. I had no problems with this. She started hanging out with this guy, I didn't have a problem with this either. I was so confortable in my relationship and the thoughts of her never leaving me that I did never worry about that type of thing. I never had a problem with it until I found out she was lying to me about seeing him. She was inviting him places where she was telling me it was just her and a couple of her friends. This is when I freaked out. I found out through one of her friends that didn't like what she was doing. She dumped me like a week later.

 

She is still playing the same old tricks with this new guy she is seeing, hanging out with another guy, but now is lying to her new b/f about it because he freaks out. And I mean freaks out. He's started accusing her of having guys in her bedroom when he is on the phone with her... etc. So she has been lying to him about it. She swears she doesn't like this guy even tho she knows he is totally in love with her. He is younger and she says she would never go out with a guy that is younger than her.

 

Anyways, my point is, I don't think there is anything wrong with her hanging out with this guy as long as you are kept in the loop about it. If she is being honest with you, telling you when she is hanging out with him, etc. then everything should be legit. If she starts lying, then you have a big problem. You have to keep your reactions in check, jelousy is considered a weekness, and thereforeeee unattractive and unproductive in a woman's eyes (so I'm told, correct me if I am wrong lady's).

 

If you turn this situation into a big deal she WILL start lying to you, and seeing him behind your back.

 

Its possible that something is missing in her relationship with you, that you may not being telling us. People stay for all sorts of reasons but hardly ever when they are happy, remember that.

 

You certainly can make this alot worse, so becarefull what you say and how you react. But you also should not have to second guess what you have to say, or keep to yourself about your feelings. Key here is communication, and I think that is what you are trying to open up here with her. remember, your in control of yourself!

 

Thats just my 2 cents, from being in a very similar situation.

[OUTOFTHEBLUE9]

I wanna add that I agree 100% with the above post by djedix

[surething]

Thanks for all the replies. You all made great points that make sense. I forgot to add some things. She and i are very very happy. We had some bad times but lately everything has been amazing. We're really in love and plan on being married in the future.

 

I am not at all worried about her having feelings for him. I know thats not a problem. Part of what bothers me most is the fact that this guy has the nerve to do stuff like that. I can't stand it. I know she doesn't have feelings, everyone else says so too.

 

She DOES tell me when she's seeing him and whatnot. We had a big talk about this and she agreed to tell me all of that. So i mean i trust her with that. That isn't the issue. Its the other things, like what this guy does. I'm guessing she knows i wouldn't like it but still, i have the right to know and she promised to tell me everything. She feels so strongly about being open and talking to each other about everything, yet she can pick and choose what she tells me. I've gotten better - i used to freak out and she knows. But after we discussed it, i got way better and i really didn't care when they hung out. She won't even hang out with him alone out of respect for me, which is a great thing. I just wish she would tell me these things. From now on i'll ask her if i can come along if they hang out. She said she would but hasn't yet. Thanks again for all of the replies. I wasn't expecting that much help.

[djedix]

I do the same thing, I freak out... The key is freak out in your own little way, and not on her, or let her see you freaking out. Mine hung out with this kid again after being with me on this past thursday night, i asked her to stay the night, but she was like no im gonna go home its easyier to get up in the moringing or something. Then instead of calling me, she textd me that she wasnt going home, but she was going to hang out with him, to get coffie at the diner or something. I was extremely pissed off, i jumped in my car and just got up on the highway and was driving way to fast... But she doesn't know i freaked out. I just put on a stupid mask, and acted like everything was ok. I didnt say anything to her that would piss her off... i just let her have her space., and the days after, i could see her mood with me was alot better because now she knows i trust her.

[Cecelius]

i asked her to stay the night, but she was like no im gonna go home its easyier to get up in the moringing or something. Then instead of calling me, she textd me that she wasnt going home, but she was going to hang out with him, to get coffie at the diner or something. I was extremely pissed off, i jumped in my car and just got up on the highway and was driving way to fast...

 

Your g/f left a date with you to go hang with some other guy?

 

That's not reason for a freak out, that's reason for a dumping

[surething]

I know she wouldn't like it if i "freaked" out. But the bottom line is, she knows i have the right to. And she DOES do the same thing. My gf herself complains about me and our female friend, even though there is nothing at all going on there, no flirting or anything. The issue is that my gf lied - she told me she would let me know if anything happens with this guy. She didn't. I keep hearing about it from our friend and thats wrong. Where is the honesty in the relationship? Yeah its one small thing that happened, but i feel really strongly about this one thing and she knows that. I understand not telling me so i wouldn't get upset. BUT i think this is something important that needs to be shared so that something can be done to stop this guy from further damaging our relationship.

 

These guy friends may be "friends." But in my eyes, the fact that they have other intentions totally changes that. This guy is mainly being her friend to get close to her, in hopes that someday she'll turn around and be with him, which is ridiculous. She may think its all friendly, while he has other stuff going on in his mind. I don't know how someone could still be okay with that kind of friendship. I'll admit that she has changed and has actually been blowing him off for me, but still, hiding stuff isn't right and i have to talk to her about it. We've discussed this whole situation months ago but she didn't hold her part up fully. I feel like a huge idiot for not coming along with them. He has to know that i'm there and here to stay. I can't let anything else happen. Its happened too many times already and i haven't done enough to set it straight. I won't freak out or anything, but i'll talk to her and maybe this guy too.