Girl is coming on hot and heavy

[Blue_Skirt]

If you want drama, go to the theater, with the guarantee that it won't last forever. If you want a good lasting relationship, find yourself a kind stable woman, with whom you can also have fun.

[jazz_lover]

Definitely by emotional I don't mean emotionally unstable. What I mean is that I grew up around very reserved people and tend that way myself so I like people who express their emotions and have an emotional range and are in touch with their feelings and emotions and are emotionally intelligent. 

I guess by not holding back I mean not playing hard to get or hiding their interest. Usually I like a bit of uncertainty and not knowing where I stand at least in the beginning. But I guess right now it feels nice to skip that part although obviously in this girl's case there was a catch.

And yeah I guess it is about balance. Sweet all the time would become sickly. And fun all the time would be exhausting. And there is a time for playfulness/flirtation and a time for seriousness.

And of course no one wants someone cynical and bitter and sarcastic and critical and so on and people with those attributes try to hide them at least in the beginning but I think if you pay attention you can usually spot them. 

 

[Batya33]

What would you want to know about where you stand within the first 3 dates? The way I knew - for me anyway -was that the man kept asking me out for dates.  I didn't look for him to express his emotions about me in any deep way as we'd just met.  But if he kept asking me out I knew where we stood was that he was interested in getting to know me better by dating me.  So if a woman says yes with enthusiasm when you ask her out then you know where you stand -right?

[jazz_lover]

Of course that is how it usually works. I guess I found it flattering that this girl threw herself at me especially as I was rather taken by her at first. But I guess lack of self control has its downsides. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Of course that is how it usually works. I guess I found it flattering that this girl threw herself at me especially as I was rather taken by her at first. But I guess lack of self control has its downsides. 

What about that was flattering and sometimes you'll need to make a choice IMO- because a person who is that aggressive with a stranger likely has little staying power for the long term - even people who feel love at first sight -if that person sees long term potential -will refrain from "throwing" in favor of reacting with head and heart "I am over the moon but I know it's better not to overshare/be too forward so I'll get to know this person at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time instead of going with the chemistry and infatuation and going for an insta-relationship"

An anecdote.  When my future husband and I reconnected after years apart we decided to get back together after we saw each other platonically three evenings. Our first real date was around my birthday and he gave me a beautiful necklace.  We were over the moon and excited to be back together.  I asked him to help me put on the necklace and he did, at my apartment.  I expected him to kiss me then but he didn't. 

And he didn't till hours later, after our dinner/theater.  I asked him later why he hadn't.  He said "I wanted to but felt that it would be taking advantage of you asking me to put on the necklace -I didn't want to give the wrong impression." 

This is what I mean -with rare exception most people who are looking for long term will not play games but will have a sense of self, of confidence, of being other-centered- even when self-absorbed in that initial excitement, the healthy person thinks of the sort of impression they want to make, of the other person feeling comfortable around them, etc. 

So if you're looking to be flattered by a sweet, cute girl as you described her that's totally fine.  Just accept the downsides and the time-wasting in finding someone who might have serious long term potential.

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Definitely by emotional I don't mean emotionally unstable. What I mean is that I grew up around very reserved people and tend that way myself so I like people who express their emotions and have an emotional range and are in touch with their feelings and emotions and are emotionally intelligent. 

I guess by not holding back I mean not playing hard to get or hiding their interest. Usually I like a bit of uncertainty and not knowing where I stand at least in the beginning. But I guess right now it feels nice to skip that part although obviously in this girl's case there was a catch.

And yeah I guess it is about balance. Sweet all the time would become sickly. And fun all the time would be exhausting. And there is a time for playfulness/flirtation and a time for seriousness.

And of course no one wants someone cynical and bitter and sarcastic and critical and so on and people with those attributes try to hide them at least in the beginning but I think if you pay attention you can usually spot them. 

 

You sound level headed, Jazz, and I think you're learning how to navigate beautifully. 

Ditching this woman was smart, but I was with you in keeping an open mind up until this last revelation.

Yes, people will show you what they're made of. Enjoy them through a lens set to a neutral 5 on your private trust meter on a scale of 1 to 10. Observe over time whether you'll want to invest more trust or withdraw it. You have demo'd that you can recognize red flags before they must become giant neon signs.

That's a skill. It doesn't come naturally to most of us, we need to learn it. You're doing well, and I hope you'll keep us informed on your dating progress.

Head high, and enjOy!

[jazz_lover]

thanks catfeeder. I think seeing red flags isn't necessarily the difficult part. It is resisting the temptation to ignore them and make excuses/rationalize especially when you are emotionally involved. I guess I was lucky that this girl showed her hand so quickly before I got smitten.

Batya thanks for sharing the anecdote about your future husband. I guess a lot of romance is about anticipation and rushing things ruins it in that respect. And also that when you really want someone you will tend to be cautious because you don't want to screw things up. With me I know I really like someone because I feel nervous and shy. I also feel a little scared because of the sense of vertigo and fear of falling. So I guess my head and my heart are both engaged. 

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

especially when you are emotionally involved. I guess I was lucky that this girl showed her hand so quickly before I got smitten.

Why are you that emotional so early on?  No I didn't share that because of romance and anticipation. I shared that because of using head and heart - my husband used his head to decide that he wanted me to see that he wasn't going to use the opportunity of proximity to go for a first kiss because he wanted it to be special -wanted me to know and feel that he cared about me and us making a go of it.  

Everyone feels nervous when they really like someone from the get go/feel infatuated.  It's normal. You get to choose your reaction.  When I felt that way about my husband the first two times we reconnected -platonically- I chose to react by getting to know him, by knowing that oversharing or coming on strong might upset the delicate balance and dynamic of getting to know each other again.  Given our history from years ago.  I used head and heart.  I was scared too.  

The fear is not about your head being engaged -the fear is an emotion -you get to choose how to react to the fear.  Many years ago when I was 16 I was asked to jump off a cliff about 30 feet into the water below.  The other choice was to risk rope burns sliding down a rope.  I was really scared.  It was a hike in a foreign country with a teen tour.  I jumped.  The fear was the emotion, the reaction was my head deciding not to risk rope burns.  

Many years ago when my husband asked me to get back together - in 2005 - I felt fear and confusion for the first 30-60 seconds.  We'd failed before.  I was excited about the prospect of it -we'd seen each other three times -all platonic - but the fear was -I'll get involved, we'll fail again.  I chose to react to the fear by saying yes.  With enthusiasm.  Partly because of the chemistry I felt and partly it was a totally sober, head-based decision of "I can do this/we can do this/he's a great person/we want the same things from this relationship."  

That's what I mean by head and heart.  You choose not to react to early feelings of being smitten with a stranger/near stranger by choosing to get to know the person over a longer period of time. 

You react to over the top flattery by a stranger or near stranger by acknowledging you like the ego boost then considering whether you need to tread carefully because -hmmmm - it's a bit of oversharing/maybe she's projecting/idealizing since she really doesn't know you.  Like the guy who asked me only half jokingly what my ring size was on our first date.  Flattering? Creepy? - if you want an LTR enjoy having your head in the clouds -for sure -and keep your feet on the ground.  Good luck.