Will this ever get better? (Sorry it's long)

[Wimpy]

I am going backwards not forwards. It will 5 weeks this weekend since my break up and in that time I'm feeling worse not better.

 

For those of you who don't know (and because it helps me) I'll recount the story. My ex was studying in this country, we started out as friends then for the past 15 months of his time here we were in a relationship. I was the best g/f you could have. I did everything I could for him - my family said I was doing too much but that's just the way I love. I helped him with anything I could and I thought we had a great relationship.

 

Looking back I realise that the warning signs of his lack of commitment were there but I kept thinking that I could change him (BIG mistake). He could never tell me for definite that he wouldn't want to end up married so I was prepared to carry on. He'd been here for over 3 years, only home on 2 occasions and after a fairly unsuccessful conversation about our future (which saw us split up for a few days) I decided to back off trying to pressure him, allow him to finish his PhD and give him my support instead.

 

I did that and we agreed that he would leave here as his visa ran out and then 10 weeks later I would come and visit him and meet his family. We agreed that neither of us would make any decision about the future until we saw how we were again after 10 weeks apart.

 

I helped him pack up his life here, took him to the airport etc etc and said goodbye. Watching him leave was HELL....I'd lost a load of weight and it was the hardest thing I think I've ever done but I trusted him that we would be okay and see him again in April. We'd had hours and hours of conversations about our future and I truly believed that a few weeks apart would give him time to realise that what we had together was worthwhile and real. However I should have listened MORE to his talk of not being sure he was "ready to give up his freedom" etc....still had more to do with his life.

 

I'm mid 30's - he was late 20's ... he knew that all along and it never bothered him. I've travelled all over the world but would do it all again as this time it would be different - travelling with your partner. He knew I was willing to give up my life, family, home, job etc here and go with him to start a new life.

 

Anyway, he went home and never followed through on any of the promises he made me before he left. It was like he no longer needed me now he was back with his family. 10 DAYS before I was due to visit he e-mailed me to break up but tell me that he wanted me to know that HE would still like me to come as "his friend".... but nothing more.

 

I declined and haven't recovered from the e-mail. It was harsh, cold and inhuman. It showed no degree of compassion for me or how it might affect me. In the past 5 weeks the only contact I've had with him is an e-mail I sent that reminded him of some of the things he'd said to me before he left "I know you have a right to expect something from me".... and in a very NON-vindictive or angry way simply told him how hurt and wounded I was and how I'd lost all my money ($1,200) on my ticket and how could he think that after writing that e-mail I'd travel half way around the world to be "his friend".

 

I didn't write an e-mail expecting a response - I needed to write and I hoped it would give me closure but it didn't and he never responded.

 

In the past 5 weeks I've had 3 weeks off work with depression. I've been back but I'm in sales and work predominantly from home on my own so I'm really struggling to get back into it. I spend just about every waking moment trying to figure out how someone could treat another human being so coldly and unlovingly. What I did was unconditional but I think I deserved more than that e-mail and him breaking his word to me.

 

I have thought about ending it all on more than one occasion NOT because I want him back but because what he did has wounded me so deeply I can't quite express it in words. To treat someone who's only EVER done you good and loved you so badly - how do you pick yourself up from that. I can't seem to find my way out of this constant loop of "how could he do it"?

 

I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I'm due to go away to the carribbean for a week next weekend with a friend for a week on a beach and I'm hoping that would help but I can't even drum up any enthusiasm for that.

 

I haven't really cried about this - apart from yesterday where I found myself crying so much I was shaking.

 

5 weeks on I wanted to be moving on with my life. He didn't deserve me and he doesn't deserve me ruining my life.

 

I don't know how to stop this and my head aches from trying to figure it all out.

 

I found out this week that he is still planning to return here in the Summer and attend his graduation. All through the tough times of hardly seeing him because he was so busy with his studies etc etc I dreamed of the time I'd watch him graduate and think "he's MY guy" and now I learn that he's still planning to come but of course I won't be there.

 

I don't want to become bitter and twisted but how can someone TREAT another person like that and just move on.

 

WHEN WILL THIS PAIN EVER GO AWAY.

 

Foz posted on here many months ago "Please help me I'm completely broken-hearted" and I feel exactly the same.

 

If this is what my life is now I don't want to live anymore and that scares me.

 

Sorry this is so long and pathetic.

[eva1218]

Dear Wimpy,

 

Almost reading your post with tears....

I feel so sad for you...once again...reading posts here remind me how I was in the past 9months.

 

It's only been 5weeks to u, you have a much much long way to go.

 

Just hang in there, let time to heal you which is the only thing you can do.

 

You would never know why and how can he did that to you.

When a person changed, he chagned.

Just let go of this love, you will have to keep trying to do so in the future...

weeks, months....maybe years.

Eventually, it hurts less by less........

 

Don't give up, I'm 8months ahead of u. It does get better......

(we were together for 5years LDR)

I feel how you feel, just we have different story...

My heart still broke...I tried best to let go him which didn't success so far, but I still try to make myself happy eventhough it is so difficult.

 

Don't give up yourself..

 

Eva

[eva1218]

Wimpy,

 

And u are not pathetic!

Although I said it to myself thousand times before, but we are not.

 

Eva

[hockeyboy]

I spend just about every waking moment trying to figure out how someone could treat another human being so coldly and unlovingly.

 

first of all..stop doing that. i realize and understand that you cant just stop..but it takes practice. force yourself to stop, to stop thinking about everything. do you workout, go to the gym? for a while with my ex, everytime i thought of her, i'd just go outside and run. i kept busy and did a lot of things which helped. i stopped feeling bad for myself and stopped letting others feel bad for me. i didnt want to leave the house but i forced myself to do it and when i did, i forced myself to smile. i wasnt happy...but it made others around me happy and in time (takes time) i began to feel happy again.

 

5 weeks seems like a long time, but its not that long in the scheme of things. realize it takes time and realize that your own happiness comes from you, not from him. bottom line..you almost have to teach yourself how to be happy with yourself.

[Wimpy]

do you work out, go to the gym?

 

I used to before all this happened - 3 or 4 times a week - I was just getting into nice shape. It was something I did before I ever met him so I wasn't doing it for him I was doing it for me but I've been twice in the past 5 weeks. I go and I just can't concentrate and although everyone tells me that's what I should do, I seem to struggle...

 

How did you MAKE yourself do it?

[hockeyboy]

same way i make myself rip a bandaid off.

 

i made myself just go out and do things even though i didnt want to because i knew in the long run it would help. long run over short run.

[Wimpy]

Eva

 

Thanks for your kind words - I am trying to keep going but it seems to be getting harder.

[loveseeker]

Sorry to hear you're suffering so badly. I'm giving you your motivational pep-talk and it begins. NOW.

 

This guy is not WORTHY of your heartbreak, Wimpy! In a few months, you'll realise that the days and weeks spent agonising over someone who could be so callous and indifferent were wasted. Stop doing it. Reason with yourself; he was careless with your heart, which says a lot about him and NOTHING ABOUT YOU!

 

Next: his ability to move on says a lot about him, too, but it shouldn't concern you. What YOU need to know is that you are missing someone you thought you loved (a man who probably doesn't even exist) and it hurts like hell. Right: so allow yourself to grieve, enjoy your time away and REALISE that your life is precious and that you deserve to be happy.

 

You didn't deserve to be treated badly. He was callous and indifferent; you bore the brunt of that, which is horrid. You should be thanking your lucky stars to be out of it so that you're free to live your life without this anxiety.

 

The Gym can wait 'til you get back. And for goodness sake... CRY!

[Luscious]

Sometimes people do things and we wonder how could they do this without thinking how it would affect the next person. When they pick up and leave without an explanation they leave alot with alot of unanswered questions, sometimes these questions may never be answered and then later on we tend to form our own answers. Sometimes when this happens it helps the wound heal much faster and realize how much that the person don't deserve us.

 

Yes whimpy he was inconsiderate and had no empathy at all but should he get the satisfaction to see you at your lowest point, shouldn't he see that yeah what he did hurt but life doesn't stop because of him it really has just begun because obviously he was only holding you back. Believe it or not 5weeks is a short time for a wound to heal but everyone wounds heal differently, it may appear that your feeling worst but as time goes on its gonna get better. But you have to help yourself, get up and do something about the pain go out and have fun do the things you did before he actually existed in your world...this will not stop you from thinking about him when you're alone but it will make you realize that you are strong and that you can get over it.

 

He's having fun and moving on so you do the same...I'm not saying date someone because he's doing it(if he is) but try and be finish with that chapter of the book, the book of your life.

 

You can do it, you just have to put your mind to it and believe that you deserve nothing but the best!!! O

[Wimpy]

Loveseeker

 

Thanks for the pep talk....everything you say is absolutely true of course but just so flippin hard to put into practice.

 

Luscious

 

You are right too - I don't want him to destroy me. I deserve more than that.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply...I guess I just really need some support today.

 

 

[loveseeker]

It's fine... I'm still finding mine hard, but it gets easier when you start to realise that you didn't deserve for him to treat you the way you did. The next step is allowing yourself to get angry over all the little things that you tolerated until you start seeing how worthless and creepy he really is. That'll put you off thinking about him, but getting out there and enjoying yourself will help you to forget!

 

Honestly: you're better off without someone who can't be straightforward with you.

 

Start listing all you're grievances and come up with some creative insults to describe his behaviour. It's good.