Please, help me to get through this, NC

[mexicanfriend]

Hi,

 

I really need advice because I don't know what to do, I've tried NC but I break it on the 3rd day... I posted a message a week ago, my bfd broke up with me and we were engaged to marry next January, we were dating for almost 4 years.

 

The main reason is that he doesn't find me attractive anymore, since I've gained some weight, and eventhough that is a shallow reason and I tried everything I could to make it work (quitting my job, commiting to lose weight, begging, etc) he wants to "have fun with friends, meet new people, be on his own"

 

I just don't understand how that happened and he broke up with me by phone, he is in Mexico and I'm in Europe in a work assignment.

 

I'm going to see him next week, since I will go to pick up my stuff from the place that we got and started furnishing to live together after marriage and the day that I will see him it is gonna be exactly 1 month after the breakup... I don't know what I will do when I see him, I've tried so hard to be NC but I can't, I feel bad and ashame of myself because it is so hard and I just ended up calling him and begging, crying and asking why?!!

 

The breakup was so unexpected, 15 days ago the breakup day we went to buy our living room... I really want to move on, but it is so hard, I thought that he was the ONE and after being with him 4 years (first bfd by the way) I just don't know how to keep going with my life.

 

He and his family were hurting my selfesteem telling me I was fat, not attractive, I let myself go, I gained weight, he felt ashame of me, etc... After the broke up I lost already a dress size because I can't eat, I just pick food but cannot eat it...

 

I just can't understand how if he loved me that much to ask me to marry him, how can he leave me because of my looks and despite the fact that I love him and would do anything to make things work, which I told him and his response was so cold like if I was selling something, he just told me "No thanks, I really want to meet new people and have fun with my friends" but I still love you as the wonderful person that you are but don't work for me as a couple.

 

I'm in a lot of pain, I tried to keep a strong appearance, because my family is so worried about me, but the truth is that is really hard... I'm not able to keep the NC for more than 3 days, in Easter he came over to Europe to visit me and we had such a great time, I uploaded the pics on the Internet and sent him the link, he does not even reply to my e-mails or have seen the pics.

 

It is hard to call him but I can't help, everytime that we hang up the last thing he says is "good luck" like if I was a stranger...

 

He told me that there is no one in his life, but he just don't love me anymore, but he wasn't a man enough to tell me looking in my eyes, or to give me a sign that this would happen. The signs that he gave me were indirect (buying workout videos, telling me joking if you don't lose weight that means you don't love me...) and I thought that he loved me for the person that I am not how I looked...

 

I love him so much... Please, help me with your experience on what I can do to maintain the NC or to move on... I know that it is about focusing on myself but it is easy to say than to do.

 

Thank you so much for reading... I just needed to vent.

[providentielle]

I think that if he really loved you then he would have not broken up with you becuase of something as superficial as your weight. I agree that he was a coward in the way he broke up with you and in time things like this will make you realise that you deserve so much better than him. Seeing him again will be hard but it has to be done and it will be the first stage in the healing process. There is no magic cure to how you are feeling but I promise that in time it will get easier. Try to keep busy, it makes time pass quicker and you will learn to love yourself again by spending time with people who really care about you. I know that right now you feel as if your world has ended and you will never be happy again, that you cant eat or sleep and that you physically feel the pain of losing him and all you can do is keep reminding yourself that in the long run this is making you a better person and that it wont always be like this. One day you will be able to look back and see that this relationship taught you so much and you will be able to use those lessons in a new relationship. I know its hard and nothing and no one can make it easier but remember that you are not alone and that it does get better. Good luck

[iamonlyhuman]

Sweetie, my heart really aches for you, I was with my ex for 4years, we did talk about marriage, but then he started seeing someone else on the side for 4 weeks.. I was like you the first 5days were the worst, didnt eat, couldnt sleep, I would wake up feeling severly depressed and start crying, cried every minute of the day and called him non stop and text ed him, begging and crying....

 

Now its 3 weeks and abit of our break up adn there has been little contact, he intiated most of em.... but this past week there has been no contact between us at all.....

 

Over this past 2 weeks, I have been doing Mood gym and trying to focus on HEALING myself, pushing myself to go out to visit friends to get him out of my mind....

 

Can I tell you this, i know it will hurt darling but HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME AND YOUR LOVE, he just isnt, I have only learnt this over the past two weeks, it hurts but you got to tell yourself thats HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU and YOU ARE BETTER than this, you need to keep your DIGNITY in this.

 

Dont call him, it will just push him away and make you look more insecure about who you are. NC him to heal and if you really want him back... he will come back if he wants you and if he sees that you are not calling him then he might show interest again but PLEASE PLEASE use this NC only to heal so if he does try and intitate any conversation with you, you are a stronger adn more confident person and will be able to take rejection if it happens again in the future.

 

I really feel for you as I am still hurting alittle but I have learn't to except that he didnt RESPECT me or really VALUE the relationship. You need to ask yourself valid questions as to why the break up happened, if it is becasue you put on weight, then he is not worth it. LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.

 

Dont contact him so you can focus on YOU, its all about you girlfriend, you are pretty, unique and strong and you will be on top. Dont stoop to his level and call him it will just make you seem more insecure and unattractive to him. NC him from now on, you will get through this, I am getting through this and alot of other people on this site are, so you can.

 

Good luck and keep your head up ok.

[LostAngel]

Hi mexicanfriend

 

I want you to stop for a moment & think about this...

Don't you think you are worth more than this???

 

If this man really loved you --He would not break up over these reasons.

This man needs to realise what he has & the only way his going to do this is by you going NC and him seeing what life is without you and what he may be losing.

 

I'm going through NC too at the moment and I know how difficult it can be. I was with my ex for 7 years. You can read my posts if you like.

 

I know its easier said than done...but you need to stay strong. Don't worry too much about going to see him while picking up your things.

 

You need to go into NC from this moment. (COMPLETELY) The only time you should break it is -Next week when you should arrange things with him to collect your things.

 

You need to get your self together for this---It is going to be hard but you just have be as strong as you can. When speaking to him stay calm & just keep the conversation friendly and keep to only about arranging to collect your things -Keep it light & short (You must end the call)

 

On the day you go to see him, you need to look your best (no matter what he thinks), you need to stay calm, say HI & get your stuff together. Don't bring up anything about you or him or about your relationship. Don't show your weakness by crying or begging. Just be friendly and try to keep it short.

 

You need to show him that you are worth more than this. That you deserve more than being treated this way. You need to not let him have this power over you.

 

Once you leave -say goodbye & Thank him for letting you get your things.

 

 

From that moment back to NC (COMPLETELY).

 

You have to see this as the beginning of showing him your true worth.

 

 

I hope you are doing okay & that I'm helping you.

 

 

 

Try to keep strong.

 

 

 

LostAngel