How should one handle the other's sexuality outside of the relationship?

[Batya33]

Also it's very concerning that you are motivated to look more visually pleasing because he has found porn stars attractive.  If you are even considering going down that path, or acting on it -get help.  It's normal to want to look attractive for yourself and also for your partner -dressing up for a date, putting on some makeup if you look pale even if you'll be home all day with your partner, etc.  but if you feel that to keep him with you/happy/satisfied you have to compete with porn stars - ok there's a huge red flag.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think you need to get clear with yourself about what's actually happening in your relationship versus what you're imagining is happening (or might happen) based on FEAR, insecurity and anxiety.  Along with  your biased feelings about watching porn and mastutbating in general.

OP, what are your thoughts about what's quoted above? 

[hannarivers]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also it's very concerning that you are motivated to look more visually pleasing because he has found porn stars attractive.  If you are even considering going down that path, or acting on it -get help.  It's normal to want to look attractive for yourself and also for your partner -dressing up for a date, putting on some makeup if you look pale even if you'll be home all day with your partner, etc.  but if you feel that to keep him with you/happy/satisfied you have to compete with porn stars - ok there's a huge red flag.

I do it because I love the reaction I get. 

 

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, what are your thoughts about what's quoted above? 

I do agree and I answered the questions to clear it up a bit. You see, as I said, I dont know if his disfunction was because we were not yet good in sex, or because of porn, or both. And I will never find that out, because now we are good at it, and he wont ever consume the same amount of porn while being in a relationship with me (he probably will in the future, but if this much again, I certainly would not stay. I also have to add that he reassured me that we wont ever go back, because now he sees things differently and masturbation is only for when it is sure he cant have sex instead - his choice) 

[Jaunty]

Most of your bf's sexual issues were probably due to all of his sexual experience being with masturbation to porn.   

Now he has experience with having a sexual relationship with a live person - you.

It seems to be working for him.  Your control is not the reason why, and that will prove to be destructive.  It must be already.  As you've heard dozens of times in your various threads already.  No relationship will sustain that kind of policing.   That's the last I will say about it. 

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Most of your bf's sexual issues were probably due to all of his sexual experience being with masturbation to porn.   

Now he has experience with having a sexual relationship with a live person - you.

Makes sense, thank you 

[Batya33]

You said you wanted to make sure you had the appropriate amount of visual appeal given his penchant for porn stars. So of course you feel flattered but you’re motivated by fear and insecurity. Won’t you be panicked if you are under the weather and look like crap for a week or you get pregnant and gain weight all over??

[rainbowsandroses]

On 9/21/2023 at 8:37 AM, hannarivers said:

We only have good sexlife since I found out about his lying. He stopped porn, and we took the time to learn new things. He desires me waaay more since then. So of course I am scared that those women will take my place again:) 

Hanna, my ex-husband was addicted to porn many years before he met me.  It was extremely self-destructive, it negatively impacted how he viewed relationships and women in general.  

He made a decision and went cold turkey and stopped.  In time, his mindset completely changed and he began viewing relationships and women much more realistically and after a period of time, was able to enjoy porn for the sheer fantasy of it, a diversion from the hum drum of daily life. 

We even watched together on occasion and it actually enhanced our already robust sex life! :)

Please understand why some men view porn on occasion (NOT obsessively or addictively).  At least my understanding of it based on men I've talked to, my boyfriends and ex-hub, my brothers and articles I've read. 

They DON'T want these women as girlfriends, they DON'T want to have a relationship with them.  And they certainly would NOT want you looking like them or emulating them.  

For one thing, it's completely FAKE.  Women who star in such films don't really look like that, it's all smoke and mirrors along with the sex they're performing, the operative word being "performing."

And any man or person with two brain cells to rub together knows that.

So for you to be feeling as insecure as you do, thinking he's comparing you to them or that he wishes you looked like them or had sex like they do or whatever else you're feeling insecure about or threatened by is not warranted by anything realistic. 

Again, it's a FANTASY! A diversion from the hum drum.   NOT you it has nothing to do with you.

This is assuming it's not an addiction and watching a video once every two weeks is hardly an addiction from my perspective.

I suggested this earlier by why do you even have to know about it?  Have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and focus on the two of you and your connection, your relationship with each other! 

Forget about whatever diversion or fantasy he chooses to entertain every few weeks, it's normal perhaps even healthy on some level. 

It serves to keep things with you alive and HOT versus him feeling suffocated, stifled and boxed-in by all your rigid rules about what YOU personally find acceptable and what you don't. 

Something to consider otherwise you WILL eventually lose him.

Bottom line -- LET GO.

 

 

 

[hannarivers]

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hanna, my ex-husband was addicted to porn many years before he met me.  It was extremely self-destructive, it negatively impacted how he viewed relationships and women in general.  

He made a decision and went cold turkey and stopped.  In time, his mindset completely changed and he began viewing relationships and women much more realistically and after a period of time, was able to enjoy porn for the sheer fantasy of it, a diversion from the hum drum of daily life. 

We even watched together on occasion and it actually enhanced our already robust sex life! :)

Please understand why some men view porn on occasion (NOT obsessively or addictively).  At least my understanding of it based on men I've talked to, my boyfriends and ex-hub, my brothers and articles I've read. 

They DON'T want these women as girlfriends, they DON'T want to have a relationship with them.  And they certainly would NOT want you looking like them or emulating them.  

For one thing, it's completely FAKE.  Women who star in such films don't really look like that, it's all smoke and mirrors along with the sex they're performing, the operative word being "performing."

And any man or person with two brain cells to rub together knows that.

So for you to be feeling as insecure as you do, thinking he's comparing you to them or that he wishes you looked like them or had sex like they do or whatever else you're feeling insecure about or threatened by is not warranted by anything realistic. 

Again, it's a FANTASY! A diversion from the hum drum.   NOT you it has nothing to do with you.

This is assuming it's not an addiction and watching a video once every two weeks is hardly an addiction from my perspective.

I suggested this earlier by why do you even have to know about it?  Have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and focus on the two of you and your connection, your relationship with each other! 

Forget about whatever diversion or fantasy he chooses to entertain every few weeks, it's normal perhaps even healthy on some level. 

It serves to keep things with you alive and HOT versus him feeling suffocated, stifled and boxed-in by all your rigid rules about what YOU personally find acceptable and what you don't. 

Something to consider otherwise you WILL eventually lose him.

Bottom line -- LET GO.

 

 

 

This is good, thank you!! 

I would like to add a bit of information I came to learn about what I exactly fear. I was watching my favorite series and the main couple had a sensual sexual scene. They are not attractive people, at least not for me. The situation gave me the thoughts that I am waiting for my boyfriend to get home. At that moment I realized, my problem was not porn in general, or that he masturbates to some content. It is that he doesnt always get turned on by the act itself, but the women. This is why he watched the same person before me day and night, watched her a bit while having me, why he got turned on by a music mix video with a modell in it. I feel like it is the women, not simply sexual things. He told me before that it is the sex scene that is a turnon, how he sees angles he cant see while having sex, and it might be true to an extent, since I saw some actresses that are definitely not attractive for him. So I can correct my opinion on what I feel : I fear that if it is the women, he can get turned on by any half naked hot woman (I dont have a sister but I would feel bad if he had a boner because I showed him a family beach video), and he will always choose porn for looks, like it is not enough that he has a pretty gf. I know Im exeggarating (uh, this is probably not how you say it, correct me if Im wrong), but I hardly got over the fact that he watched the same actress for 15 or more times, defo for looks, because she looks exactly like me when we became a couple and he approached me because he was so into my shape. 

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You said you wanted to make sure you had the appropriate amount of visual appeal given his penchant for porn stars. So

Not for that. For imrpovement. Would be hard to not do it, because he wants to look at me. One time I said that he needs to watch me because he is so used to porn, but someone here corrected me that people who dont watch porn still need to watch their partner because they are visual and many people doesnt even like to do it in the dark. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, hannarivers said:

This is good, thank you!! 

I would like to add a bit of information I came to learn about what I exactly fear. I was watching my favorite series and the main couple had a sensual sexual scene. They are not attractive people, at least not for me. The situation gave me the thoughts that I am waiting for my boyfriend to get home. At that moment I realized, my problem was not porn in general, or that he masturbates to some content. It is that he doesnt always get turned on by the act itself, but the women. This is why he watched the same person before me day and night, watched her a bit while having me, why he got turned on by a music mix video with a modell in it. I feel like it is the women, not simply sexual things. He told me before that it is the sex scene that is a turnon, how he sees angles he cant see while having sex, and it might be true to an extent, since I saw some actresses that are definitely not attractive for him. So I can correct my opinion on what I feel : I fear that if it is the women, he can get turned on by any half naked hot woman (I dont have a sister but I would feel bad if he had a boner because I showed him a family beach video), and he will always choose porn for looks, like it is not enough that he has a pretty gf. I know Im exeggarating (uh, this is probably not how you say it, correct me if Im wrong), but I hardly got over the fact that he watched the same actress for 15 or more times, defo for looks, because she looks exactly like me when we became a couple and he approached me because he was so into my shape. 

Not for that. For imrpovement. Would be hard to not do it, because he wants to look at me. One time I said that he needs to watch me because he is so used to porn, but someone here corrected me that people who dont watch porn still need to watch their partner because they are visual and many people doesnt even like to do it in the dark. 

LOL at the word salad -all people are visual if they can see -even blind people I bet have visual images depending on their particular blindness situation.  Some men and some women are more into what a person looks like for purposes of romantic relationships than others -all romantic relationships not just hetero.  For some it's the trophy arm candy reason for others it's about attraction or having a certain type. 

Some people who are focused on their partner's features to a more significant extent like to have sex in the dark because when having intercourse they just like it that way and perhaps prefer to imagine their partner and like the romanticisim of the dark.  

The very best sex I've ever had is when I've been engaged or married -for me it's all about the emotional and sexual experience which is greatly enhanced because I know the love and commitment is there.  I am a very visual person.  I am not a person heavily focused on someone's physical features.  Both are true.

If your boyfriend enjoys viewing nude/scantily clad women he doesn't know and will never know then it sounds like he is a person who gets pleasure out of watching women who look a certain way.  It doesn't mean he is visual in general - is he a person who appreciates works of art and can tell you specifically why? Is he a person who notices the set design or theatrical lighting in a live peformance? Get back to basics.  

I don't think most men and women who get off on porn and are married would prefer to be with the naked person or wants their partner to look more like the naked person.  With exceptions.  For example if the partner is very overweight and doesn't take care of him or herself and is not making any effort then watching someone who is fit and healthy looking and sparkly looking might make the partner wish their partner would put in more effort. Not to look like the porn star just to show them they care about their health, fitness and looks.

[hannarivers]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

LOL at the word salad -all people are visual if they can see -even blind people I bet have visual images depending on their particular blindness situation.  Some men and some women are more into what a person looks like for purposes of romantic relationships than others -all romantic relationships not just hetero.  For some it's the trophy arm candy reason for others it's about attraction or having a certain type. 

Some people who are focused on their partner's features to a more significant extent like to have sex in the dark because when having intercourse they just like it that way and perhaps prefer to imagine their partner and like the romanticisim of the dark.  

The very best sex I've ever had is when I've been engaged or married -for me it's all about the emotional and sexual experience which is greatly enhanced because I know the love and commitment is there.  I am a very visual person.  I am not a person heavily focused on someone's physical features.  Both are true.

If your boyfriend enjoys viewing nude/scantily clad women he doesn't know and will never know then it sounds like he is a person who gets pleasure out of watching women who look a certain way.  It doesn't mean he is visual in general - is he a person who appreciates works of art and can tell you specifically why? Is he a person who notices the set design or theatrical lighting in a live peformance? Get back to basics.  

I don't think most men and women who get off on porn and are married would prefer to be with the naked person or wants their partner to look more like the naked person.  With exceptions.  For example if the partner is very overweight and doesn't take care of him or herself and is not making any effort then watching someone who is fit and healthy looking and sparkly looking might make the partner wish their partner would put in more effort. Not to look like the porn star just to show them they care about their health, fitness and looks.

I read it twice and still dont understand, sorry. I dont know if I am tired or just my english is not englishing. Do you say that he watches me because people like to watch, or because he watched porn before? I also watched porn and I dont care about looking. But I guess breasts and womens cheeks are nice to look at. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, hannarivers said:

I read it twice and still dont understand, sorry. I dont know if I am tired or just my english is not englishing. Do you say that he watches me because people like to watch, or because he watched porn before? I also watched porn and I dont care about looking. But I guess breasts and womens cheeks are nice to look at. 

He watches you because he enjoys it.  Not because he is "visual" or watches porn.  He watches other women's private parts because it brings him pleasure.  Not because he is visual or a man. Not because private parts are nice to look at.  To him they are in the sense that they give him sexual pleasure in certain situations.

I think you like him watching you mostly because you tell yourself it means you haven't lost your "position" in his life as you put it. 

[hannarivers]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He watches you because he enjoys it.  Not because he is "visual" or watches porn.  He watches other women's private parts because it brings him pleasure.  Not because he is visual or a man.

Oh, so basicly more simple than I thought. 

On the other women stuff, he doesnt at the moment, but in the future I might even be okay with it. Anyway, now I get it, thanks! 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, hannarivers said:

Oh, so basicly more simple than I thought. 

On the other women stuff, he doesnt at the moment, but in the future I might even be okay with it. Anyway, now I get it, thanks! 

People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If someone is with a partner who gets pleasure out of something offensive to or not OK with the other person then the alternatives are acceptance/walking away or the one who does that thing choosing on his or her own not to do it anymore. With rare exception trying to restrict or control the person who wants to continue doing that thing doesn't work at all.