i lied to him - he doesnt trust me AT ALL

[deviousj420]

ive lied to him before

 

I lied to him the other nyte when i told him i was goin to the movies with my friend n went out drinkin instead - i lied to him that nyte n told him i didnt drink - the next morning i told him the truth - that i did go out n drink but he said he allready knew - he said he allready knew the nyte b4 that i was lying to him

 

he says he will never trust me again - he says it will take years to make this up - but the trust is completely gone

 

i am willing to take the time even if it takes 4ever to prove that he can - not thru words but thru my actions

 

i lied to him because he never really trusted me anyways and never made me feel completely loved or wanted so then i would just get so mad cuz of all the effort i put forth that i would try n hurt him because i was getting hurt too

 

what else can i do? how can i fix this? i dont xpect it to be better in the next 3 days but how can i try to mend this and conceal the hurt n work us past this? i kno he is willing but hes also fighting it at the same time

he says he wont let himself love me but i kno it is jsut going to take time

 

what can i do?

[smallworld]

Out of your entire post, this is what bothered me the most:

 

i lied to him because he never really trusted me anyways and never made me feel completely loved or wanted so then i would just get so mad cuz of all the effort i put forth that i would try n hurt him because i was getting hurt too

If you love someone, honesty isn't optional. It's the fertile soil upon which you grow a relationship. If he never trusted you, then perhaps you shouldn't be in a relationship with him as his continued lack of trust is only going to make you want to keep retaliating (lying).

If you sincerely want to change, here's an earlier discussion where I explain how to know if someone can be trusted. Good luck!

link removed

[Cecelius]

i lied to him because he never really trusted me anyways...

 

you've confirmed that he was right not to trust you

 

and never made me feel completely loved or wanted so then i would just get so mad cuz of all the effort i put forth that i would try n hurt him because i was getting hurt too

 

Also, as an FYI, this is what men are talking about when they say "high maintenance".

[deviousj420]

thank you so much for your replies - its so confusing i really love this guy but he doesnt trust me cuz we were friends b4 n he knew my past b ut i never loved anyone except like 7 yrs ago n this is love again... bu im getting hurt n i want him to hurt because i hurt but i would give anything to make our relationship work - i lied about goin out drinkin cuz he doesnt wanta girl who drinks n i dont drink like i sed to but every few months isnt bad is it? i duno, i just want to be the girl he wants because i respect him so much.. i love him

[smallworld]

Love isn't just feelings. It's actions. If you really respect him and want to make your relationship work, it's time to get honest - not just about what you've been lying about, but WHY. Tell him what you've told us. Your problem might be more easily resolved than you think. Lying is only going to kill off what remaining affection you feel for each other.

 

I don't drink, but I know it's perfectly normal for others to want to. If he judges you for doing so, then again maybe you shouldn't be with this guy.

[punchy504]

i lied to him because

 

 

...I didn't want to deal with the consequences of telling him I was going to do something he may or may not have approved of and end up missing out on my good time because I would have been too busy argueing with him or fretting over making him mad.

 

 

 

When people become responsible adults they don't have these types of issues.

[Mr Meh]

I agree. This is a common thing among couples:

He\she kept accusing me of cheating so I did.

He\she doesn't trust me anyway, so I lied.

It's a cop out to dealing with the core issues going wrong in the relationship. First off, if you are altering your desires and lifestyle to accommodate his ideal of what a woman should be like, you are hurting yourself and allowing him to control you. That is not love. If he doesn't like you for who you are (assuming you are being honest and respectful) then you guys shouldn't be together. You seem to be saying that you will do whatever he wants just to keep him. In the long term this will not work.

Second of all, his trust can only be gained back by your being honest from now on. That doesn't mean only doing what he wants you to do, but being honest about what you are doing. If that is going out for drinks with friends, then tell him. At least then the issue will be his, and it may turn into a fight, but that goes back to my first point.

I remember distinctly an incident when I was 19 or so. My girlfriend said she was going out for coffee, but went to the bar instead. I went out driving around looking for her, and when I pulled up in front of one bar, suddenly she just came out and got in the car and we went home. I would imagine I ranted and raved about her lie, but who really has the issue here? Looking back I realize she felt she had no alternative but to lie, but little wonder if a lie is the only key to the cage! I'm not condoning the fact that you lied, but if it seems to be the only way, maybe you shouldn't be with this guy.

[RooferGirl23]

i lied to my current guy about borrowing a ton of money from my ex.. like $2,000!! he found out and was very upset with me, and while he was angry he told me he will never trust me again.

a few months went by and we finally talked about it... that helped. now a year has gone by and we dont even discuss the issue.

your guy is mad at you now but he will calm down. tell him WHY you lied.. that helped for me. were still together and have gotten over the lieing incident.

[Spirits Away]

I get the sense that you have made him not trust you in the beginning, even before the drinking event took place. Guys don't have superior senses only if they chose not to care. But when guys genuinely cares about another person, they'll sense a LOT of things. Including the angles your head moves when you seem to not want to leak out information; or even unconsciously noticing the volume of your voice differ.

 

Like the first respondant said, you must work on yourself first before making any changes outside of you. It is very important to build "trust" in ANY type of relationship, starting from handling a toddler all the way to adult, you absoluately NEED to build trust.

 

Careful what his next step would hold. It may very well be over if he have the ability to take himself out of the picture and think.