I am jeaslous and having a hard time dealing...help

[braves95]

I have been dating this girl for about 7 months now and it has been great except for one thing. I have had a rocky past as far as relationships go-Many of my relationships have ended b/c my partner cheated on me. I was always very laid back and trusting of my partner. After a few times I had had enough and ended a on/off 'ship that last 5 years-I didn't hear from her for a few years and in the meantime I totally got over her and had no problems trusting the girls I dated for the next 2-3 years(although none lasted more than 4-6 months). This girl contacts me out of the blue and since I was single decided to try it again-well, this was a bad move, it lasted for a tumultuous two months. I ended it for good and on that night, I met my current girlfriend-She was outgoing and confident and I was totally smitten right from the start. The first two months or so were so cool-We got along great and she loved the fact that we were opposite personalities-During the last few months though, we have had about 5 or six big fights concerning my jealousy-She is very outgoing and would talk to anyone. She has many friends male/female as she works in the bar industry. Most times we fight when I think she has gone out after work with the "girls" or when we go out I catch her sizing up different dudes. Now, I am a guy, and still, and always will look at other girls, but I have no intentions behind them-I love my girlfriend and never ever cheat on her b/c I know what it feels like. Usually I end up getting drunk and pissed and accuse her of looking at some dude-She is fed up with it and she tells me each time that she loves me only and would never cheat on me. She says just b/c she might look at someone or talk to them doesn't =having sex with them. I acted like an jerk this Friday night b/c of some the above stuff and I know that I am really pushing her away and don't have many chances left-Here is my dilemma: I know in my heart that I love this girl and do feel she loves me(she said on our 2nd or 3rd date that trust i#1 on her list and that she is very loyal)I am also very loyal-I don't know if we can continue b/c obviously she is an extrovert and I am laid back introvert-I did ask her about this and she likes that I am shyer than her, that it helps keep her in check-I know that some of my past relationship problems contribute to my jealousy but I don't know what to do-I don't want to lose her and this is the only problem we have-the only-Please help-what the hell shouldI do to trust her and not WORRY about any situation whether it's being with her or not? Help me!!!!

thanks

[reflectionlessmirror]

It is very hard to trust someone, true. I have the same problem, and do you know what? It ruined my last relationship totally. The person i was dating was the same way and our descussions were always "So what did you do last night? Were there any people asking you out? Who'd youdance with/kiss/f***?" The jelousy eventually got in the way of our love. Next relationship i am in i am gonna shut my mouth before i accuse. I guess you (and myself) might need to consider the saying "Innocent utnil proven guilty!" Good luck!

[Iceman26]

Well dude I hate to say this, but with your dating past the last kind of person you should be dating is a girl working in the bar industry. Being outgoing and flirtatious comes with the job, know what I mean?

 

It comes down to this. Either you are going to trust her or you are not. It sounds like she is into you, so why not give her a chance and try to tone down the jealousy a bit? Do you think you could?

[braves95]

thanks both of you for your replies-I have tried and vowed each time to stop but a week or two passes w/o incident but it alway seems to be there whether I explode or not-She always talks bad about friends present and past, near and far, that have cheated or thought of cheating so I thought I should should give her that much you know? I will do my best and thanks again for the advice.

[nmduipd]

Let me make this clear:

You hate when you 'catch her sizing up different dudes' but you think it is perfectly normal for you to look at other girls! You even know that you will always do that because you are 'a guy'.

What is the difference?

If you really know that there are no intentions behind them, why is it so hard to believe that the same deal applies for your girlfriend?

 

Maybe I am wrong, but it sounds a bit like double standards to me.

 

BTW, how can you be so sure that she doesn't feel the same way about you looking at other girls?

[.Real Talk.]

wow, im in the same position as you, i can get pretty jealous when it comes to my g/f and we usually end up fighting about it (we've been goin out for almost 7 months now and we've argued about this a few times) i love her w/ all my heart but wen i hear something i get jealous of I start an argument and after it all we both end up feeling like crap, we make up and everything is fine again, but i feel like im pushing her away slowly but steadily.

 

like you said, you tell yourself to stop and then a few weeks later it happens again (same thing here too man) i dont know wut to do, i feel like im gonna lose her b/c of this, i need help i dont know wut to do tho...

[LeReveur]

from a girl's perspective, I get so pissed off when my boyfriend makes other comments about girls in front of me, but he says he only does it because I do the same thing while he is w/me. I do it mainly as a joke, but it makes me so freaking angry when I see him checking out girls...etc...but I'm trying my best to hold it in, and only tell him if its excessive...I know its supposedly a reflex action for guys to check out any hot piece of a** that walks in front of them, but maybe you should be checking out your gf more, and realize that she too is hot, and someone worth complimenting...if my bf did that more, maybe his constant looks for eye candy wouldnt be so upsetting

[Cecelius]

You seem to know a lot about yourself, and that you have a trust problem -- you should try to focus on that yourself (regardless of what you have going on in your life). Be smart, be confident and understand that you don't need anyone in your life, and none of this will bother you.

 

Second, no matter how confident you are, dating a woman in that line of work is bound to cause trouble. Take the relationship for what it is and don't make more of it. Either she'll go on to better jobs, or you'll break up when you get bored.

 

Lastly, has she ever cheated on anyone before?

[braves95]

Well she has a degree from an IVY League school and she works in a very nice rest. on the Member's Club area cigar bar-So, it's not like she is working at the local dive watering hole(which there is nothing wrong with doing-I did for awhile years ago)-and NO she has said repeatedly that she has never cheated on anyone and that I am the one she has been waiting for and all that-she gets emotional when she says that I am the one and the only one-She talks bad about one of her girlfriends boyfriend who supposedly has hit on a couple of her girlfriends friends and how he is a piece of s*** for doing it-She has said that as recent as last week and not in the context of US and our problems-I think she is a good person and would not disrespect me, but sometimes I get those warning signs of her looking at another dude while we are out or at dinner-I mean like, look one time and then do the double, triple take stare. When I said in my post that I look at other girls it meant that I can look but If I am with her I won't stare someone down ya know? Anyway I do love her and I think the best way to do with this is to be bold and just say have fun or totally disregard the "looks" or "stares" and see what happens-She has told me many important things just randomly-I hate to lie-I am loyal and directly to my face after the first few fights"I would never do that to you"-

I said to her if you want to do something else, just tell me first and give me a heads up-She answered by saying she doesn't want anyone else-

thanks for the help-I think I still need it-

 

thanks

[Cecelius]

Then she sounds like a quality woman.

 

I think that the only thing you can do by beaing jealous is to look weak, which will make you less attractive, which will get you dumped. If its not that bad, then don't worry about it.

[ForAnother]

Ok...

 

Jealousy sucks, I been there too. The only way I got over it was after breaking up with a girl who DID cheat on me. The reason I am less jealous now is that I am more picky in the girls I choose to date. I don't like flirtatious girls... they usually aren't in the relationship for the reason that I might be in for it.

 

The only thing you can do is ignore it. Perhaps do the same thing she does back to her for jokes... try what she does ya know? maybe you will discover something. Perhaps she will discover something. Its all a matter of testing and losing, and testing and winning. Learn how she does it, perhaps your "laid back"ness will deteriorate and you become more social... and stronger with yourself. Strength with yourself first, will allow you to be the best partner for another.

 

If you don't know who you are and how you work, what do you have to offer anyone else? It is essential to understand yourself, so that you know what to give to others around you.

 

ForAnother