A difficult situation

[captain]

Hello,

 

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate the advice you have given me.

 

I spoke to my g/f today and she wasnt feeling very well. She had been sick all day today and put it down to too much alcohol last night (I didnt give her much sympathy as it was self inflicted, and besides she wasnt bothered last night when I felt faint) I asked her if she received my 2 texts last night, and she said she received one of them, but read it when she was drunk (hence no reply?) I must admitt, I did get a little annoyed and said 'ah doesnt matter, i've never had a g/f thats really bothered to text me much anyway' to which she said that she felt guilty.

 

I also discussed with her about how I dont want to be messed around (as she knows i've had that done plenty of times) and quite oddly, she was very understanding and said that getting messed around is awful, and that she understands im insecure and that she will try to make me feel secure. I was abit shocked, but I don't know how safe I feel. I want to be happy with her, but I really don't want to run the chance of getting hurt. I don't want to screw things up, but I dont want to get screwed over.

 

She again said that this guy is just a friend and that nothing will ever happen with them. I just don't know what to believe really. Whilst we was discussing all of the above, she was getting annoyed with me because I was talking to female friend.... so I don't know, it's very confusing for me.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, I appreciate it.

[DN]

not clear why you get annoyed at her talking to this guy and yet you let her know you are talking to females

[captain]

Perhaps I didn't make that clear.

 

The only reason I told her I was talking to a female friend of mine was simply because she asked if I was talking to anyone and who! The girl I was talking to is just an online friend, nothing more. The difference is, is that the guy my g/f goes clubbing with 1) fancies her 2) she consistantly texts him everyday.

 

Hope I made that abit clearer for you.

[Dannysgirl]

When my husband and I first got together we had an LDR for a year while I was finishing university. I used to like going clubbing with my flatmates once a week as I love to dance and that was the only reason I would go.

 

However my Husband did not understand why I wanted to go as he hates going to club and didn't understand the appeal. We had quite a few arguments about it at first but I assured him that I was completely faithful, was not wearing skimpy clothes and was going to the student union rather than frequenting 'meat market' type places.

We came to a compromise and I promised that I would call him before I went out to let him know where I was going and with whom, I would also call him as soon as I got in to let him know I got home safe and to tell him about my night. I also promised that I would not get drunk when I went out.

 

Some people might say that he was 'controlling' me or something because we decided to do this but that is not the case, every relationship requires compromise and you need to show that you respect your partner enough to do so if your behaviour is upsetting them in some way.

 

From reading your posts it sounds to me like both you and your girlfriend are guilty of trying to make the other one jealous. She keeps telling you about texting another guy and you are IMing with another girl when she is on the phone with you! It really seems like this is the case because you know how insecure she is about you IMing with other girls and yet you still tell her you're talking to other girls when you are the phone with her. I think its your subtle way of getting her back for texting that guy. If this is the case you need to realise what you are doing and stop doing it. How do you expect her to stop making you jealous when you are doing the same thing to her?

 

Couldn't you get off the internet for a few minutes while you speak to your girlfriend? I believe you when you say she's a friend but it really isn't very respectful to be carrying two conversations on at once.

 

As for your girlfriend and this other guy well you need to tell her point blank that it bothers you and ask her to stop texting with him for the sake of your relationship. If she really does value it she will understand that and take the neccesary steps to extricate herself from this guy or at the very least text him less often.

 

You really need to think long and hard about this relationship and whether you are both committed enough in the long term to make it work.

 

Good luck!

[captain]

Hey,

 

First of all, i'd like to clear something up. When I was talking to my g/f, and also talking to my (female) friend, both conversations were online. So I wasn't being disrespectful, sorry I didn't make that clear. I'd also like to make it clear that the only reason I told her I was talking to my friend was because she asked 'who else are you talking to?' to which I told her. I believe in being honest, and I wont lie. I've even got into the habit of saying 'I'm talking to..... shes just a friend of mine that lives up in...' I thought that might help her a little, to atleast know who i'm talking to, so that she doesn't have to think i'm hiding something (as I have nothing to hide) I sometimes also tell her, in the same sentance, that I love her and that she shouldnt worry as my friends are only that and will never be anything else (this usually cheers her up alot) however, do you believe the alternative solution, which would be to not mention any of my female friends, would be the better route to take?

 

We had abit of an argument a few nights ago, but we also got to clear the air about a few things too, which has enabled us to understand eachother alot better. She seems very adament that the guy she texts is a friend and always will be. We have been getting on alot better since. last night we spoke about how we felt about eachother 4yrs ago and asked eachother why it took us so long to get together. She also said she wanted stability in her life and that she still sees herself coming to live with me soon, as thats what she really wants, to be with me.

 

Regarding the clubbing, I see thats quite an interesting thing that you had going with your partner. We don't usually have much contact on the weekend because I do alot of my flying then, and when i'm home she is out clubbing on a saturday night, and staying at her female friends house on sunday. It would be nice to have a conversation with her when she gets home from clubbing, but she doesnt usually get in until 4am (usually partially drunk) and i'm most definitely in bed then as I am flying on Sunday. I guess we will have to try and come up with some compromise?

 

Thank you for your advice and information, I am very grateful.

[Dannysgirl]

Perhaps your girlfriend could agree to keep her drinking in check when she goes out? You don't HAVE to get drunk to have a good time and I found that I had a much better time when I went out when I controlled my drinking. It also made me feel better when I spoke to my boyfriend and he could tell that I was still very much in control of my faculties and was not worried that anything untoward had happened.

 

As far as compromise for you, I really think that you and your girlfriend need to set up a time to IM when it is just the two of you. Put your IM on invisible so that your other friends don't know that you are online and talk to JUST her for a while. I'm sure she will appreciate the gesture enormously and you can always talk to your friends another time or when she gets offline. This will make her feel much more appreciated and special and will bring you closer together.

Basically when she asks 'who else are you talking to?' she is asking for the response 'nobody but you honey' and to be honest I really think that should be the case for the majority of times you IM with her because its very difficult to continue two or more conversations at the same time and if you're talking to other people there is going to be long pauses while you are replying to other people and that can affect the flow of a conversation and be extremely irritating.

It can also give the impression that you don't really care about talking to her if you are engaged in other conversations.

 

I'm not saying that you have to cut off all your friends and give her attention every waking minute but just to make some time for her and JUST her every relationship needs 'just us' time whether its online or otherwise and I am sure she will love you all the more for it and you will become closer as a result.

 

 

I hope that helps!

 

 

[captain]

Hey

 

Yes, I agree my g/f should take care when drinking. She was very sick on the weekend due to drinking too much on Saturday night, however she did say she wont drink as much ever again (but she has said that before) I did ask her to be more careful and she said she would, so we shall see. I think that maybe shes going through a difficult period. In the last few years many guys have messed her about, and last year, a day after my birthday, her father died because he drank alot while suffering from diabeties. I think maybe the clubbing, and drinking, is a kind of escape for her? I do try to tell her to take care on the drinking, but I think she doesnt really listen because she knows that I don't drink alcohol at all, apart from a glass of champaign or vodka and coke on very very rare occasions (once or twice a year if that) I know she has low confidence too, so I guess in a way, all the guys that are after her, or try to touch her chest..etc when shes out just increase her self-esteem and confidence? Is there any possible way that me and my g/f could have abit more contact on the weekends? We don't get to talk online because i'm flying on Saturdays and sundays (I dont get home until about 5 or 6pm) and shes out on saturday evening clubbing, and at her friends on sunday evening.

 

Ah yes, I see your point. For what it's worth, most of the time, when I talk to my g/f, I am not usually talking to anyone else but her. More often than not its her talking to her ex's (which I dont mind as much as she doesnt appear to like them very much) On the odd occasion (like the other day) I talk to her aswell as someone else (I can assure you in those situations my g/f takes priority still and all my friends online know that shes my gf anyway) An appear offline function does sound good, however it does not allow anyone to chat offline with MSN messenger. Speaking of when she goes offline, I often go too. We usually arrange to talk from about 7pm until 9pm, and then again at 11pm (she has to give a 2hr space for her sister to use the net) and when she goes, I go too because she has told me that she often worries about who I am talking to...etc

 

Thank you for your advice.

[Dannysgirl]

Hi,

 

The thing that concerns me about your relationship is the fact your girlfriend doesn't seem like she's really ready to put any real effort into it. You say that you return home at 6pm on weekends but she would rather go out clubbing than stay in and IM with you occasionally.

Is there any way that she could come and stay with you every other weekend and the two of you could spend some together? I realise you will only be there from 6pm on those nights but I'm sure she could amuse herself during the day. You could even take her out to a club one night so that you could get some idea of the reason she is compelled to go clubbing all the time.

 

Another thing that worries is the fact that she talk to her EX boyfriends when she's talking to you and this doesn't bother you???? If not, why not?

If my then boyfriend and now husband had IMed with an ex of his AT ALL nevermind while talking to me I would have kicked him into touch a long time ago and we sure wouldn't be together now! A certain amount of jealousy in a relationship is healthy, it shows that the person you're with actually cares!

So why don't YOU care?

 

I'm getting the distinct impression that this girl is extremely insecure and needs constant attention from men to make her feel good about herself which in my opinion is why she enjoys clubbing so much. I feel sorry for her about her father but she really needs to get her priorities straight. Why does she need all this attention from other guys when she has you?

 

Can you honestly see this relationship lasting in the long term? Do you want it to? It really seems to me that your girlfriend might be a little on the immature side and might not really be ready for a serious relationship. It also seems to me that perhaps you're personalities don't really fit. You seem a little more conservative than she is and perhaps you would be happier with a girlfirend who is more on your wavelength?

 

You both need to sit down and really talk about what you want for the relationship and if its to continue you both need to start acting like a proper couple and giving each other priority over all else and making each other happy.

 

I don't know why but there is something very wrong with the picture you're painting, it doesn't seem like either of you are really committed to making this work and the fact you don't get insanely jealous when she IM's with her EX's just blows my mind. How could you NOT be if you care for her as much as you say you do?

 

Do try to meet soon and talk all of this out because I really think its a case of sink or swim at this point.

 

Good luck and I hope you decide the best course for you both.

 

[Iceman26]

Hey,

 

You will both have insecurites as long as you keep talking to female friends online and she is hanging out with a bunch of drooling slobs every Saturday night. Why you are still with her, I have no idea, because what she is doing is worse than what you are doing.

 

Shes not dumb, but she has you thinking she is. She goes out for the attention and is very aware of the attention she gets. She probably thrives off of it. Look at the basic facts.

 

1) She saves her text messages for another guy who goes out drinking with her and likes her.

 

2) She shouldnt be going to clubs period if shes in a serious relationship. A taken woman doesnt want to put herself out there like that, unless shes not too keen on being taken.

[captain]

Hello,

 

I know, i've tried telling her that the clubbing is worse than me talking to some female friends online...

 

Yeah, she goes to the clubs every saturday night. I get home from my flying training at about 6pm, but by this time I think she is usually getting ready, or meeting up with her friend Helen to head off to the clubs at about 8pm. Like I said, I guess that this is just her escape? I'm not justifying her going to clubs as I hate them, but maybe the clubs are her thing, just as flying aeroplanes is mine?

 

I will suggest to her coming down once every other week or something and see what she says. I know she has college though, so I hope that won't cause a problem.

 

I've had this discussion with her before regarding to her talking to her ex's. It used to bother me, but I figured she used to tell me she was talking to them just to worry me (since I havent shown a worry over it, she hasnt told me shes talking to them) We did on a few occasions talk about it and I said I felt worried about it, she did assure me that she wasnt ever going to go back to them and never really held a proper conversation with them. To be honest, i've known her through all the b/f's that shes had, I know she is a loyal person, her ex's were quite terrible to her and so I would be very very surprised if she went back to any of them. This is why I tend not to be so insecure, because I know I definitely won't treat her like they have, and if she did leave me for one of them, then it would definitely be her loss.

 

Why does she need all this attention from other guys when she has you?

 

I really wish I could answer that, but I can't.

 

I would really like the relationship to last a long time. I agree with what you say, I am a much more conservative person to a degree (me and my g/f often joke about this) but I don't think that will disable the relationship from working. On numerous occasions over the last week she has said she really wants to come and live with me as she will feel much happier being with me and will have a better life. Of course, if she moved down here to the west country from Liverpool, she will obviously be a long way from her friend Helen and the guy she texts, which would suggest that all along maybe i've been too insecure? Afterall, she wouldnt want to live with me, if she didnt love me, and she wouldnt want to leave Liverpool behind where she grew up, if she really didn't want to be with me, would she? This also shows a sign of commitment, does it not? Of course I would be happy to go to a club with her if it makes her happy (either here or Liverpool) I know i'd hate it, but if it would make her happy, then i'm prepared to go. However, I also believe that to a degree I can show her that life isnt all about clubbing and getting drunk.

 

I do really want it to work, and like I say, i'm going up to Liverpool to see her in June.

[Dannysgirl]

Hmm I don't know about the moving in together thing. You said in an earlier post that she had had a row with a family member so that sounds pretty dodgy to me. The more you write about the realtionship the more I think she is just using you and stringing you along. I think you need to be very careful. Why does she want to take the huge step of moving in with you if she doesn't even want to curb her clubbing for the sake of the relationship. She doesn't appear to have thought it through properly. Moving in together, sharing a life and a home is a very serious move that requires very serious consideration. Sacrifices and compromises have to be made if it is going to work. Can you see this girl making the necessary compromises judging by her current behaviour? Will you be happy to stay in alone while she goes out to clubs with the new friends she makes?

I'm sorry to have to say this and I could be completely wrong but it is beginning to sound like your girlfriend may be stringing you along and the reason she goes out all the time is to see if she can find something 'better' also the fact that you have your own place I think is a big draw and if she wants an easy way to get out of her current situation then you might be able to provide that escape.

I know that her friend Helen and this other guy will not be there if she moves in with you but a leapoard doesn't change its spots. Do you honestly think that she will become more responsible and start treating this relationship a bit more seriously?

 

You really need to talk to her and confront her about all of these things. Don't tip toe around these issues because you don't want to upset her because if you don't find out now then you could be in for a rough ride later on if I'm right about any of this.

The best advice I can give you is to really listen to yourself, most people know deep down when something is right or not so listen to your intuition and hopefully it will steer you in the right direction.

 

Good luck.

[captain]

Hi

 

Thanks for the advice, but she decided she doesnt want to be with me anymore. She got really angry with me this evening and said it was over.

 

So i'd just like to say thank you for your advice, I really appreciate your help.

[Iceman26]

Hey captain,

 

Sorry to hear that, but I think you will be better off without a girl like that. I am sure you will find someone who will treat you right soon enough. Good luck.

[captain]

Guess I should correct this now, and tell you she said she didnt mean it and that she didnt want to lose me.

 

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate the help i've received in this topic. I just hope I can some day resolve all this.

[DN]

I just looked up 'indecisive' in the dictionary and there was a picture of a girl underneath it - is that your girlfriend!!

 

Hope all goes well from now on - good luck.

[captain]

Yes most likely

 

Cheers