I can't learn self-love because of my fear of hurting others.

[TA_OAO]

I can't learn self-love because of my fear of hurting others

Hello all, I'm a young on the journey of learning self-love.

Recently, I 20m have gone through one of the worst periods of my life. I was a university student who thought they made friends with someone in a group, only to find out that none of them liked being around me. I thought the person I was friends with was really special and I'm very upset that they didn't really like me at all. They think I'm "cool" but not compatible with them.

It felt like we were becoming close. I asked them if they wanted to hang out and they emphatically said yes via text, only for nothing to come about from it (they said it was more of a "passive yes", and they didn't really mean that it would actually happen because they don't really go to anyone's house to hangout...?)

he basically said, in a long paragraph, that he doesn't feel comfortable around me, that he has never himself and that he doesn't want to hang out with me outside of class. This is fair enough, sure the rejection hurts but I don't know how he expected me to go to class every day and talk to him, knowing that he doesn't like being around me. It's like he wanted me to be all normal and happy despite knowing that he's not even himself around me. It hurts so much because I knew the friendship was over and we were already a year into the course, so most of the classes' friendship groups were pretty much set. So I spent that summer feeling extremely depressed.

I later found out they spent the entire summer hanging out with the rest of the group without me and I felt so low and worthless.

When we did return after the summer break, I tried my best to do the whole "friends but not friends" thing but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in a group where the majority of them didn't like me, and the one person I did like only pitied me.

He even said "I don't mind talking to you... But again I don't think we're compatible... I just don't want you to be alone" which in retrospect is just him saying he feels guilty, not that he wants to spend time with me. The embarrassment of being labelled as "someone I don't really like but talk to out of obligation" compared to the rest of the group who are his actual friends hurt so much.

So, I ended up leaving university, because I was close to ending it all. When I messaged them that I had left because I felt like the situation was too much, they never responded.

I know I've written a lot about how terrible the situation was from my perspective (which is incredibly skewed), but it only hurt because this person was great. I've never met anyone like them, someone who knows themselves and has enough self-esteem and self-actualization to reject someone. Someone who has deep knowledge of his emotions and expresses it. The type of person who can and has cultivated a life of happiness (grades, girlfriend, friends who love him). It hurts to know I'm clearly not a source of happiness for him (as he said).

But that's where my fear lies.

I know I need to live a life of self-love rather than fear and living to be liked by others, but every time I try I feel like *him*. I don't want to hurt someone like I was hurt, just because I love myself. I don't want to reject someone like I was rejected, even if it was the best thing to do. It's a block I can't shake.

And yes, I have a therapist and I'm on antidepressants.

TL;DR : I don't want to hurt someone like I was hurt, just because I love myself.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, TA_OAO said:

 , I have a therapist and I'm on antidepressants.

Sorry you dropped out of school. Do you live with family? It's good you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Please understand that people may feel suffocated when you rely too much on one person as your friend.  Please consider re-enrolling in university. 

 

[AGrPerson]

1 hour ago, TA_OAO said:

I can't learn self-love because of my fear of hurting others

Hello all, I'm a young on the journey of learning self-love.

Recently, I 20m have gone through one of the worst periods of my life. I was a university student who thought they made friends with someone in a group, only to find out that none of them liked being around me. I thought the person I was friends with was really special and I'm very upset that they didn't really like me at all. They think I'm "cool" but not compatible with them.

It felt like we were becoming close. I asked them if they wanted to hang out and they emphatically said yes via text, only for nothing to come about from it (they said it was more of a "passive yes", and they didn't really mean that it would actually happen because they don't really go to anyone's house to hangout...?)

he basically said, in a long paragraph, that he doesn't feel comfortable around me, that he has never himself and that he doesn't want to hang out with me outside of class. This is fair enough, sure the rejection hurts but I don't know how he expected me to go to class every day and talk to him, knowing that he doesn't like being around me. It's like he wanted me to be all normal and happy despite knowing that he's not even himself around me. It hurts so much because I knew the friendship was over and we were already a year into the course, so most of the classes' friendship groups were pretty much set. So I spent that summer feeling extremely depressed.

I later found out they spent the entire summer hanging out with the rest of the group without me and I felt so low and worthless.

When we did return after the summer break, I tried my best to do the whole "friends but not friends" thing but I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in a group where the majority of them didn't like me, and the one person I did like only pitied me.

He even said "I don't mind talking to you... But again I don't think we're compatible... I just don't want you to be alone" which in retrospect is just him saying he feels guilty, not that he wants to spend time with me. The embarrassment of being labelled as "someone I don't really like but talk to out of obligation" compared to the rest of the group who are his actual friends hurt so much.

So, I ended up leaving university, because I was close to ending it all. When I messaged them that I had left because I felt like the situation was too much, they never responded.

I know I've written a lot about how terrible the situation was from my perspective (which is incredibly skewed), but it only hurt because this person was great. I've never met anyone like them, someone who knows themselves and has enough self-esteem and self-actualization to reject someone. Someone who has deep knowledge of his emotions and expresses it. The type of person who can and has cultivated a life of happiness (grades, girlfriend, friends who love him). It hurts to know I'm clearly not a source of happiness for him (as he said).

But that's where my fear lies.

I know I need to live a life of self-love rather than fear and living to be liked by others, but every time I try I feel like *him*. I don't want to hurt someone like I was hurt, just because I love myself. I don't want to reject someone like I was rejected, even if it was the best thing to do. It's a block I can't shake.

And yes, I have a therapist and I'm on antidepressants.

TL;DR : I don't want to hurt someone like I was hurt, just because I love myself.

I have read your story and I have to say that your "friend" doesn't seem like a person worthy to hang out with. I have too been in groups of friends during my university life and I can assure you that the people who wanted to ostracize other people from the group ended up being the worst people I know in terms of their character and personality.

You are really young, you will have the opportunity to make plenty of friends. Have you tried making new friends at your university? I know that a lot of people may already have their groups of friends, but the trick here is to focus on people individually and try to make friends with each one of them. Just be polite, open to having conversations and be the one to suggest going out.

You don't want to spend any more time around a person who doesn't see the value in you. Instead you should invest that time into forging new relationships.

 

[TA_OAO]

52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry you dropped out of school. Do you live with family? It's good you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. Please understand that people may feel suffocated when you rely too much on one person as your friend.  Please consider re-enrolling in university. 

 

You're absolutely right ! I try to keep my personal life/struggles to myself but when they said I could trust them to talk I believed them... I don't want to emotionally rely on anyone beyond myself again because I risk getting very hurt. I am planning to re-enroll on a different course in September, so I have 7 months of time to heal and grow as a person I guess.

[TA_OAO]

28 minutes ago, AGrPerson said:

I have read your story and I have to say that your "friend" doesn't seem like a person worthy to hang out with. I have too been in groups of friends during my university life and I can assure you that the people who wanted to ostracize other people from the group ended up being the worst people I know in terms of their character and personality.

You are really young, you will have the opportunity to make plenty of friends. Have you tried making new friends at your university? I know that a lot of people may already have their groups of friends, but the trick here is to focus on people individually and try to make friends with each one of them. Just be polite, open to having conversations and be the one to suggest going out.

You don't want to spend any more time around a person who doesn't see the value in you. Instead you should invest that time into forging new relationships.

 

Everyone I seem to explain this situation to (including three different therapists) seem to HATE this friend. I just feel like i'm explaining only the negative parts... but maybe they're right and that I do deserve better? I think I just made a normal person exhausted and anxious with my presence...

[AGrPerson]

12 hours ago, TA_OAO said:

Everyone I seem to explain this situation to (including three different therapists) seem to HATE this friend. I just feel like i'm explaining only the negative parts... but maybe they're right and that I do deserve better? I think I just made a normal person exhausted and anxious with my presence...

Well, I'm sure he has positive parts too, but how he treats you is what matters. Do you feel happy when in his presence? Does he value you? Does he treat you as an equal? That's what matters. A good technique is to get a notebook and write down all his positive and negative qualities and all the positive and negative interactions with him. This will make you understand if he is worthy or not.

[TA_OAO]

14 hours ago, AGrPerson said:

Well, I'm sure he has positive parts too, but how he treats you is what matters. Do you feel happy when in his presence? Does he value you? Does he treat you as an equal? That's what matters. A good technique is to get a notebook and write down all his positive and negative qualities and all the positive and negative interactions with him. This will make you understand if he is worthy or not.

It's been months of going back and fourth like this in my head and in paper... My therapists seem to think he's awful, but i think he's great... he just doesn't like me. Which makes me feel ashamed and low, like if I were to just act "normal" then he would treat me like he used to and treats others (very kindly and nurturing).