For all of those wanting to get back together...

[Liquidius]

I've read quite a few posts on this site now, especially in this topic, and a lot of people seem to be playing games with their ex's in the hope they'll come back. Whilst NC is a good idea, it should be for healing, not to seeing who is going to "win" and give in first.

 

Can I remind you all that a sucessful relationship is built on trust and friendship, not a game of who is better at ignoring who. Many ex's genuinly want to remain friends with their partners, and it is possible. Its also possible that after time you'll get back together, but the possiblilty of this happening is reduced so much by playing games and trying to hurt them.

 

Does anyone agree or am I completely missing the point?

[rionmccloud]

You're right. The best I thing I did is not take the advice of some people on here. There are nor rules, really. Each situation is different, and in my case total NC wasn't possible, but friendship was. If I can't be her boyfriend I can at least be her best friend.

[The_Doc]

Theres no real answer to this.

 

So many of us, myself included, cannot conceive of a life without our ex in it. Like the mythical search for the Holy Grail we so want there to be a way of getting them back. Be this a guide book, a rule book, a strategy.

 

Clearly for some people NC has brought them back together. Whether these couples would have got back together again anyway is the hard question to answer.

 

Many on these forums think that doing anything to 'win them back' is manipulative and that we can do nothing but let them come back to us if they want and if they don't we move on.

 

No it simply expresses the desire of the heartbroken....

 

All we can do is be ourselves and do what we think is right and what we want...

 

Every break up is different but there are some common themes and general advice which can help. If we choose to take it, how to act upon it and how to follow it up is our decision.

 

Anyone know any love potions

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

This is exactly what is getting me worried & down about my situation...

 

Not sure if you've read any of my posts...

 

I was with my ex for 7 years, he broke up with me in June of 2004 but we have been off & on from then till now (a year)...

 

Even though my ex has hurt me alot and I know NC needed to be done because of that. Everyone has given me the advice to stick to it & I have been for just over a month now. But then I have been set back a bit after hearing he is going out with someone new not even a month after the last time he was with me. But I have just kept trying to keep to NC.

 

But a couple of months ago the same thing happened where he started seeing someone. But I remained in contact with him & was still his friend... Eventually we ended back together.

 

I am just so worried that this time if I keep to NC as I have been ---that I will never be his friend again & be a part of his life. That because of the distance NC brings....That he will just forget about me & that by keeping to NC ---I will mess up any chance that I may have to get back together with him, than if I were to remain his friend...

 

I know I need time to heal from all of this but I am just scared to lose him completely by doing NC...

 

 

What do you think?

 

 

 

 

LostAngel

[quing]

Yes once again folks, use the power of 'NC' for 'Good' not for 'Evil'

[quing]

"Distance is to Love what Wind is to Fire. It extinguishes the small and augments the great".

 

In a nutshell, if there was and is love then NC will help give them an opportunity to feel it and then show it.

If it just is not there then nothing will happen.

That is why you should use NC for yourself. It is a win win, a painful one but I would say saying goodnight to your ex every night on the phone whilst they are tucked up in bed with their new partner who is most probally laughing, is a lot more painful and embarrassing if anything.

Don't give them the chance to pity 'You'

Pity them if anything for not having a piece of you in their life anymore.

[The_Doc]

Qing

 

Wise words but this begs the following question:

 

Use NC for good... it helps you heal and it can make them miss you and reassess the situation.

 

OK lets suppose it does both. Lets suppose your ex does wake up one day and thinks 'OMG this person was the one, and I still lvoe them, want them etc'.

 

So they inititae contact.. perhaps at first tentatively rather than with a big emotional grand gesture.

 

How do you know if you maintain NC? This seems to me to be the $64,000 question.

 

They come crawling back, you have healed but still love them -- what in this case is the 'next phase'

 

This is the question few people seem to have an aswer for??

[quing]

How do you know if you maintain NC? This seems to me to be the $64,000 question.

 

Basically you just let them contact you and you respond as you would any other human being and not that of an ex who has ripped your heart out.

Don't ever jump for them when they want something. They will keep calling and making contact if they want to be near you, they will make up reasons to keep in touch until they feel comftable that they can make casual chat, this is where you still have to carry on being too busy to devote all your time and attention to them as you originally did when you were together.

 

 

Let them bring up their feelings, the door should be closed on sharing your feelings with them until they have really earned it and you are ready to open up.

 

Saying you love them etc can drive them away.

 

 

 

They come crawling back, you have healed but still love them -- what in this case is the 'next phase'

 

You take the wheel and tell them you are not sure what you actually want and that you are not looking for a heavy realationship and that you want to take it a day at a time.

That will make them desire and respect you more.

[Liquidius]

LostAngel

 

I almost lost my ex due to NC. I phoned him up one day bravely, and asked if I could come over and talk. I did, and we both ended up crying at eachother because we'd almost lost our friendship.

 

However, this is completely up to you, you are very on and off, but I value the friendship of my ex. It might hurt you more continuing to be friends with him, but if I was in your situation, I wouldnt throw away the friendship.

Use NC if it helps you heal, but don't use it in a spiteful way. Explain to him you need time to heal, but you'd like to be in contact. Just think, your ex wasn't just a lover, he was a friend too. Would you use NC or something similar to hurt a friend?

 

Quing

 

It depends on the terms that NC is set. My point is that a lot of people do it out of spite toward the other person. If its done under good intentions, not to see who cracks first, it can be a good idea. By good intentions I mean for healing purposes only. You don't have to say goodnight to your ex on the phone every evening - just be friends. I can't think of too many friends I call up all the time. I am not pitied by my ex, he split up with me 6 weeks ago, and we still do things together. Granted it was really hard at first, but now we get along fine. He has a piece in my life because I regard him as a valuable friend, and he the same to me. We split because we argued far too much, so to be honest, there wasn't much heart ripping.

 

But, as I've mentioned before, in a heart ripping situation NC would be a good opportunity in which to heal. Me and my ex share our feelings equally, and we know exactly where the other stands. I don't tell him I love him unless we actually sit down and decide to have a conversation about it.

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

Things are all too confusing. There are so many pro's & con's.

 

If I break NC ---

I won't have healed enough,

I may look needy or as if I'm running after him again,

he may react in a way that I will be even more hurt by,

 

If I don't ---

I will lose him as a friend,

he will forget me,

the love that he does have for me will fade,

I may loose him forever,

 

I just don't know...

 

 

It's like I'm scr**ed both ways.

 

 

I'm just so clueless, to what would be the best thing. Although the advice I always get given is to keep NC...

 

 

Please let me know wht you guys think.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Wimpy]

My view on NC....and I'm only 8 weeks into my break-up is that it's shown me once and for all that he wasn't as into the relationship as I was. He broke up with me in a hurtful, cold and inhuman manner - which I didn't deserve. By the time that happened I'd lost of my self-respect as I'd thrown 110% of myself into making the relationship work. I gave him EVERYTHING and he gave me nothing.

 

After he e-mailed me breaking up I initiated NC - yes to try and initially prompt a reaction from him. It gained me nothing so eventually I wrote to him expressing how I felt by what he had done. I didn't ask to get back together, I didn't tell him never to contact me again...I waited 2 weeks as that was how long it was before I could write what I wanted without it being vindictive or angry.

 

After that I determined never to contact him again. If he changed his mind or finally woke up and realised what he'd let go then he knows where I am. As a true measure of the man he's never responded.

 

He's 6,000 miles away now so NC is easier but it still gets to me - how's he doing, what's he doing, does he think about me etc etc. Now I do NC because I've finally regained some self-respect. AFter breaking up with me he wanted to remain friends but really what kind of friend treats you like that? As Hockeyboy said on a post the other day, I've got enough good friends I don't want anymore and I'm not willing to let him have things all his own way.

 

NC is now a way for me to heal. As the time goes by I get more and more distance and am allowing myself to heal. I liken NC to the scab that forms over an open wound. If you keep knocking the scab off (breaking NC) the wound never heals. If you leave it alone (keep up NC even when you want to break it) it allows YOU to heal emotionally. In my humble opinion you can only decide on being friends with an ex once all the emotion baggage has gone and you don't want to get back.

 

If they broke up with you, you have to do what's best for you....for me personally keeping in touch with him as a friend as he wanted wasn't for me.

 

NC isn't a game or a manipulative tool...if it is you're using it incorrectly.

 

On any other time we'd had differences or split up it was always me who initiated contact. I always had in the back of my mind..."I wonder what would have happened if I'd left it to him to get in touch?"...Now, sadly, I know the answer.

 

At the end of the day everyone should do what's right FOR THEM and don't do something because someone else does it and then blame that for their continuing unhappiness.

[quing]

My break up with my ex of 6 years was mutual apart from one thing, she had date already lined up and was dumping me so she could go on this date with a guy she had only had one drink with.

Now if it had been a clean break which led us to seeing other people then I would have been her best friend. But because I saw in the two eeks before our splt that there had been conspiring and arrangments behind my back I do not have time for her at all.

 

I cannot be friends with people who plot behind my back, it makes me come up in goose bumps.

 

And now she wants more than anything for me to call her and carry on being friends??????

 

So being friends or carrying out NC depends very much on the circumstances of the break up.

 

I choose not to contact as much as it hurts sometimes because I don't feel I can trust her with my personal life. It iwill now be saved for someone I can trust. friends don't stab you in the back, this one through a crazy passing fancy has just s*it on 6 years of her own life.

[Royltnxile]

Quote:

They come crawling back, you have healed but still love them -- what in this case is the 'next phase'

 

 

You take the wheel and tell them you are not sure what you actually want and that you are not looking for a heavy realationship and that you want to take it a day at a time.

That will make them desire and respect you more.

 

This is where I am at now. My ex, (who ripped my heart out on Valentines Day) has just taken the first small tentative steps to re-establish contact with me. Calling and not leaving messages. I'm going to wait til she does this some more, or ideally, leaves an actual message before I call her back. I want to. I have basically healed and am over it, yet I still care a great deal about her and don't want to totally write off the potential of resuming a dating relationship with her. It's going to be a "wait and see" matter.

[PB]

Can I remind you all that a sucessful relationship is built on trust and friendship, not a game of who is better at ignoring who. Many ex's genuinly want to remain friends with their partners, and it is possible. Its also possible that after time you'll get back together, but the possiblilty of this happening is reduced so much by playing games and trying to hurt them.

 

This is the part I struggle with, i.e., that doing the NC thing is in many ways "playing games". You are acting in a way specifically against what your heart is telling you to do.

 

I'm not saying you should not do it. There are lots of times in life that rationality should take precedence over raw emotion (though some might disagree with this).

 

I can't help but think that there is a certain aspect of it though that borders on "being childish." Refusing to respond to phone calls, emails, messages from someone you profess to have a great deal of feeling for--does that really add anything to your stature or sense of self worth?

 

Does it make you feel any more hopeful about your own future (with or without the other person)? Or does it shrink your world down to little vengeful "gotchas" that probably don't have near the effect on the other person that you fantasize that it does?

[WebChick]

This reply is mostly for Angel...and yes I HAVE followed your progress up to this point. You DO seem truly hurt and confused as to what you should do..and perhaps the only way you will fully convince yourself of where to go from here WOULD be to break NC..ONE last time. I would think long and hard about what I want to say...the catch here and perhaps the HARDEST thing is to NOT expect a thing from him. Otherwise you could end up devastated...so that's a gamble.

If you think in your heart of hearts you can contact this guy with KNOWING you could possibly set yourself back yet AGAIN..then I say do it. This may be something you need to do...to prove to YOURSELF that it is really over.

For ME...writing an email..saying EVERYTHING I want to say...good bad or indifferent, helps. Writing it....and saving it for when I have the nerve to

click that "send " button and not care if I hear back from them or not.

It's about cleansing yourself..because YOU have unresolved answers. Maybe you NEED him to get nasty, maybe you NEED him to tell you he'll never come back...because just wondering forver will never put your mind at ease. Give yourself permission to contact him...and chances are you'll feel more relief just knowing you made that decision. It's mind over matter if you think about it.

I hope that made SOME sense. Good luck !

[quing]

This is the part I struggle with, i.e., that doing the NC thing is in many ways "playing games". You are acting in a way specifically against what your heart is telling you to do.

 

So, whats the alternative? punish yourself by having it all in your face?

People play games all the time, I don't understand why some of you have so much against it.

 

It is a natural part of courtship, anyone denies this is lying or unaware that they do it.

 

Think about that first meeting when you don't want to appear to eager.

What is that if it is not playing games?

 

How about deciding who should call first and who should hang up first, what is that if it is not playing games?

 

Animals do it by fighting and head butting each other or strange courtship dances etc

[Royltnxile]

I don't think that NC is "playing games". It makes total sense. It's working in my case because she has tried contacting me again this past weekend by calling and not leaving messages. These were not "drunk dials" either. She has no "window into my world" because we have no common friends. I don't have a window into her's either. NC drives the other person's curiosity level up eventually.

 

Yes, your heart tells you to do irrational things like cry, beg, plead, confess your undying love in a gushing manner to your ex, and generally try to grovel your way back into another's heart. That's what your heart tells you to do.

 

Your head is the one you have to follow. Let your head keep your heart in check. My heart wants so badly to call her, and speak with her, but my head overules my heart this time. It's taken me years to realize this, but I've finally figured out how this sh*t works!

[quing]

I like your style Royltnxile,

 

You sound wise to it all.

I have done my begging in past relationships, not anymore, not for this one. As for NC, I am actually finding it easy now, as I really have no interest what my ex file is up to.

She has tried recently tried the 'how are you/look at me' gloat email to get a reaction from me, and I have decided after some thought not to play the game by not responding.

Although I suppose that could be seen as taking the game up a level as ex's hate the thought that you are not there altogether and you are really over them and moving on.

 

The thing is I really believe after just 6 weeks from a 6 year relationship I am getting over her, I just need the right woman to entertain me now and I will be there and she will really be history.

I was playing NC the other week to get her back, now as time is moving on I am enjoying single life and I am looking forward to my next woman.

 

You are right about letting you mind rule your heart, My brain will not have it any other way after the **** I have been dragged through in the past by previous miss-adventures with scarlet women.

[PB]

This is the part I struggle with, i.e., that doing the NC thing is in many ways "playing games". You are acting in a way specifically against what your heart is telling you to do.

 

So, whats the alternative? punish yourself by having it all in your face?

People play games all the time, I don't understand why some of you have so much against it.

 

Notice what I said after the statement of mine that you quoted:

 

I'm not saying you should not do it.

 

I'm not saying that NC is an invalid way of dealing with the issues of a lost relationship. There is a fine line however between using it get to over someone and using it to alter an ex's feelings toward you (positively or negatively).

 

When you use NC in the second sense, then you are not really using "NC". In effect you are using your "lack of contact" as an indirect way of "connecting to them." By not responding, you are forcing them to "think" about you even more. And of course, it causes you to think about them even more too (I just wish I could see his/her face when they called and I did not answer the phone; I wonder how many times they've checked their email hoping to see my reply, etc...)

[Liquidius]

I agree.

[marysville08]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months, whom i love to death. I broke it off because of the distance. He used NC. I on the other hand didn't and ended up crying my eyes out because I never thought he would give me a second shot, but he did. I am now happily back together with my ex.

 

I believe that if you truly want to be with your ex, don't use NC. Make contact with them and slowly start talk, it will give them the chance to remember how it felt to be with you. The only exception to this is not to scare them away with too much contact or bugging the heck out of them.

 

Anyone know what I mean?

[Rainz]

I think NC is excellent for wanting to heal emotionally from your break up and for building yourself back up again.

 

When my first serious relationship broke down we didn't initiate NC properly, adn each tim I iniated he would break it. I'd feel as though I has been aming milestones and moving on, and then he'd contact me and I'd be right back where I started. He'd contact me and there would always be that little bit of hope that he wanted to resolve the issues that caused us to split in the first place - it never happened. Even when I'd met new people and started dating again, he would come back and break NC, and it would bring back all thr hurt and pain from that break-up and I'd literally be re-living it all over again. We even got back toegther at one point but still ended up breaking up again. So I explained to him that wwe can't keep doing this back and forth thing and that I will have NO CONTACT whatsoever with him and I initiated NC again, this is years later.

 

Breakups that I've had since then I've initiated full NC and I find it definietly enables me to heal quicker and better. Regarding the ex that I was referring to, had I been strong enough at that time and knowing what I know now, I would have been firmer in sticking to the NC even more because it's really not until they're out of your life completely that you can fully heal from the break up and trult get over them I think.

 

With my most recent break up, it ended very suddenly and abruptly...we parted ways, I can't even say that we actually boke up as such. My attempts to talk about things and discuss what was going on were just met with coldness, callousness and heartlessness...far as I'm concerned I had not choice but to do NC.

 

I wrote him a letter several weeks later, not for reconciliation, no begging, pleading or anything like that because that's just not me. I just basically expressed in the letter the things that I had not had the chance to express at the time. He still has not blinked in my direction since we parted ways, nor since I sent him my letter. Though I'm fine and I've been getting on with my life, I don't sit around moping and pining for my ex, it still saddens me to know that he could just pretty much in an instant turn so cold, callous and heartless and not even blink back at me. We always enjpyed a very healthy, rapport and acquaintanceship even before getting together and now it's as though I never even existed and the relationship was meaningless.

 

Yes there are times when I really miss him and what to hear his voice, and miss the things we would do etc etc.......and my heart at times really does ache for him BUT then I think of his disgusting behaviour at the end and think no I can't go there because who he showed himself to be at the end is not the same person who I'd fallen in love with.

[Liquidius]

I believe that if you truly want to be with your ex, don't use NC. Make contact with them and slowly start talk, it will give them the chance to remember how it felt to be with you.

 

Exactly. Me and my ex are on good terms - we do speak occasionally and share a hobby in which we see eachother once a week. We don't talk about our relationship at the moment, we're just focusing on being friends. It's harder than NC, and can really rip your emotions apart sometimes, but I'm not doing it to try to get him back, I just dont want to waste a perfectly good 3 year friendship

[PB]

Exactly. Me and my ex are on good terms - we do speak occasionally and share a hobby in which we see eachother once a week. We don't talk about our relationship at the moment, we're just focusing on being friends. It's harder than NC, and can really rip your emotions apart sometimes, but I'm not doing it to try to get him back, I just dont want to waste a perfectly good 3 year friendship

 

Liquidius

 

I admire your effort to salvage a part of your friendship with your ex. I share an office w/ my ex which means we are around each other 40+ hours per week. I think if I saw her less often it would be easier to be friends when we did cross paths.

 

One thing I discovered that shocked me after we broke up was how difficult it was to talk to her (minus the flirting). I would have told you before the breakup that she was my best friend and that I could talk to her about anything. However, once I quit flirting with her I discovered that we really didn't "just talk about things" as much as I thought we did.

 

We went out to dinner one night and I could barely think of something to say for parts of the evening. It was very strange.

 

Would you say that you and your ex flirt?

[Liquidius]

Would you say that you and your ex flirt?

 

No, not that i've noticed. I don't treat him any differently than i'd treat any of my other friends - and he just treats me like a close friend. We still seem to have a lot to talk about, although, admittedly, its harder without the flirting. I can't be near so as open with him as I used to, but its getting easier the more I get used to it. We were friends before we got together though, which may be why we can have a friendship. Were you friends with your ex before you got together?