facing reality and moving on

[Confused and hurt]

Btbt-

 

We must be living parallel lives! This guy that I had started seeing at the end of May recently told me that he had stopped calling me for a month because he got the impression the last time we went out that I wanted something serious and he was not ready for that. Yet, he also told me that I could have called him more and that maybe we would get together again in a few weeks. I have no idea for what...but I just said whatever.

 

I know how crappy it feels. You sit there wondering what did I do wrong? I don't know...I take it personally. I think the exact same way you do....that he just does not want a serious relationship with me and that if the "right" girl came along he would have no hesitation about a relationship.

 

On the flipside, I sometimes think that maybe some guys are kind of scared to jump into things. I know from talking to alot of my male friends that they have passed up alot of great girls - who in retrospect they think would have made excellent girlfriends - because they were just not in a relationship frame of mind at the time.

 

I guess it all just boils down to whatever is meant to be will be. Nobody knows what the future holds.....maybe these guys will turn around in a few months and want to revisit the relationship idea with us, or maybe they won't. This is what I keep telling myself....I find that it helps me let go. I am really trying to think positive...if he does end up at some point wanting a relationship with me, then that's great...but if not, I am sure there will be someone who will. Until then, I can chalk this up to another life experience....I went on a few great dates, and had an awesome time with a great guy!

 

I would definitely be curious people's opinions on the "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" issue though.....

[catgirl82]

i am living parallel lives with you girls. just read my posts. today was the first day that i stopped obsessing over this guy. im not calling him anymore- if he calls me, great, i'll be excited. if he doesnt call me, oh well. why would i want to be interested in a guy who's not interested in me? i dont take it personally. i know that he at one point thought i was amazing, smart, funny and beautiful. i dont think that all of a sudden changes. if you felt that way about a guy, would it suddenly change? i do honestly believe some guys are just not ready for relationships. i at one point was not ready for a relationship.

 

lets all learn from our experiences and try to make the best of them. i look back at what i had with this guy and smile- there were no bad moments. while it makes it very hard to let go of something like that, im grateful i got to spend a couple of months getting to know someone and have fun with them.

[bellkristi]

I have a 22 year old son. He's not ready for a serious relationship either. And you know what...at 43, I can see that he really isn't. He's very young and still trying to figure out how to make himself happy...trying to find his own place in the world. There's a girl that he's been dating for a while that he thinks a lot of (and so do I). She respects that and has her own life, and that's why he's still seeing her. It isn't that he doesn't love her...he does. And it isn't an age thing...people become ready when they do. He could be 33 or 43 and feel the same way. Right now...after the breakup of a 9 year relationship, I'm not ready for a serious relationship with anyone. I would hope that anyone I might choose to date would respect that and give themselves time to grow on me, if they're going to.

 

I think the reason that books like "He's not that into you" or "The Rules" say that men should do the pursuing is because they are very funny creatures. Most men don't want to feel "pushed" into anything. But really, when you think about it...none of us do. Most women don't want to give men an opportunity to fall for us without wanting to know where the relationship is going...And as soon as we start giving off those signals instead of being fun to be around, they're gone. And even when we think we're "being light" about things, they can hear it in our voices... they have radar for desperation, and they RUN in the other direction when they sense it. I think most women do the same thing...that's why we stay away from "nice" guys who grovel at our feet and go for the "bad boys" who break our hearts.

 

The other thing I think that's important to mention is...just because you fall in love with someone doesn't necessarily mean they'll fall in love with you. They may be what you consider the perfect person for you, but that doesn't mean you're the perfect one for them. It's reallly a matter of personal choice and preference, and not a matter of your being a horrible worthless person. I have a girlfriend who is dating a guy that thinks she's the "bees knees." She's not that into him. There's nothing inherently wrong with him...he's just not "it" for her. She says he's a great guy and she wishes she felt about him the way he does about her...but she "just doesn't." The chemistry is wrong. You can't force love. It either works for both of you...or it doesn't. And when it does, you'll know it.

 

Every person who comes into our lives is there to teach us something about ourselves and about relationships. If a relationship fails, for whatever reason it does, that doesn't mean you're a horrible person or that you need to beat yourself (or the other person) up. Maybe it just means that it wasn't the right relationship. But we might still learn something from what that person has said to us that will make us better in the next one. And if a guy says "I'm not ready for a serious relationship," that might mean "with you" or it might mean "with ANYONE." Don't kill yourself trying to interpret which it is...try to recognize that he's doing you a favor by walking away instead of hurting you more later...and move on. Someone here mentioned the idea that being with someone who doesn't really want to be with you isn't the best situation, and they're right. It's far better to be with someone who DOES want to be with you. So let go, wish him well...and make yourself happy. You can't be happy if you're "obsessing" over why he's behaving the way he does. He does what he does and he feels how he feels, but that doesn't have to control what you do or how you feel.

 

If anyone is interested, a friend of mine a few years back recommended two books that have, over time, changed my perspective on things and on how people interact with one another...they're both by Don Miguel Ruiz. One of them is called "The Four Agreements" and the other is called "The Mastery of Love." I highly recommend them to anyone who wants to understand themselves or others a little bit better, and to understand why, when a guy says to you "I'm not ready for a serious relationship" when you ARE...you just tell him "Thank you for being honest" and move along to a guy who IS ready.

[Shidoshi]

No doubt relationships can be complicated, but I think fundamentally they're simple. Usually when a person says "I don't want anything serious," it means either they don't consider you to be of high value, or they believe they can do better. No one says that to a person they're head-over-heels for. I think people also tend to use it to protect their feelings in case things don't work out, or they use it as an excuse to hook up with other people without the guilt. Rarely do hear "I don't want anything serious, but we should be exclusive."

[catgirl82]

i disagree, i think some people are not ready for relationships for one reason or another. sure, alot of times, the person uses it as a way to let the other person down easy, just because theyre not interested in that person. but i certainly think there are cases where people acknowledge the fact that its not an appropriate time to start a serious relationship.

 

what about people who jump from one serious relationship to another? that alwyas ends in disaster. people need to heal and get back on their feet before they can date again

[Shidoshi]

i disagree, i think some people are not ready for relationships for one reason or another.

Oh no I'm not saying the reasons I mentioned are the only ones.

but i certainly think there are cases where people acknowledge the fact that its not an appropriate time to start a serious relationship.

Yeah but even if you want a serious relationship it doesn't start out that way. Atleast normally it shouldn't, it develops over time.

what about people who jump from one serious relationship to another? that alwyas ends in disaster.

I don't it's because of the label of a "serious" relationaship, they're probably too clingy and codependant.

people need to heal and get back on their feet before they can date again

I agree.