IM SORRY I CANT BE PERFECT!!..Im fading into my shadow

[petalbud]

IM not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, sexy,. i dnt turn heads, guys don't look at me twice, I dont get good enough grades,. My artwork is never "up to stanadard",. I "never do anything right",. I useless,. Lazy, Fat, Sppotty, Chunky,. I dont make guys laugh, IM not charming,. My clothes arnt sexy enough,I dont have a sexy body,. My accent isn't "proper"..

YOU KNOW WHAT?? IM SICK OF IT! SICK TO MY VERY CORE!, . i HATE IT! I HATE THE WORLD, ALL THE STEREOTYPES,. THE HATRED, LIES,. PRETENCE, VIOLENCE, FAKES,.

.. i HATE FAKE PEOPLE, YET IM SURROUNDED BY THEM,. i HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE OKAY, WHEN IM NOT,.. NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ANYONE ELSES PROBLEMS, EVERYONE'S GOT THEIR OWN PROBLMES,. i JUST WANT TO GO,. FADE AWAY, BLANK OPUT FROM REALITY FOREVER!> i HATE THE WORLD.. i HATE THE REFLECTION OF THE WORLD IN ME. i HATE THE PREJUDICE, iGNORANCE,.....

I blend in better with the mute walls,. Im ignored,. no one ever says hi , or hello,.. Im not important,. Im not good looking enough to be recognised as a human being, Yes Ive got my faults,. Ive got an OCD,.. But then, Shouldnt i be supported rather than gossiped about?,.. i hate hate snikerring, and the weird looks,. and the questions.,.. the stares,.. *beep* off! l leave me alone,.. I just want to be somewhere i belong, Everyday is a struggle for survival, a battle to maintain my sanity...

Yes i tried to kill myself,.unfortunate that my three attempts havent workd. .. Im planning another attempt becasue i CANT take it anymore,. Ive got all this rage and hate and anger and sadness and depression and hurt./.. Red Hot sea of emotions that I cant conatain anymore.. I cant hold them in,.. Im bursting my seams.. I HATE REALITY, I NEED AN ESCAPE,.. I cant express myself to the world,.. I have to "keep my problmes to myself"... Im fading away, slowly, ...Im dead inside,.. Just waiting for the right time to manifest my death physically.... The Kitchen knife and 30 aspirins sound good...

[smushy]

whoa! slow down.... no matter what - suicide is not an answer.... i can feel how bad you're feeling, but did you ever ask yourself - what will i miss if i do this? because, believe me, you will miss all the good that is out there....

16 is a very hard time, but think of all the things you have waiting ahead of you....

i am going through a very hard personal time right now too, but somewhere deep deep down i know that things will get better, and i'm afraid to miss out on some wonderful - although unknown to me now - opportunity...

someone recently gave me a coin that says :

Lord, help me remember that there is nothing you and i can't get through together.

other people have reminded me that God never gives you more than you can handle.

now, i'm not really a religious person, but i guess i have a certain belief that there is something bigger than us "out there", and those quotes, although based on religious beliefs, simply remind me that there is something - whatever that may be - out there watching over me, even when i don't feel like there is....

take a deep breath, then another, and then another... you can get through this....

[Mr Meh]

First off there are people you can talk to who will listen to you, and you would really benefit from talking to one of them. Secondly, young people are cruel because they are trying to fit in. For some reason when we are at the age you are at, the world is divided into those who are "cool" and those who "are not". But it is all an elaborate game played by rules that are spelled out on TV and movies and music and advertising and has no basis in reality. Once you are out of school this kind of crap drops away to a great degree, and you can at least make choices about who you want to be around, not like in school where you are trapped with these cliques to deal with. The world is full of fakes and wannabes and pretense, but since you are smart enough to have realized that, you have a leg up on all the people who just go with the flow and lead hollow lives. It grieves me to see you thinking that suicide is your only alternative and I really hope you will think about talking to someone. Please bear in mind that teen years are some of the hardest you will have to face in terms of being treated poorly by others. Please be safe and find the good in yourself (it's there, you're just blinded by anger turned inward) and stay with us!!

[petalbud]

What I wrote above is just a fraction of what I feel inside,.. ive kept evrything so locked up im scared to look inside myself. If u read my other posts yu would kinda get an aoverall picture of what im going through........

[freedom]

hey Petalbud,

if you need to talk i am here. I dont really know what to say, i cant really give you any great advice. just that i am here to listen if you need to talk.

[freedom]

apollocreed, i would agree with you there..... but to have someone there to listen can be just as good. We dont have to understand everything, we here listen and talk and just to let you vent petalbud. Talk to us.

[petalbud]

thnx guys Youve been really supportive on here,.. yes my art is my only escape, Im a mix between pablo picasso's abstractism, George braques cubsim and modern expressionism..but then , i feel i dont do it well enough,.. My main problem is i think Im not good enough,.. in anything i do. I admit i have a very low perception of myself, But some of bad the things i say about myself ,.. i say them cuz i really believe myself to be that way, but it comes accross as me being atention seeking. Most times, im thinking and worring abut other ppl to pay myself any attention. Ive negelected myself for so long,.. Im afriad of start again. Ive tried to overcome this depression,.. read differnt books on stayin positive and stuff, but the effects are only short lived. Ive got an OCD, Trichotillomania, which ive been battling with for over 10 years,. It ruins my self esteem because it makes me feel like an alien. which makes it harder for me to feel comfortable around other ppl--. do write sometimes, i write about how i feel. Not actually poems but they're sort of poetic, but most of them are really dark and about suicide and stuff so i dont show them to anyone. I see myself as a frightened shadow,. weak,. insignificant,.insubstancial..inanimate,. perhaps this explains my domanant thoughts about death n suicuide n stuff.

[CrystalDawn]

Hello, I know I feel the same way all the time. I'm emotionally disturbed which means it's easy for my emotions to get out of my control pretty much. But I'm working with it, I've been dealing with it for years and made fun of over it. You are the way you are because that's what makes you, you. It's good that your writting that really does help. Talking can help also don't keep things so locked up. I'm here if you want to talk. Take care and I'm sure things will get better soon just hang in there.

[freedom]

Petalbud,

sorry to go off the topic but i am trying to learn more about art. Me being a I.T guy i just want to broaden my knowledge. Wonder if you are willing to take the time to teach me about art... cubsim and modern expression..

[petalbud]

IM feeling really really down today,.feel like ending it all. Ive had a really stressful week, Ive cut myself off from everyone> i knw ive hurt sum of the ppl who have tried to help me, but i just cant connect with anyone, I feel alone, Like im in a dark hole and I cant get out of it. I dont speak much to people any more. I just keep to myself, and talk in monosyllables. ( yes and no).. I dont know what to do,. I feel really lost. Im numb inside, im hurting so much im numb,. I need to feel alive, to escape this numbness,.....

I feel i cant handle ppl, I cant handle relationships, not even friendships. I dnt have many frineds,. Im on my own 9 times out of ten., even when im with ppl, Im cut off from them, Im distant. I just cant take of my mask and let myself go. Ive been hurt to many times, and i havnt healed. Im so down,. Im dead on the inside....

[CrystalDawn]

I felt like that not to long ago. I'm still withdrawn then again I've always been that way. It can be a bad thing sometimes but for the most part it's okay. We're always here this is the one place that I can promise that your not alone. Things will improve with time. For time heals wounds.

[kazman32]

I've been there,I'm bi-polar and the last few years I have struggled with severe depression.My father was the same and commited suicide when I was young.To say my life has been hell is an understatment,after losing my girlfriend of 7 years (and my best friend in the whole world)she could't take living with me anymore.I was miserable and not on my meds.After I found out she was seeing someone else.well that was it for me when day came I was going to go to a wooded area where I used to play as a child and hang myself,I was done no more pain no more heartbreak I just wanted it to be over I wasn't scared of death anymore,I welcomed it's dark silent embrace.But then I asked myself why had all this happened to me and I realized though I have this disorder I let it rule my life.It wasn't fair I had it but life isn't fair.I began to pray and I truly feel god touched my life.That was a few months ago I am now on a fraction of the meds I used to be on am in counsiling weekely and exercising and eating right again,my whole outllok has changed for the first time in I don't know how many years I am happy to be alive.My ex can't believe the changes in me,we spend time as friends and though I would like to get back with her,I know if it dosn't happen I will go on with my life and be happy.I know all of this dosn't really pertain to you,just trying to point out I have been as low as a person can go(I was an absolute mess!)but things have gotten better.suicide is a permanent solutin to a temporary problem,stay strong there are pepole who care here!I pray for you and hope that things will turn around soon for you,they will we just don't know when.Please take care of yourself!