How can I get over a 3 year relationship and remain friends?

[In_pain]

I have recently split from my boyfriend 2 weeks ago, it was a mutual decision, as we didn't have a future together. We knew this when we first started going out as we are both different religions and have different way of life, but we thought we would be able to handle it.

 

We've been going out for 3 years and I always knew it was going to end but I didn't think about it, I always thought that he would convert for me if we decided to get married, as he doesn't follow his religion at all whereas I do to some extent. We have spoken about children and we have different views on how to raise them. I love him so much and I always use to think about the fact that I am holding him back because he could be out there and actually be with someone he has a future with. But he always said to me he knew what he was doing.

 

It was only recently that I actually started thinking about the future, we both love each other so much, but going on with this relationship would make this harder to get over. So I made the decision to end it. He agreed as I think he had been thinking about it for some time too as we have had this conversation before, but this time it was for real.

 

I feel so lost without him, like some part of me has been ripped away, he is coping fine, he has always been strong. He says that he always knew it was coming and has come to terms with it, we still love each other but this was the right thing to do. I want to stay friends with him, but I keep thinking that he will forget about me or won't have time for me when he gets a new girlfriend. He was such a big part of my life, I would always lean on him, he helped with everything, and so now I'm thinking when I have a problem can I still call him? He says I can, and I can still come round for dinner and stuff, but can I really do that?

 

When will this hurting stop, I have been crying for 2 weeks non-stop, I have started eating again and sleeping better which is a good sign, but the pain I am feeling is so strong. I don't ever want to loose him, I think about him constantly, I try and keep myself busy. I know I shouldn't but we still speak and I saw him yesterday after 2 weeks. He is coping fine, but is annoyed at the fact I keep asking him the same questions over and over again, does he still love me, is he still hurting, does he miss me, will he ever forget me, etc etc why do I ask these questions, why do they keep coming into my head

 

How will I get over him and start to move forward with my life, I want to stay best friends with him, but I'm scared that if I distance myself from him to give myself time to get over him he'll forget about me and we won't have that close relationship anymore. He says that we will drift apart and I have to come to terms with that, but how can i?

 

He was the one, and I can't imagine my life without him, how will I ever find someone like him, how will I get over him? This is the hardest break up , as we both didn't want to split up but we had to, there is absolutely no future for us. I really need to know if someone has been through something like this and how they coped. I need to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can still be friends with him.

 

thanks

[sonjam]

In pain, However difficult it is, you will HAVE TO initially distance yourself from him, otherwise you will never get better. Stop worrying about the fact that you think he will forget you. A person does not just forget a relationship of 3 years. YOu have to stop focussing on him, and start focussing on you.

 

Read all the comments posted here about No Contact (NC). IT works. You have to stop the contact for the wounds to heal, and then, after awhile, when you both feel better, and stronger, there is no reason why you will not be best of friends, but definitely not right away.

 

How about breaking contact for awhile, and keeping busy with new hobbies, etc. It is the best way. Im sorry for your pain, even knowing beforehand the relationship is doomed, can not keep a person from loving anyway!

[In_pain]

Thanks, I know no contact is the best solution but I sometimes get panic attacks when I think of life without him which makes the pain even more how do i get over that. yesterday when i saw him we had a bit of a kiss and a cuddle which i know was wrong, but for him it was just that nothing else, it has no meaning which i find a bit hurtful, i know i shouldn't expect anything else, but when i think that i just have this huge urge to phone him and ask him why, did he kiss me because he missed me or just because he was a bloke and wanted some action.

 

I keep doing this to myself I have to stop. I shouldn't phone him should i? theres no need for me to know the answers to those questions is there? why do i keep having questions, and how can i control these panic attacks...

[shorty20]

I know exactly how you feel. My ex and I dated for three years, and mutually broke up because although we loved each other, it just wasn't right at the time. Since we had broken up and gotten back together numerous times before, he told me that we couldn't even talk anymore. I was devestated at the time, because I loved him so much! My friends were there for me, and got me to start going out again and having fun. It took some time! I still had to see him in the hallways on the way to classes, and it was very hard, but I pulled through, and you will too! I know at the time, you feel like you won't ever be able to love anybody as much, but you will! It gets easier. After about 7 months of NC with my ex, he gave me a call and said that he was ready to be friends again. He missed our talks and our car drives, and we are best of friends now! I don't know if this helps, but to tell you that there is hope... if you've been together for 3 years i don't think he will just forget about you. Guys have this thing with emotions. He may be acting like he's fine, but inside he's probably hurting just like you are. He may be trying to stay strong and hold his ground for your sake, so you guys don't drag this out any longer and get more hurt. I don't know, but I do think that NC is the best way to get over someone, and just know that you WILL find someone else who will love you just as much if not more than he has. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to PM me... Good luck!

[In_pain]

Thanks, I'm so glad you know what I'm going through. I would like to think that he is being strong for me, but he is a very truthful person and very blunt. he is over me, as he said, he always saw this coming to an end so was prepared for it which is why he can deal with it better than I can.

 

I can't imagine having NC for 7 months, thats so long, i can't even imagine doing it for 1 month, i just keep thinking if i don't contact him then he won't contact me, he hasn't contacted me once through this break up, i asked him not to. so if i don't contact him he'll forget how we used to be together and then he won't see the point in us being friends and telling me whats happening in his life. See I'm panicking again, I know everything I just said is so stupid and pathetic but I feel so lost. he did everthing for me, fixed my computer helped me through my job, now I feel like who can I talk to when I'm not happy in my job, he's not my boyfriend anymore so I don't have any right calling him and telling him my problems.

 

You are so lucky things turned out well for me, but what if they don't for me, has your ex now got a girlfriend, how do you cope with that?

 

My ex is a very straight to the point person he says things to me to help me move on but they are harsh and it makes me think he doesn't care. I want to stop thinking about him, i need to otherwise i will go mad, right now I don't care about anything, my job, my appearance, my social life or anything.

 

yesterday was a set back which shouldn't have happened as he hasn't contacted me at all. should I maybe go away on holiday for a while or is that a mistake and i should wait till i'm over him?

 

my heart is hurting, in my whole life i never thought this would happen to me and that i could control my feelings. whats hurt the most is when I was staying round his house 2 weeks ago 2 days before we split, i found 8 text messages on his mobile from another girl. they were so graphic. i confronted him and he told me they were from a month ago when we were going through a bad patch and we were on the verge of breaking up but we didn't and since then our relationship got stronger. he hadn't deleted those messages but he said nothing happened with the girl he swore to me but it just made him realise that there are girls out there he could have a future with.

 

those texts were a huge shock for me, that night was awful i threw up so many times (stupid i know they were just texts) and i couldn't see how we could go on from there and it just made me realise that what is the point of going on if there is no future, we're just holding each other back.

 

sorry for the long story I just need help with dealing with this situation i've never been through something like this before and i hope to never again, i can't imagine being with anyone if it isn't him, when does the hurting stop...

[Mopey]

I completey understand what your going through. After almost three years he told me he just felt it wasnt right. I thought we were but I had to respect that. Except he email me calls and wants me to heal from this to move on. I want nothing more, but it's hard because I love him so much. All i can do is pray and remember to breathe. unfortunately, I set up these lil goals where if I can go a whole day without contact. It's really hard and frusterating but I am going to try... If need be it change email names and not answer my phone. The fact that he tells me to heal, hurts becuase he wants me to move on. And why not? I put these notes all over my desk like BREATHE and THINK. It's true, it's best for no contact, I hope i can follow it too. Hang in there sister.. i have your back.. Oh i also do meditation, i do these mediations to heal and let me feelings go. Oh and i chant that i love myself, and that i am worth loving and i remind myself that there is always tomarrow. Trust me I know the pain your feeling... it's hard. We broke four weeks and I can't believe i am still standing.

[plasticheartsandsmiles]

i know EXACTLY where you're coming from. my ex and i broke up about a little over a month ago and it makes me want to throw up thinking about him not being in my life again. like you, this boy was my very best friend and i talked to him about eveything in my life. he did the same with me. i cannot imagine another person ever taking his place. theres not another boy i want. he is THE one and i know that.

 

anyway, what im doing is just trying to play it cool and lay off for awhile. i dont know if i'd go 100% no contact. maybe you could talk to him like once a month or something, just to say hi and see how hes doin. b/c you know, theres no point in acting like you dont care about him when you do. i'm all about being honest and doing what you feel and if you feel like talking to him one day, i dont see whats wrong with calling to say hey. but i do think you have to put SOME distance there or you really never will find closure.

 

i agree with what everyone else said. he will NOT forget you. you dont forget someone you share that much with. i thought that if i went NC with my ex that he'd forget me, too, but thats foolish to think such a thing. unless he has shock therapy, there will be no way he could totally forget about you. there will be daily reminders of what you had together, trust me. i'm sure its hard for him to get over you too. guys have a way of making things seem easier to handle then they really are

 

best of luck to you. even though things look grim right now, dont give up on love. its my philosophy that you should NEVER give up on something you care that much about. just give it time and see where things fall. feel free to PM me b/c i'd love to talk.

[In_pain]

thanks all very much for your support, i do appreaciate it a lot and it has helped me.

 

I am going to try NC for next two weeks as I have dinner with him and his parents on the 27th and then that weekend he his coming round to mine to install my new computer. which means after that i don't know when i going to see him which scares me. but i know i have to be strong and not think about him or what he is doing....

[socalguy123]

Hi there,

I've been broken up with my ex of 10 months for 5 weeks now. And I have to say, I know that it does get better, but right now I'm not feeling it.. I know 10 months is kinda short compared to everyone else's 3 years... But still! I haven't been in love with someone like that, for going on 10 years or so. I mean, I've dated around, had "girlfriends" for up to 6-months at a time. But the feelings I've shared with this woman--I wanted to have it all (marriage, life paths, kids). So, 10 years is a long time, and I've no idea if I'm the norm or not.

 

Anyway... My point is... I hurt. And terribly. When we broke up, we decided that we were best not together, due to the fact that there were certain attitudes and behaviors that we both had, that were driving us apart. (She has a lot of guy friends, but that's all you have basically in the Computer field). Anyway, I felt very self-righteous when we initally broke up, and very angry and betrayed (jealousy, *sigh*).

 

Finally, I thought I was over her, 3 weeks of NC later. Then I started realizing how much I missed her from my life, and also, things that I believe I could have been better. And then that was when the actual grief and mouring and sadness began. So now, I'm going through what I was basically in denial of for the first 3-4 weeks. I've already asked her back with a promise of change, but she's moved on, and feels we should stay with being separate. But she wants to continue being friends. I'm not sure I'm ready for this, but I miss her so much, and I can't help write about this when I should be working---BLEAH!

 

It hurts because, I cant' sleep til 2-3 am, and I wake up at 5-6 am, unable to sleep, I feel like my heart is ready to burst out of my chest any time. I wish I could cry, but I just can't, except for the one time I saw her earlier this week. It felt soo goood. I could have stayed in her arms (yes, we cuddled damnit!), forever. And she smelled so good, and she felt so right. And then I had to go home, and driving home I had the most negative thoughts.

 

Feelings of rejection, fear, anger, and my inferiority complexes took over, and man--I just about went insane. I miss her so much, and she misses me too, which is why she wants to continue being friends. But I know I can't handle her being a separate entity, with my fear of losing her. I can't handle it any time soon. It takes me so long, and I have to admit--damnit, I question myself every day now. I mean, I'm 34.5 years old, and I just don't want to wait til I turn 43 before I find another great love of my life. And I've loved her so much, and I've loved her so well, I just want us to repair what we had lost, and come back together. I mean, we talked about marriage and the whole bit. AUGHGHHH!!!!!!!

 

Is it stupid to hope she'll come back to me? Is there a way to get her back? I've read posts upon posts from other folks, on how to get an ex back. Maybe fate is sealed.. I donno. but for now, all I know is I'm in great pain....

[In_pain]

I know its really hard but you have to think do you really want her back? think of the reasons that you broke up in the first place, by getting back won't those reasons reappear? do you think you are panicking because you think you are 34 and won't find love again because if that is the case then you're wrong because you will. I know you said it took you 10 years to find love but now that you know what its like I'm sure thats cahnged you for the best and meeting someone new in the future won't be hard.

 

if you are willing to change to make things work, she has to aswell, I'm sure the pain caused wasn't all from one side. taking all that into consideration and you still want her back, right now all you can do is be her friend give her space. you need to give yourself some space to and go NC again.

 

I know its very hard trust me. I really do want my ex and me to get back together but there is no way in the world thats is going to happen as we both have a different look on the future. although we both want each other it wouldn't have worked and it hurts a lot as he is the one,but I'm sure, I'm hoping that my future will turn out for the best. but just thinking about the future makes my heart beat faster and I start to panic thinking life without him means nothing but I have to put a block on those thoughts and take one day at a time and thats what you should do.

 

Life at the moment is very hard, I can't even concentrate at work and its affecting my performance which is bad, because he's not letting it affect his and why should I??? you have to keep yourself busy and you know what the best thing at the moment is - gym. it helps you relax and think more clearly. you have to try and sleep also an eat well. i've started to sleep better now and also eating proper meals, it does help, to get on with your normal routine.

 

I hope all does work out for you, PM me if you want to talk..

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

In pain if you love him so much why does it matter what his religion/or yours is? I don't even think religion should exist, but if it does, there is no good reason why it should interfere with an otherwise happy relationship.

[In_pain]

Religion is big part of life for someone who believes in it and follows it, and to give it up is a very big thing. When I have children I would like them bought up the way I was, I am willing to compromise to a certain extent if it means I have future with my ex. But he doesn't want me to do that, because its a big commitment and if I do, then he feels if things do go wrong in the future it would be his fault.

 

Also my family plays a big part in my life, if I did marry him without him converting they wouold be very disappointed even to the point of disowning me and I can't loose my family. it would be a very very big change in both of our lives especially mine. and i think that is too much of a change for him to take.

 

I would have to have given up my whole life to be with him and he didn't want me to do that.

 

Its nearly been the end of 3 weeks now and the pain still hasn't got better I really am looking forward to the day it does...

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

If your family would disown you because you married somebody of another religion than they aren't worth having in your life. You are letting them have that kind of power over your thinking?

Ultimately the children are gonna make their own decisons as to what they believe when they become adults. And remember, much of what you believe is because of how you were taught. There is something very prejudiced in that thinking.

You might be losing somebody that later you will really regret for very bad reasons.

[In_pain]

I hear what you say, but for someone who thinks religion should not exist it is hard for you to know or comment on how strongly I feel about this.

 

Religion is a bit part of my life and so are my parents, yes you are right in saying what I believe has to do with the way I was brought up, but I am prepared to compromise and so should my ex. I know that children once they are adults make their own decisions but parents need to raise them when growing up to help them later in life make those decisions whatever they are, and if we have different views on bringing them up and I'm the only one who is compromising then there really is no point.

 

Yes I might be losing someone who is the one for me, but I can compromise only so much on my side to be with him. He has to be willing to compromise too, which I don't think he is, which makes this the end. We do love each a lot but apart from religion there are other obstacles in the way and we're fighting a losing battle and after so much it gets tiring, my energy is at an all time low. I need to move on and I can't if I keep thinking and am being told he might have been the only one for me and I might regret it in the future.

 

Thank you for your views Napoleon Bonaparte, but I can't keep having these 'what ifs' if I am supposing to be moving on. Even if I wanted to get back together with him, that moment has passed and all I can do is look ahead to the future.

[socalguy123]

So, after some venting, and reading the great supporting messages from everyone here--I have to say: "STick to your guns, In_pain!" Religion, belief, family, love, and views on child-raising--these are all the deepest values we hold dear, the threads of the tapestry from which we we weave our lives. (damn, too hokey/poetic)

 

I would compromise, but only if the other person would as well. Seeing as your ex was never in the same boat as you, i.e. commitment-minded, you are doing the right thing by wanting to keep your values. You change one of those pillars that are a part of your core foundation, you had better have a good reason, and so should he. You're right, there comes a certain point where there are no more "what ifs". It's just a matter of time, rebuilding yourself, doing new things, reorienting yourself. In time, if you're faithful to yourself, you'll have built new memories, and this whole thing will no longer be a "what if" or "why not". It'll be a "back then", and even further down the line, maybe good for a smile and a word of wisdom to your own dear friends.

[yasmina]

well im very much in the same boat as u...my bf and i are different religions...he is muslim i am catholic....we have been together for 3 years...his parents hate me...and we have broken up many times because of this reason...tonight his parents really put the hard word on him to leave me and go overseas and get married....i think its the most ridiculous thing in the world for a love to be torn apart because its not 'acceptable' for u to be together. He doesnt want to break up and nor do i...but i also dont want to be the reason for his parents never talking to him again...and u might think oh they love him they will get over it...they wont...they are extreme..its their way or nothing...am i doomed to be depressed and alone for the rest of my life?...i dont think so...and either are u....it does get better...even though u feel like shrivelling into oblivion now...u will be better...and u will love again and claim that u never loved like that before....itts the first few months that either make u or break u...remember...pain is weakness leaving the body

[In_pain]

Yasmina, thanks so much for your post. I honestly thought my situation was unique. My ex like you, also doesn't want to be the reason that my parents stop talking to me, he doesn't want us to have to go through this much pain to be together and anyway we both have known from the start there was no way we could be together unless he converted (he doesn't follow his religion - Church of England). You seem to be really strong about this which is great, I just can't seem to stop hurting and i just keep thinking we have to remain friends, we MUST remain friends, we've been through so much not to.

 

I know this sounds extreme but what about if you convert or if he converts will his parents still be angry? You seemed more clued up about dealing with this than I am.

 

My ex I believe has already forgotton what we had and shared, when he called on sunday there was tension on the phone, is this normal? he also was distant, it just hurts a lot as he was my best friend and he knew all my secrets and i just don't want to loose him. why doesn't he hurt like I do, its been 3 weeks and i need to be over him, as he feels I should have stopped hurting by now.

 

You just have to think, if you stay together forever you will always have his parents hating you, especially if he is their only son, then you have to think about raising children, is he a strict muslim? there are so many factors that will affect you and him, and thats what I have to keep thinking to myself when i get depressed about us.

 

You're right we won't be doomed forever, I just wish I could fast forward to the future.

 

PM if you need to talk....