Stoopid drunk dials again! Do i hate him?

[reflectionlessmirror]

I am getting feelings of hate for my ex. Most of you know my story...he is still calling me when he is bored or lonely/wants to get some and i am SICK OF IT. I feel like i cant move on with him calling me. Well anyways i was out last night having FUN with a guy friend from my past. We went with some of his friends on a moonlit boat ride on there private lake. It was a beautiful night and very good company. Well darn it if i dint get back to my guy friends car, look at my phoen and here was a message at 1:13 am from my stoopid drunk ex. I HATE IT! It makes me feel like i am a piece of trash at his disposal to call whenever he is drunk. I was wanting him back and now within the last week he has began to make my skin crawl. I feel like i really hate him for treating me like trash. I am not a hateful person i have no clue where this is coming from. Someone i loved! The only reason i wanted to call him back was to brag; "I am in waterford on a private lake with awesome people and you are still in that one stoplight town drinking with the town drunks!" This hate feels intense, and it came on soooooo quick. What is it? i am affraid he will call me here at work today, (no caller id) and i am going to vomit if i hear him say "Hey!" like he always does. Should i tell him that i feel this way? I have been really hoenest with him and I need to tell him that the hate is probalby coming from him treating me like a dorrmat.

[guapa]

Hey Reflectionlessmirror,

 

Hate is only going to let him have even more control over you... You already know about my story and I don't hate my ex, but I just see how sad their own situation is and how filled with pain their own situation is. They are unable to be in touch with those feelings of hurt like you and I are, so they can not heal, just keep calling and trying to control us and hoping to get a foot in the door to do some more damage. Well... they probably don't see it that way.

 

I am thinking of writing my ex a letter, but take a week or so to do it, carefully worded, thought out and constructed to really tell him the kind of messed up things he's done. Even if it takes me longer, that's fine too. He may not listen to me, but then I get it all out of my system and then the ball is really in his court to work on himself and reflect. He may not right away, but as time goes on and I do not talk to him he will start to wonder why and what went wrong and he will have that letter to reflect on. You may want to think about doing something similar Reflectionlessmirror, or even just writing the letter and not sending it, just burning it. Get out those feelings of hurt and anger and you will heal....

Much love and peace to you!

[reflectionlessmirror]

I do write the letter to him in my journal. IT is so strange, one day i will love him and miss him and other days i dont care. This really is the first time i have felt hate for him though! I will get over it maybe. Everytime i ignore him he tries the nice guy routine. he is an alcoholic. Not as intentionally mean as your ex was to you, but his problem is that when he is drinking he would forget about me. More neglectful than abusive, so maybe i will neglect him now! hahaha. You are right about the hate though, it is only going to hurt me. I AM really bothered by it because i am NEVER a hateful person. If anything i am usually too forgiving. I dotn watn to hate anyone. I hope it will go away. I f he calls here today and i answer the phone i will tell him how i feel though ,i have nothing to loose really, cause i sure dont want him back!

[guapa]

Yes, sometimes really saying how you really feel helps the anger go away. I think that is why I felt better, cause I really told him exactly how I felt, practically shouted it and I really feel quite proud of myself for standing up for myself and it just makes me feel so good.

 

So stand Up for yourself girl and the hate will melt away and transform to a feeling of self-respect!!!

[reflectionlessmirror]

I dont really even want to yel at him. I will tell you exactly what i want to say to him...Maybe that will help:

" i feel ike i hate you anymore becasue you treat me like a doormat. I get more respect from total strangers. I understand that it is more fun for you to ahng out with drunks liek yourself instead of me but you cannot call me anymore in the middle of the night when they pass out and you are bored and start wondering who i am with/what i am doing. It is disrespectful and it is beginning to make me dislike you verymuch"

Very well said. Now if he calls here i will be ready! I am hoping that since he drank all night he will sleep till i get out of work cause then he willcall my cell and i can ignore that!

[guapa]

let me know how it goes!!!

[Mun]

Try telling him you don't have time to talk -when you're at work and change your cell phone number. Limit his access to you and you will get back your peace of mind.

 

When you really don't want someone to keep bothering you, you take the necessary steps to make that happen.

[lifeiscash]

The sad part is, even if you did that... most times the person doesn't even care. In other words, you basically want to get your message accross by telling him how he has been acting but how do you think he will handle it. Is he going to brush you off just like he has always done when he started to drink? You say it doesn't matter because you don't want him back but you don't want to be angry with him like you are feeling. That tells me you still care what he thinks about you, which is fine but just be prepared if he brushes your argument off like it is nothing.

 

It hurts so much when you have someone you care so much about and they treat you in a way that you are not even appreciative.

 

They are unable to be in touch with those feelings of hurt like you and I are, so they can not heal, just keep calling and trying to control us and hoping to get a foot in the door to do some more damage.

 

This is so true, just like my x g/f. Why is it that these people do not heal? Is it a choice? Are they still stuck in denial, or do they not even reach these stages? Is it their personality, did they change so it is now their personality, I would like some more information about this because I have been involved in a similar situation. I think about it, and now I wonder how many guys she actually does that too.. always going back to people's lives to cause more hurt and pain..

[reflectionlessmirror]

i dont know if i care what he thinks or if i just dont like hating him. I dont watn to hate him, he is the only person I have ever loved. I am going to try to put the feelings of hate on his BEHAVIOR not HIM. He is a good person, but alcohol turns him irresponsible and aloof. I really dont knwo where i want to go with this relationship. Like a big trophy that looks strange anywhere you put it, I earned this but dotn know what to do with it. This realtionship is liek something i cant get rid of. But it is tacky. I really think that he must be lying when he says he still loves me. I really dont care if he does or not , i just dont like him lying saying that he does. I never loved him , I loved an idea of him. Something he protrayed as him. In truth he is a lazy drunk. Stupid me thought he was a nice guy!?

[lifeiscash]

"A person's behavior determines who the person is".

 

So if he chooses to be a lazy drunk, and acts on it.. then he is one. That's just who he is, because he acts on his behaviors. I would put blame on him because he ACTS on his behaviors.

[reflectionlessmirror]

Good point. I think i am trying to find reasons to make myself stop feeling this strong hate. As i said before, I am not a hateful person. You are right though, there is no excuse for his behavior. I jsut never imagined i would feel this way about him. I really think if i hear his ringtone go off on my phone i will vomit. I get discusted feelings when i think about him now. I used to, as little as a week ago, still have loveing feelings for him. This has to be some defense mechanism coming from my subconsious to protect me or something, cause i really am repulsed by the mere thought of him. It really is weird though how fast this discust for him came about.

[lifeiscash]

I see your situation and you seem to be right about your subconscious as a defense mechanism. It's easy to WANT to see someone a different way from what they REALLY are. It's like a part of our mind is let to believe something different then what is really real. A had an x g/f (and I always use her as an example to relate), but I believe I was infatuated with her. Yes I cared for her and wanted the best, but honestly she was selfish and wouldn't sacrfice. I THOUGHT I was in love, but love is a commitment ~ love is a sacrifice. In other words, I let my mind believe something that wasn't REAL.

 

I see you are really angry with this guy, and you don't want to be. I also realize you are not a hateful person, and thats awesome! IT's okay to be angry, as long as you know for what reason, and to be someone's "doormat" and to feel "unappreciative" is certainly good reasons. In time you will let go of those feelings, but it seems to me that you would be better off without this guy, from the way you are talking. IF you truly don't want to be with him, then you have to take the necessary actions to do so, with your own behaviors and you can use that anger in a more positive way by directing your life in a new direction without this guy. This is, of course, your choice and option.

[smallworld]

I think i am trying to find reasons to make myself stop feeling this strong hate.

 

Reflectionlessmirror, I've never had to deal with your situation, but I did have a bulimic friend once who really tore my heart up with her self-destructive behavior. This article helped me immensely.

link removed

[reflectionlessmirror]

The weird thing is that we arent even officially together. On may 19th we decided that if i am always going to nag him about his drinking problem then we should apply soem "Space". The funny thing is, I decided that day that i would pretend it was officially over then, cause i didnt see us going anywhere anyhow. I put all his gifts/notes/pictures in a rubbermaid storage tote and NEVER since that dayhave i called him. HE CALLS ME! I sometimes suspect that he doesnt even really want me, he jsut doesnt want to see me with other guys. Very strange. Really. I watched the pistons lose with a guy friend the other night and he seemed hurt that i was hanging out with another guy (I have no interest in this guy and he knows it but still pouted!) He never offers to take me out so why wouldnt i see otehr people?

[reflectionlessmirror]

Thank you smallworld...I like the popcorn article.

[Mun]

Like I said, the best way for him to "get the message" is by changing your cell number and not giving him anymore of your time. It's really up to you if you want to continue to have exchanges with him.

[Hope75]

Agreed with Muneca.

 

Change your cell phone number.

 

Personally it seems to me that you enjoy being the martyr and getting this phone calls and messages because you then feel like he still does care, and even though he is toxic to you and you should be letting him go and moving on, you won't do that, and by allowing him to call and harass you, you give up your own control of the situation and get to say, "Oh, poor me...he keeps calling...."

 

It's very simple to change your cell phone number so he does not have it. Another thing you can do if he harasses you at work is bring a small but very LOUD whistle and blow it full force into his ear when he bothers you at work.

 

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and like the victim here and take charge and make this stop. You can do this, if you really wanted him to stop bothering you.

 

It's your choice.

[reflectionlessmirror]

I want calls from the him that i thought he was. It took me two years to find out that he is a jerk, and now i feel like i am in love with something that my mind made up. This is really weird. I have the anger because i feel cheated, like someone took my "Mr Right" away, but i need to realize i never he never was Mr Right. My mind concieved a stupid lie and i believed it!? Hmmmm. I guess i should just pretend the idea of who i thought he was died. Strange, but i should be able to deal with it that way. As for my phone, right now i am going to set his ringer to "No ringtone" so that when he calls it wont even ring. The number change isnt out of question though.

[Hope75]

So now that you know he isn't this prince charming and the relationship is over, you know what you have to do so that you can let him go and move on.

 

You can only live in the past for so long, when the present is right there, harassing you and behaving like a jerk.

 

He is who he is, and what you see is what you get.

 

Best of luck moving on.

[reflectionlessmirror]

yes, and maybe that is where this unexplainable hate that i posted about came from...I realized he is an A******!? Probably! "What i see is what i get?" well yeah, i hate dumb, lazy unmotivated people.

[Hope75]

You know it takes alot of energy to hate someone, and it really poisons you. Why not let the hate go, let him go, and make your best revenge a happy, sucessful life without him?