Need feedback?

[johnagent1911]

I was writing this for a class and needed some feedback. I guess this would be the best place... =) Thanks.

 

--------

You can't explain it.

Heaven's air in my lungs every bit.

 

It's only faith in trust falling onto each other

The sun acts to the earth as the surrogate mother

 

Everything you see falls in systematic clockwork,

From the birth of a precious child

To the death in the wild.

The world glows with its innocents.

 

Falling asleep in the arms of a lover,

In the bright green grass under the cloud cover.

 

To know yourself,

Kill oneself

 

You can't explain it.

Heaven's air in my lungs every bit.

 

-John

[kenneth05]

it's not bad, really.

while it is a bit cliche, and derivative - of course all poetry is cliche and derivative.

this line: "To know yourself,

Kill oneself" seems out of context with the rest of the piece, however.

as a shock line it works, as a poetry line it doesn't.

just remember - you asked.

[johnagent1911]

I have to agree with you that it seems out of context and kind of a non-poetry line. Even when I wrote I thought the same thing.

 

It was that whole "old me vs new me" thing.

 

But this is cool because I can go back and change it.

 

Thanks.