Love advice

[cassiana]

If someone you liked and were attracted to you made it clear that they thought that you were great and as you gradually revealed your weaknesses they still thought you were great, do you think that you would fall in love them?

[brando]

probably. It is important to be accepted for who we are.

[cassiana]

Now just to complicate things, what if you have a low opinion of yourself and what you can provide. Would you still fall in love with that person who seems to have such a good opinion of you? Or would you think, she must be nuts, doesn't she see what loser I am. Or (to overuse or and make it even more complicated) would you eventually believe that her good opinion of you was the truer one?

[Kaia]

I think if you have low opinion of yourself, at the beginning you would tend to think she must be nuts, and then eventually believe she is right. But i think it's a dangerous situation to fall in love in this situation because you're building up your self confidence on that person's opinion of you. There's a fine line there, you can take the compliment and build up your opinion of yourself on it (good), or you rely on that person and think she's the only one who will ever see something good in you (bad).

[brando]

that raises a lot of opinion and i think psychology. If someone thinks highly of someone else who has a poor self image, then things could get complicated. Tell someone who thinks they are hideous they are not and see the results..... the mind is increcidibly powerful, thoughts one holds of themselves are as well.

 

I believe a person can and will sabotage a relationship, ( a healthy one) just because of their poor self image, they may not feel deserving of it, and subconsciously will inact things to produce their belief. It avoids that person having to look at themselves and see what holds them back from conquering their poor self perception. It is what one is use to and more comfortable with...

[cassiana]

I think my ex thinks he is weak and a bit of a failure. He had just finished his law degree when he got ill. Now he's 33 and just qualified but unemployed. I think he's great. I think he has really achieved alot despite the nine years he has been held back by chronic fatigue syndrome. He coped with the illness, not knowing what it was and thinking maybe that you were dying, the stigma of people not recognising it as a proper illness. He went back when he was able and finished his course and came top of his class.

The first time he really opened up to me I was really sympathetic and he had tears in his eyes. Then he dumped me. Last saturday was the first time in 14 months that we met.It was he who initiated our meeting. He told me even more and I told him I understood.

He said he tried to hide the extent of his illness while we were dating because he didn't want to appear weak. I told him I didn't think he was weak and there was no need to impress me, that I was already impressed.He told me he doesn't really have anyone to talk to. I said relationships areas much about bad moods, silence and gas as they are about bad times.

He was really touched but hasn't contacted me since wednesday and then only to cancel an arrangement.

Do you think he could be pulling back because he's embarrassed to have shown so much or what?

Do you think he will ever let his guard down and what on earth does he feel for me?

[seren]

Hey cassiana,

 

I have read alot of your posts, i know your story...........I gues si read your posts alot because what you are wondering is the biggest love question that is so confusing to me......n i too would love to know......

 

Often so often and esaecially on this website we are told that if they truly loved you, if they were in love with you they woud be with you, as simple as that. You will even get told how there is a book called hes just not that into you and well, that must mean that love is that simple, if your in ove thats it , u would do ANYTHING to make it work........

 

It sometimes feels im the only one who has trouble beliving or understanding this statement.........

 

i dont believe it. i try to because hey who doesnt want something as clean as that, something as black n white n easy to know. so uncomplicated. but i just dont compeletly, but i do wonder............

 

The thing is my first love.........what can i say, it was 3 yrs ago that we broke up, 5 since we met............i had never felt anything like it, i have never sensed someones love for me so strongly, i never had anyone hold me the way he did, i never had anyone not be able to COMEPLETLY let go none have such conflict in what they were feeling, ive never been so confused and frustrated in all my life..........ive never been so hurt.......

 

he ended it after never completely starting it, he was alwyas hot then cold. distant and cool, very very scared to ever let me be with him once n for all.......he pushed me away like your ex is doing, he would call me n thn nt return my txts.........i just wnated to know what it wa he felt and if he did love me why ouldnt he be with me??????????? I JUST DIDNT GET IT.

 

now i think i do......i dont believe love conquers all, i dont believe someone who is suffering depression, someone who has been abused, someone who has been very hurt in past and isnt ready yet CAN do whatever it takes to keep a person..........i dont believe if you loose someone or you have massive money troubles and long distance in the rd or any of the THOUSANDS OF THINGS THAT COMPLICATE RELATIONSHIPS that every time u can make it work no matter what just because you love them............i think sometimes when you combine what you wnat and what you need, the stage in your life, your past with your partners needs, wnats and stage in life and past that you can always handle it.........sometimes its too much.......

 

i knwo people say but if your in love it wouldnt be too much.......i think love is v strong emotion sometimes even that is too much if your not in right mid frame etc, alot balances on being in love, alot of people need to make sure they can cope before gettin in too deep.........i think maybe they hold off being in love, not intentionaly but i think if theres something complicating the relatinship like illness sometimes that TAKES OVER the ability to love, thereforeeee they do find it ok to walk away.......

 

i think the book sayin hes just not that into means......hes not into u ENOUGH to marry you as in hes not THE ONE ......ive been in love n not wanting to get married before you know, i wasnt ready for it yet, does that mean i DIDNT actually love him? its so confusing......i think timing has alot to do with fallin in love......i think if its bad time u may not fal n love, u will walk away before u feel any more, but if it was right time with that same person mabe you would have...u know....i think they may know they could love u but just arent ready right now.......they know they cant, they have to many issues.........

 

love doesnt i dont htink all sudden give u this amazing armour where u all sudden become storng and emotionaly and mentaly stable, and able to knock every complication out of way without any drama.....sometimes people, some people walk away instead........en gets too much, EVERYONE has their limit of whats enough.......

 

someone once said to me also that if its a good rship there wont be any complication cos u wont let them become complicted, this is so not true......

 

I can say this but i dont knwo if im right or worng....what does everyone else think?

 

All i know is my ex recent one, dropped me after he lost his job, no self esteem, suffered depression, ad put WAY too much pressur eon himself to become something someone when i thought he already was best person in world.......i honestly think he just didnt love me cos he wasnt ready, he neded to get well, n work on him love him first, for it to last d he knew that

[cassiana]

I do not believe in The One. I thinks its a dangerous concept. If we all held out for The Job, we would starve to death. Relationships are hard and there are no hard and fast rules. I have read the book, hes just not that into you and it annoys me how its touted as the answer. It was like going to your brother for advice and your brother not wanting to listen to you and your complexities just insensitively says, he's not that into you just to get rid of you. Rain forest have been destroyed churning out pap to make pseudopsychologists rich by preying on people looking for answers. each one of these books have one catchphrase and they hang a book around it.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

I'm okay, you're okay,

Feel the fear and do it anyway,

Hell I could make up something equally as trite

How about

When love flies in, doubt runs out.

 

I would also point out that though books have indicated to the contrary I as a woman can read a map and I drive a stick shift.

 

My ex was special to me and I know he's wrestling with issues now. I do feel that we humans tend to judge ourselves in different ways. We judge ourselves by our own standards, by comparison by others and by the judgement other people tend to reflect back on us.

 

My Ex fails by his own standards. He is not healthy, his ambitious law career has been thwarted and he has no money.

My ex compares himself to his peers and family. they are all succsessful, mainly married and in control of their lives.

My ex sees concern in his parents eyes and then the eyes of his family. He also preceives some embarrassment there.

Amongst his male friends he sees casual indifference and a hope that the conversation won't deteriorate to being personal.

Amongst his female friends he sees concern, even pity.They try to feed up his thin frame and urge him to get jobhunting etc.

 

And then there's me.

He sees that I like him, listen to what he says, am impressed by all he has done and am very attracted to him.

 

I wonder will he one day believe that I believe in him and then believe in himself as a result.

I wonder will that bring us together.

[seren]

Cassiana,

 

i agree with you so much.

 

its crazy how much what you are going thru is the same as me in terms of our exs fighting battles against their own personal demons, a fight that holds much on the thought of self worth and achivement. Like your ex feeling inadequate because o f his illness, my ex sufferes depression to a point he doesnt knwo what hes feeling..if anything....it comes and goes.....but his lack of self love doesnt........i dont knwo where his low self esteem came frome and i dont know exactly the degree it used to be, but i know in high school etc it was worse and he was very effected by it.....he also feels a need to be independent, to get a good job, to be a better person or something to be able to feel they can be loved, they n love etc.

 

we can tell them we think their amazing, we can tell them we love them, but think the best thing to do is what u and i have both done...give them their space, support them, let them know were here.....let them go in the sense of needing them to see what we do, it doesnt matter that we see how amazing they r, its so much more important they do.

 

I think we become an extra stresss, an extra pressure while they still feel they havent suceeded in what they have plannned. My ex has a plan, he has to get a job ( also law) finish his studies, becomes an all round better person to him, he knows he needs to work on his issues.

 

I understand he needs to be alone for this. I remember when i felt so bad when i was unemployed ( although was only 4 months) i stressed so bad, and i remember sayin i wish i was single so i didnt have that extra pressure to be someone. imagine their feelings of inadequacy goin thru this if they were still with us.

 

its not healthy. i know. i wish u n i kew how to show them how to love themselves. but we cant. its their journey, but it DOES NOT mean he doesnt love you. he so does. its been over a yr n hes still there. he opens up to you, cmon your the most amazing thing to him i can bet u on that. i too admire you, your complete selflessness and amazing amount of care. he knows this........just be you and hold on for as long as u think is ok

[cassiana]

Thanks for that Seren.

It's funny but I do think of it as me versus his demons.

It's also uncanny that your Bf is also studying law. It is often the smartest people who hurt the most. They think too much.

As a teenager I used to worry about my weight so much that it dictated alot of things I did. So I can understand what its like to be so stuck in a negative thought pattern. When you come out of it you wonder what the hell was the matter with you. I suppose that's why I have cut him so much slack. I suppose somewhere deep down he knows what I feel. It just needs to become a reality for him.

I suppose you are right. He wouldn't contact me again if he didn't care. Even as he dumped me he told me that I had been good for him.

I hope his weekend away will have cheered him up. It's bad to be on your own but that's what he wanted. On Friday I emailed him a photo of my cool dude younger brother staring ecstatically into the eyes of his first baby daughter. I'm trying to wrap my family around him. He's never met any yet but I have brought them alive with descriptions. I'm hoping that this will help.