fulltime Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I have known this wonderful gal for a month and we started going out 2 weeks ago. We joked, teased and had lots to chat about. We met every other alternate day and enjoyed each other's company. We also chatted every nite on MSN. She did admit she was attracted to me and had feelings towards me, however, she has got phobia in starting a relationship w me. She was never in a relationship before and she was afraid that things wun work out. Another reason was tat she is afraid of being dumped. Due to the above reasons, she is trying to avoid me now. As she is afraid tat constant meeting will make her fall deeper into this relationship. I realli like her alot n i hope to be able to convince her that we shld let nature take its course and help her get rid of her relationship phobia. Can anyone give me advice on how i can help her get rid of the relationship phobia? Link to comment
bellamcb Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well, I can't. If she's avoiding you now then that is a big sign. Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well, I can't. If she's avoiding you now then that is a big sign. Hi, thks for your reply. she is trying to reduce the frequency we meet. Not really totally avoid me. In fact, we just had a chat over the phone. She claimed tat she wanted to know more abt me, but she dunno how to begin. I believe the relationship phobia is causing her big headache. If i can rid her of her phobia, i think i hav a good chance of winning her heart. Link to comment
bellamcb Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well then, you would certainly know better than I would! Good luck!! Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Well then, you would certainly know better than I would! Good luck!! is it normal for gals to have relationship phobia? how can i help her? thks Link to comment
darkblue Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 She could be insecure. You'll just have to bear with it. Try and see her as much as possible and gain trust. Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 She could be insecure. You'll just have to bear with it. Try and see her as much as possible and gain trust. thks for ur reply, i will try n bear w it and show patience.... she is still undecided whether to start a relationship w me, i will try n give her more time... Link to comment
slw1 Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 You sound young and its only been a month ,so take your time whats the big hurry. take your time and be her FRIEND first and gain her trust. Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 16, 2005 Author Share Posted July 16, 2005 actually, i am no longer young, reaching my 30s soon. 2 weeks have passed since my last post and lots of things hav happened. She always refuses to go out w me in consecutive days, for the fear that she will like me. As a result, we always went out on mon, wed, fri. During the last 2 dates, she rested her heads on my shoulders, we have held hands. However, when i popped the qn, asking her if shes willing to give me a chance, she said she will consider. However, upon reaching home, she immediately sent a SMS, saying tat she still not ready to commit to a relationship w me, and hope tat we can be veri good frens. It made me ponder if she did hav any feelings for me, if not, why did she took the initiative to hold my hands, etc? Or like wat u said, is it bcos she needs more time? I am lost... Link to comment
12507520 Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 I think she is as confused about her own feelings as you. She doesn't know what she wants. I have to admit, I almost jumped when I saw your posts. I almost thought you were the guy I'm currently really confused about. I have never been in a relationship before because, though I'm friendly, I tend to automatically block people out when they get too close. I also have a tendency to go after guys that are not interested and don't give a chance to those that are. Is that commitment/relationship phobia??? I was searching for answers when I came accross your post. I agreed to go out with this guy that I dated recently because I felt so comfortable around him, like I can finally be myself. He's unlike any other guy I've ever met, so I decided to give him a chance. But after a few really great dates and conversations together I told him I could only see him on an occasional basis due to work&study committments, but he wanted to see me more frequently. thereforeeee, we decided (or maybe I decided...) we couldn't go on with the relationship. I really don't know why out of the blue I just decided I didn't want to see him so often bc everything was going great. I've rested against his shoulders and held hands, like in your case. But I have avoided kissing him because what was going through my head was fear of leading him on and hurting him (because he is such a great guy) and also fear of getting too emotionally involved and unable to get out of something that I may want to get out of later on. I think I also have a general fear of the contingencies of relationships, eg. things not working out, making regular time to see him Like your girl, I've never been in a long term relationship before so this is very new territory for us. I think maybe if there is this such thing as a 'phobia' then if you can get rid of it then there is definitely a chance of winning her heart. I have more questions than answers for you. This is just a statement of how I feel, perhaps allowing you to understand her better. But then she may be different. I don't know what's wrong with me and am quite confused. It will also be helpful for me if you could keep me updated on how your relationship is going and tell me your thoughts Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 Hi, i really dun understand the phobia. If u never really try, u will not know if the r/s will turn out well. All these qns need to be answered by spending more time and getting to know the guy deeper. Give him n urself a chance to develop further. FYI, there is a new twist to my "story", after rejecting me via sms, the next day, she asked me out. So when we were out, she grabed my hands agn, and also rested shoulders. I am confused as to wats on her mind. Are u able to advise me on tat? Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 i am realli confused now. 1 hr ago, she asked me if i can think of where to go with her... then now, she told me not to date her out anymore.. the reason is "i dun wan to hang onto ur life den restrict u from knowing others"... I wonder if she is taking me as a spare tyre, as in she is waiting for someone else, but when she is lonely, she will ask for my company. HOWEVER, from wat i understand, besides spending time w me, she spends the rest of her time at home. 12507520, u think u r able to explain this? Link to comment
12507520 Posted July 18, 2005 Share Posted July 18, 2005 I can't explain it in words, but I know that she is feeling exactly as I feel. I did say to my guy friday night that we can't have a relationship, but I've been thinking about him all weekend and now I'm really tempted to call him and ask if we can go out again. But I know that if I go out with him I'll be unsure and be tempted to run away again. It's definitely not that we (me and your girl) are waiting for someone else or using you as a spare tyre. In fact, I think that my guy is the best guy I've ever met and probably will ever meet. Weird thing is I said to my guy on Friday night ""i dun wan to hang onto ur life den restrict u from knowing others". I said that to my guy because I care about him, I know that I'm really uncertain about this relationship so I feel that it is not fair that I should have him hanging there while my feelings yoyo. I feel like i don't want to waste all he has to offer (and he has so much to offer) on me because I think that I can't commit 100%. He deserves more happiness than what I can offer him. Perhaps we (me and your girl) are just insecure. For me, the reason I don't feel like I can commit 100% is because I'm very career oriented. Everything I spend time and effort on has to have a acknowledged end to it, eg. promotion, awards, societal acknowledgement. Its really bad I know, but I can't help my sense of wanting to achieve. I'm not sure if your girl is really sucessful? Another thing is, I think it is because its our first serious relationship we don't know how to go about it. Its the first time we've needed to constantly think and consider someone else (besides our family members which is different). If you really see potential in this girl, give her time. She needs to think about her new emotions. But if you feel like you can't put up with her yoyoing and emotional insecurity perhaps move on, otherwise it is not fair on you. But one thing is for sure. Like me, she is a type that takes relationships really seriously (almost too serious that we become insecure once we face one). I don't tend to have deep feelings for guys very easily. That's why we're so old, but have never had a relationship. But the up side is, it means that if you win her heart she will be very very faithful. I will guarantee the chances of me cheating is 0. Which is why we are so afraid of entering a relationship, because we are afraid of being hurt, because we know that we will take the relationship very seriously. my guy just called me. I told him I'll call him back. Help! I really don't know what to say to him. I kind of miss him. But then I don't know. Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 thks for ur reply. Seems like u r exactly an mirror image of my gal. Well, she is still schooling, just like me. We r both in the UNI. Bascially, i just went out w her again, after she said not to date her anymore in the afternoon. She admitted tat she not realli to start a r/s, but on the other hand, she likes my company. Haiz... she says she needs time to consider n i will give her time. As for wat u shld do, from a guy's pt of view, u shld ask him out, tell me all ur concerns, let him be aware of ur feelings for him, BUT of cos inform him abt ur concerns. I am sure things will work out fine for u Link to comment
12507520 Posted July 19, 2005 Share Posted July 19, 2005 Its nice to know I'm not alone in my 'condition'. I decided to give my guy another chance. I don't know what will happen next. My other advice for you is although you are giving her time, keep in contact with her, even as a friend. Otherwise she is likely to run away as I was tempted to do until my guy called me yesterday. Just let her know that you're there for her and really care about her, but don't be pushy or anything. Try not to dwell on the relationship topic too much. (I'm sorry we're so sensitive) Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 19, 2005 Author Share Posted July 19, 2005 good to know u decided to give him a chance... Yah, i will try to keep in as much contact as possible. We have been going out regularly for the past 3-4 weeks, however, our vacation ends this week, so when sch starts, it might be a bit tedious to meet up so frequently.. The good thing is she is willing to go out w me regualrly, she is no longer afraid of falling for me...she says "let nature take its course" Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 29, 2005 Author Share Posted July 29, 2005 Sigh, now she has admitted nature has taken its course, however, she is not realli to start a r/s w me. She has given lots of unconvincing reasons. We always got close during our dates, as a result, she felt tat we are doing the wrong things as we are yet an item. 12507520, are u able to explain why she is reacting in such a way? Thks, n i hope u r having a great time w ur guy Link to comment
Cecelius Posted July 29, 2005 Share Posted July 29, 2005 This is easy, if not kind: she likes you, but not enough to be a b/f. Brutal honesty? If a dude comes along who turns her head enough, she'll be his g/f and joined at the hip picking out china patters in no time. Try to disappear for a while, be cool and stop paying attention to her -- she's not giving you what you want, so why try to force it? Chances are this will help her miss you. Link to comment
fulltime Posted July 30, 2005 Author Share Posted July 30, 2005 thks Cecelius, u got a pt, i will try disappearing for a while n see wat happens.... Link to comment
GreatGuy Posted August 9, 2005 Share Posted August 9, 2005 Its nice to know I'm not alone in my 'condition'. I decided to give my guy another chance. I don't know what will happen next. My other advice for you is although you are giving her time, keep in contact with her, even as a friend. Otherwise she is likely to run away as I was tempted to do until my guy called me yesterday. Just let her know that you're there for her and really care about her, but don't be pushy or anything. Try not to dwell on the relationship topic too much. (I'm sorry we're so sensitive) I now understand why my lady is like that. You really understand her...you....and all other women in this situation. It really is hard for us guys to make sense of what is going on in your mind, since we're not built like that, but I think that you explained it all better than anyone else. I NOW KNOW ...FINALLY WHAT TO DO AROUND MY LADY!!!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH.....THINGS ARE SO CLEAR FOR ME AND .....WHAT A RELIEF!! Link to comment
fulltime Posted August 11, 2005 Author Share Posted August 11, 2005 we hugged n kissed on our last date (monday), and after i got home, she msn me n told me tat she began to like me more.... however, the next evening, she dropped a bombshell, saying tat she cant let nature take its course...Since then, she has been trying to avoid me, never reply my sms, doesnt come online to MSN anymore... haiz..what is on her mind?? Link to comment
fulltime Posted September 3, 2005 Author Share Posted September 3, 2005 well, she admited that she had a bf previously. n i can tell she still thinks of him. However, today we behaved v inmitate and she also told me tat she loves me. but all of a sudden, she told me tat she needs to consider abt our future... when i sent her home, she told me not to leave her...rite at her doorsteps, we kissed n hugged... onli for her to tell me we are not suitable for each other n shld not be together... CAN anyone tell me wats holding her back? i told her if she needs time to forget the guy, i am willing to wait...however, she denied tat the guy is still in her mind.... Link to comment
fulltime Posted September 13, 2005 Author Share Posted September 13, 2005 well, things btwn us have developed...we had sex regualrly for the past week.... and at 1 stage, i even had the feeling tat she accepted me as her bf. However, i m very wrong. She says that although we like each other, that does not mean tat we shld be together. She has insisted tat she needs to be cruel by avoiding me, as she does not wan to hurt me any further. Her point is its very unfair to me, as in she cant offer me any form of security. However, she couldnt resist the temptation n she saw me, we behaved so closely again... I just dun understand her... So far, all the stuff she brought up abt relationship has been told to me over MSN, she has never mentioned anything abt our relationship, when she sees me... Can anyone help me pls? Tell me what is going on in her mind? I am realli lost.... This is affecting my mood n my work.. She is such a wonderful gal n i do not wan to let this opporrtunity slip.... Link to comment
some-guy Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I read a book called "He's scared She's scared" . It explains how people act out their commitment fears. Link to comment
fulltime Posted September 13, 2005 Author Share Posted September 13, 2005 I read a book called "He's scared She's scared" . It explains how people act out their commitment fears. can u roughly tell me wat the book says? Link to comment
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