Why wont he come back :(

[coolchick]

Hey everyone,

 

Ive posted a lot on here and im probably just repeating myself as time goes on My ex broke up with me out of the blue 3 months ago. We were together for 3 and 1/2 years and i thought everything was going great...2 days before splitting with me he even asked what i would do if he was to propose to me He never gave me a reason for the split and each time i asked he would just tell me to leave it.

Well now he's told me that he couldnt handle the way we were with each other, he was very jealous but i put up with it because i loved him so much and thought it was just a way of showing that he cared. We've kept in contact, as much as i tryed to do no contact it just wasnt working for me as it made me more depressed not having him in my life atall never mind not together. He's got an new girl now but he told me that he's doing it to get over me. I dont understand this though. He says that he gets real down and he looks at pictures of me to remind him of how close we used to be and remember our kisses and cuddles. He even crys because he cant believe we're not together but then he remembers the arguments. He said we cant ever go back. I really dont understand this atall. He was the one who was always jealous, surely its a part of his nature and nothing to do with just me? If he was like that with me, he'll be like that with another girl. I just want him back and i feel like ive lost such an important part of my life so suddenly. I sometimes feel like i cant cope with life and the feeling inside me makes me wonder what the point of going on is i loved and still love him so much and to know that he crys too is unbearable. Why would he look at pictures of me, tell me he still loves me, but yet not want to be with me? It hurts so much that he could just walk off and find someone else and hurt them just so that he can occupy his mind and forget about me, especially when there's no need to

[bittersweetly healed]

sounds exactly like my situation, it was all "i love yous" up until a week ago. i doubt we are just forgotten about. you'll see...

[Ms Omaniac]

first off....im truly sorry for this pain and confusion and frustration you're going through. it's awful to be in a situation you dont understand and then for it to cause you such awful heartache.

 

i maybe wrong...and i surely cant speak from a men's point of view...but ive read how some men dont handle intense feelings well. the book went on to say that when a man feels extreme intense feelings that it scares him and he will back away. BUT he will also keep coming back once the feelings start to get more under control because after some time...he is able to have a stronger grasp on his emotions. but then once he comes back...the intense feelings come back and then he goes away again. This is a painful and torturous loop since he will go and come back...leaving you in despair and pain and confusion.

 

the solution was to have no contact because you are put on this emotional roller coaster. you are happy when he does call and then sad when you hear he is trying to move on with his life without you...and then happy again when he tells you he misses you...sad again when he is seeing someone else....etc. he has issues though...and this is not your fault. he needs to deal with his issues and not take you along on this painful process. if you leave with no contact...he will miss you and call you. and if you continue to tell him to please leave you be even though you want to talk to him...he will miss you EVEN MORESO and maybe that will give him the strength and desire to try and deal with his issues.

 

but youre right...he is NOT relationship material for his new gf nor you. he will always come back to this. this has to deal with fear of abandonment/fear of commitment.

 

to try and understand his feelings about this...you should look up in psychology textbooks about this problem. this may not help you get him back but you'll at least understand what he's doing and why and that might give you the resolution to move on.

[coolchick]

Thank you so much Ms Omaniac,

The strange thing is, im at university studying psychology but when you're put in the situation all my learnings went out the window! Your advice is great, i need to look more into why he's backing away from me from an outside perspective to realise that he would do this to me all the time. We've split up twice before due to the same reasons but he always came back after a few days or 2 weeks at most. This time is different though, its been 3 months and ive never known him to be so determined that its over. Maybe he feels its the last straw but if he still loves me surely it cant be so easy for him just to ignore me and find a new girl he's never done this before which causes me to realise that this time its finally over. I want him to miss me but the no contact thing didnt even work how can someone with so much feelings for you, switch them off and be stubborn, plus going out with another girl and pretending everything is normal when really its not I would be more than willing to be settled with him...i dont want him to get over me if he still loves me

[Ms Omaniac]

yeah...unfortunately...he sounds like a textbook case. people who go and come back...they do that with longer and longer periods of time gaps...and their returns are shorter and shorter.

 

i understand the no communication is REEALLLLLLLLLLLY hard...but it's the only option you have if you want to get better. until he resolves his issues...he is not relationship material. and HE needs to want to resolve it also...not just you. and the only way he will have that desire is if he loses or stands to lose a person he loves dearly. if you keep contacting him...he has no sense of urgency to want to get better...and maybe even will get more annoyed with you and the situation...and will then choose that life is much easier to not have to deal with it.

 

there is a reallllly good book you should read that will make you feel better that expounds on what i just said. when i get to the house later...i will post it on here so that you can look it up. the book is basically from a guy like your boyfriend who had these issues...what he did...why he did it...and his advice to females who are dating guys like him.

 

and i understand you needing advice even though youre getting a degree in psychology. i have several degrees...including my bachelors in psychology...and still cannot council myself. don't worry about that.

[coolchick]

Thank you so much! Your advice is greatly appreciated I really do need to bare with the no contact...ive decided to get myself away on holiday for a bit and leave my phone at home and have no access no email. With 2 weeks of that, it should be easier when i get home...im hoping anyways! Thanks again

[Ms Omaniac]

im glad you'll be going out of town. that will help you clear your head.

 

the book i was referring to...which will help explain in so much more detail is called "men who cant love. how to recognize a commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart"

 

you will feel MUCH better after you have read this. this book was written by a commitment-phobe and will explain your bf's action. he will give you advice how to handle it and what to expect.

 

good luck and take care.