Is marriage the tomb of love?

[skywalker19]

I'm not so confident with my marriage. I feel that we are losing the excitement of love.

 

What can I do for this. I wish to be able to quit quarrels, how can I do it?

[arwen]

Hey skywalker,

 

I am sorry to hear you feel this way. I think if you are both willing to change the relationship and redirect it more positively, it's possible to find the love again. I don't believe true love can really go away. It can be covered by other things so you don't see it anymore, or it can become blurry because of conflicts, so it seems that the love has changed into something else. But I think the love will still be somewhere, you just need to see if it's hidden somewhere underneath.

 

Maybe you can give us some more information?

 

-What kind of quarrels do you have with your wife, are they big conflicts or petty fights about seemingly anything?

-How long have you been married?

-Do you have children?

-Does she have her own life next to being married to you (like with a job or her own friends maybe)?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[kungfumaster]

Dear skywalker,

 

It is normal I think that you lose the excitement - remember that with every relationship there is a honeymoon period and when that's over, then the "excitement" is gone. But the thing is, it grows into something more substantial I think - I don't know what it is because I've never experienced it, but I think it should grow into a more "mature love": this includes friendship love, romantic love, etc.

 

Also, I think quarrels are always going to be in your relationship for the rest of your lives. Its normal to quarrel. Every healthy couple I know quarrels - its just how you each of you handles these quarrels that makes or breaks you. My brother and sister in law always fight "fairly" - there's alot of emotion, but they are both very reasonable and relatively calm whenever they fight. Why do people always think quarrelling is such a bad thing?

 

My guess is that you are married to a Chinese man. Things are changing over in China. Women are changing and are able to adapt more faster than the men. With the growing economy in China, there is more freedoms and oppurtunities for women in China, and so their views are changing rapidly. This includes the "traditional" notions of a Chinese marriage. It looks more and more like a "North American" marriage if you permit me to say. So, whereas 10 years ago, if there were problems in the marriage, the Chinese couple would just accept it and "brush it under the rug" so to speak, and just try to live their married life as best as possible with these problems. Now however, I have found that the Chinese women do not accept this anymore (with my experience with couple of Chinese divorced women/friends), and more readily able to accept a divorce than to stay and try to work things out.

 

So, I say to you skywalker - good for you that you are asking these questions - ask them to your partner too - try to be open minded, and be patient with him - Chinese men are notorious for "missing the point" in relationships or certain behaviors their partners do to try to hint to thier partner that something needs changing.

 

Good luck and take care.

Kung fu

 

p.s: Please forgive me for my long observations. I hope it doens't offend anyone.

[sonjam]

Dear Kungfumaster, sywalker is a man, and he's probably married to a woman, not the other way round......

[kungfumaster]

Ooops - sorry skywalker. So, anyways, I say good luck to you - bring her some nice flowers - treat her like a queen. surprise her with a gift or something - just try to spice things up. maybe then the love will come back and there will be less quarrels (because she'll be so happy - and you too)

[myapril]

I have read a book,and there's a point in love is not the real love."

 

As the time goes by,after you two got married,maybe you don't feel as excited as when you were dating,it's because you just out of falling in love.But I believe that you have never want to lose each other,she means more than anything to you,and you do it in the same way to her!So that is TRUE LOVE!

 

Passion is playing a very important role in everything,of course for a marrige!But a wonderful marrige requests much more!Just remember it's such a "YUAN"(FATE)that 2 ppl can get married,being a couple!The really meaning of marrige is being TOGETHER,so be understanding,be sharing etc. etc...Don't only go after the"excitement"!

 

And talk to her,let her know all your feelings!

 

WARNING will never be recommend!I know it's also very"popular"in China!

[skywalker19]

Thank you all for reply.

 

Yes, I can't imaging if I would lose her. She's so important to me, but even I know this, I can't manage to give her much passion, she like to arrange much things for me, which makes me uncomfortable sometimes. What she care about is money, houseroom, travel etc. I have to satisfy her since marriage. I'm not meaning she is so fond of money, but what she like needs much money.Sometimes I just think I'm not got prepared with this marriage.

 

we've just married for one year without baby, but what makes me feel like a much longer time? Sometimes I'm really jealous with those old people that could keep their love so long!