Purposely Stopping the 'Falling In Love' Process

[mercury25]

Does anyone think men/guys would and do purposely stop something from progressing into "falling in love" in order to get their life/career/spiritual path going first? I know that accomplishments, success, and career are more important to men than they are to women, which is why I ask. And I have heard from at least a few men themselves that career/success/accomplishment is their #1 priority before they can even think about falling in love. This is unfathomable to women, like myself, cause we generally believe that love & relationships are a priority!

 

My interest in this question stems also from the fact that my ex-boyfriend, who little by little distanced himself from me over the past 2 months, never wavered in the level of affection he had for me and the amount of attraction he showed toward me, but yet he distanced himself. He praised me as a person all the time, and was always so grateful that I was me and that I was in his life. And he had said previously that this time in his life wasn't a good time for him to be in the 'falling in love' thing. He said he needed to be in a different emotional state in order to get his life going. He had written me several emails over time about where his life was headed, his spiritual path, his desire to be an artist, and said because he still had a lot left to prove in life, he would, if he had to, 'drop everything' in order to prove himself and redeem himself for past missteps along the way.

 

I wonder if one can really "buy" this?

 

I mean, it seems totally plausible. But I wonder...anyway...is it true, or is it just a well put-together excuse to get out of a relationship?

 

In the case of my own situation, there are things about him/his actions which I won't bother to mention which support what he said, and variables which do not support his general reason. So naturally I'm still baffled as to the veracity of his reason for needing to break off.

 

But anyway, what are your thoughts on this *in general*? Would lots of men, determined to get themselves established in life/career, stop themselves mid-relationship from getting to the point of commited/serious/falling in love?

[lusitana]

Both men and women do it. Personally, my 5-year-plan is to a) graduate and b) move far, far away. A guy would interfere with both of those, so I'm definitely not looking. However, if a guy falls out of the sky into my lap one day, well, who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?

 

So that's where the thing with your ex confuses me. I'm assuming you weren't clingy or demanding, so what would his problem be with keeping you as his girlfriend? Does he put every waking second into his art and meditation? Did he see you as a distraction?

[NorthStar90745]

i can assume that this guy is about your age right?...if he is then he should be thinking about settling already...finding a potential mate...if hes distancing himself from you then theres probably something wrong...confront him..ask him..if hes younger then he may have an excuse for "career, spiritual search..."...whatever. but at thirties..i dont know..you really should ask him

[HajiMaji]

Um, well none of my boys have ever said that durring a relationship, but a few have decided to put off relationships until they were settled in a certain aspect of thier life. Ill tell you what, my ex girlfriend was like how you describe your ex. I think they just arent comfortable with certain aspects of thier lives. Thats not your fault.

 

Heres how i see it: He wasnt 'trying' to make up a lie to get outta the relationship, but most likely he wont get certain aspects of his life on track and will get another girlfriend till he feels like he isnt what he wants to be and do the process over once more.

[seren]

HajiMagi can you explain our answer again, because i didnt follow it. im confused what you meant?

 

anyways

I often wonder this also, as i have been given this reason as to why we were breaking up.

 

how long were you and your bf together? how old r u?

 

my ex also is EXTREMLY convincing that what he said as his reason is true. befre we were together he would always be up late studying, obsessing over exams and his potential future career.

 

after gettin to know him i found out through him, and through people who knew him that in his past he suffered very bad depression moslty from severe low self esteem, hence his need to BECOME someone to AMOUNT to something somehow meant he would be proving to himself his own worth. he used to work out all time, puttin o weight etc to be someone he could like.

 

maybe ur ex is like this also. i really do believe that u need to love yourself, who you are b4 u can honestly and totaly love, and who you are for some people includes your career etc. sometimes they feel that they cant give anything until they are where they wanna be. i believe my x felt this way.

 

reason u and i dont get it is because the way we see it is if u like someone wouldnt u want that no matter what?

 

i guess for some people particularly men, their priority is career, freedom etc b4 they can settle. the thought that they wont achieve this as long as they r with you takes over any love feelings they have.

 

smetimes they do try to love us even tho, but like my ex they usualy just realise you create distraction, they realise they cant do it, and realise the possible pain of continuing. In my rship with my ex he wa smy priority and i was his second priority as his first one was his studies etc.

 

i never hounded him for time, committment, nothing, although we were fairly committed n serious. i was very understanding, but yet in end he still felt the need to break first, the need o get his life in order b4 he could get serious with me. 'serious' as in priority, marrige n all the rest.

 

i was with someone once when i was young, 18, i was SO in love but always worried about how if he was the one, how that was it, i would get married to him n that be it, no life of my own etc. it was scary n sometimes made me doubt the rship.

 

i think its like that for them. guys do tend to think with logic more then emotion. but i dunno. generalisation can b dangerous also.

 

I guess its like this.....you love your bf but you also want to live your life while your young....you feel you wont get another chance at having fun while your young, just like they feel the urgency to get their career in order, soon enough the fear and urge to do whatever it is you DONT have at the moment will take over the 'good' feelings of what u DO have, and so you bail out to get what u feel your missing.

 

i guess it boils down to the fact that the career thing is more important to them then us. but why is that? because they dont love us? because they dont care?

i dont htink so, i think its because feel they have to do that beofre they CAN allow themselves to fall in love, they think they cant fall in love anyways before doing that because they will always worry about how they didnt do it.

whereas if they do the career thing first they can fall in love after n everything will be fine. a win win. they may loose you though but if the didnt they would have lost the career and if the did choose you they feel they wouldnt have been able to do it anyways.

 

i guess they dont think they can be ready to be with you util they do this first. not the other way around.

but i dunno, i dont really get it.

but i cant be sure.

[mercury25]

Seren, good thoughts. Thanks to you and everyone else. I don't have time to reply at length (but I will later). Here are the answers to some ?s I saw:

 

1) He's younger than I by four years. I'm 31, he's 27. I think he's kind of in limbo as far as age. Getting life together is a good reason, yet he's getting up there too (going on twenty-eight) to where just starting a relationship to cultivate over the next two years shouldn't be out of the question. I never asked him to get super-serious right away. We were somewhat emotionally serious, but I wasn't asking him to do the whole 9 yards - not even close to that - any time soon. I was content with just being close and exclusive for a while.

 

2) We were together 5 months. Not long, but we got close pretty fast.

 

3) No I wasn't demanding or clingy. I made sure to keep my activities going and keep things in perspectve. Whatever level of clingy or time-demanding I was, was only to the extent that it matched his. That is, up until he distanced himself.

 

Gotta go. Will reply more later. Thanks again, and more comments welcome...