I just found out my wife was raped 14 years ago.

[November15th]

I've been trying to block out the range of emotions I have been feeling over the past couple days, but I finally realize that just typing this out may be therapeutic in a way. I apologize for the length, there is a lot of information here. Anyways, on to the information:

 

My wife and I are highschool sweethearts. We've been together since 2002 and we've never been with anyone else. My wife had a rough childhood. Her parents separated when she was 4-5 years old and she lived with her mother who had a lot of emotional issues, and was very much mentally abusive to her. She coped with the abuse by blocking it out, forgetting it, and trying to be a happy child. She was kidnapped by her father when she was 5 but was safely returned. Skeletal scans show that she had a broken collar bone and healed out of place. From what she has gathered, this was from her father. Now she has multiple nightmares of our 3 children (12, 9, 4) being kidnapped.

 

For the past 2 years my wife has been suffering from a barrage of health problems. We have been to the emergency room dozens of times due to breathing problems, stomach issues, throat spasms and the inability to eat or drink. She was bedridden for 4 months but thankfully improved throughout the spring and summer. Last week she came down a really bad ecoli infection and fell really ill, anxious and (rightfully so) emotional. The thoughts of being bed ridden again triggered anxiety attacks, the medicine wrecked her stomach and she was becoming increasingly ill. We went back to the emergency room and they ran more bloodwork and sent her home. She spent hours in the bath to cope, and hardly slept more than a couple hours a night. The next morning she was very, very anxious, sobbing and having harmful thoughts. I consoled her and she said she needs psychiatric help.

 

Long story short she had an emergency phone/video interview with a psychiatrist. We were sitting in our car in the parking lot of the hospital after being discharged from the emergency room. She was discussing the issues of her past and then she said it. "Oh, and I was raped in 2006." It felt like my soul sank through the floorboards. She never told me she was raped.

 

In 2006 she had a bachelorette party. We planned a night where I went over to my buddies house and she invited her girl friends over to our house. She was 18 at the time and I was 19. I know, very young to get married but we have defied the odds and have always been happy together. That night it was only supposed to be my wife, her best friend and another girl friend at our house that night. I was over at my cousins apartment playing WoW, having a pretty mellow night just hanging out and enjoying each other's time. I maybe had a few beers and planned on staying the night. From what I learned, they polished off a bottle of tequila in drinking games. After all, she was having a fun night with the girls in the safety of her own home.

 

We live in a small town, and word gets around when someone's having a "party." Mutual acquaintances eventually showed up with some guy friends. My wife clearly stated NO GUYS and they all left, but the woman who arrived with the guys stayed. A few hours later after the booze had taken full effect, her and her friends were passing at this point. In a drunken haze my wife says the last thing she remembers is 5 guys walking through the door. That morning I woke up at 5am with dozens of missed calls. Rushed out the door and drove home. My wife was in the bathtub, hardly able to move and had a massive bruise on her left side from falling on her side on the edge of the bathtub (shower rail, on top of the tub). Her friend was helping her take a shower because she was covered in vomit. I spent the rest of the day taking care of her, and insisted on going to the hospital if she had alcohol poisoning. She refused, and later recovered. I didn't think much of it, just thought she had too much to drink.

 

Back to present day... After the phone call with the therapist she could tell I was shaken up. She said completely forgot she was raped, it was completely blocked out until she was talking to the Doctor. She shared a few details while it was fresh in her head, like she felt the trauma the next morning, but blocked it out. She also said her mutual friends made jokes for weeks about that crazy night, but she didn't even know what they were talking about. Her mind didn't want to remember anything. I told her I'm sorry, and it's not your fault. I got her prescription and we drove home.

 

This information absolutely wrecked me. She didn't know it was affecting me, I had to remain a solid rock for her mental health and the family. I kept telling myself - it was fourteen years ago. It's in the past. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with the most horrendous thoughts about the incident. What did they do to her? Why didn't I see those missed calls sooner!? I couldn't browse social media or reddit, everything was triggering these thoughts. I'm not even the victim! Why do I feel this way? Why didn't I protect her!?

 

If she would have told me I would have NOT been mad at her, she was raped, she is a victim of assault. I would have taken her to the hospital for a rape kit and followed up with STD tests. I know there are countless reports of women not reporting their rape, but I felt so enraged that the statutes of limitations have passed and NOTHING can be done to the attackers. After the video appointment she mentioned that the first recollection of that terrible night was right before giving birth to our first son in 2008. She was concerned about STDs and how it could affect the birth. Once again, she never brought this up.

 

This has taken me a few days to write and at this point she has been bed ridden for the past couple days after we got home from the hospital. I've been taking very good care of her, along with the kiddos. She started a new prescription for her mental health and helping her through the severe ups and downs. Last night she said she feels an insane amount of guilt. I asked her why do you feel guilty? She says it's the intense amount of extra workload, how it's affecting me, and the time I have to take off work again. I was honest with her and said the extra workload is nothing compared to the amount of emotions I am dealing with the recent revelations. She completely understood. She said that night is a black hole, it no longer affects her, but the fact that I am so distraught is a sign of how much I love her. And it's true. She said she feels worse about how I am coping with this, than that night. Her brain has completely blocked it out, and she doesn't know why - but that she's thankful for it. She was very sincere.

 

So I just really need an outside perspective on this. Am I dealing with this correctly? What more can I do to help her? She's had 14 years to process this, and I've had 4 days.

 

Thank you for reading.