The most confusing woman in the world.

[slw1]

The ex gf and I started out as just friends , she is a really good friend with a guy friend of mine. We started to hang out more and more and it was becoming obvious that there was attraction on both parts . Then one day she told me; she liked things the way they are right now , just as friends.So we agreed to be just friends.. I was a little disappointted but I really liked her just as a friend , so I was OK with it. A few days later we were hanging out at her place , we started wrestling on the couch and I kissed her , she kissed me back and we started making out.She then reminded me what she had said about just being friends ,but said" what the hell it feel so right."

 

We were together as a couple for about three months and we got along amazing , we had so much fun together. We had everything in common, and could talk for hour about anything. There was real strong connection , but I always got the feeling she was hesitant or nervous about the relationship.

 

She tried to break up with me one day , because she thought I was not commited to a relationship to her, I proved to her how much I cared about her and things were good for a couple of weeks .a couple of weeks later she broke up with me again and gave me some lame excuse and told me she didn't want to be involved with problems in my life,she kissed me before telling me this though .

 

So,she was calling me again a few days later and asked me back after a couple of weeks. We spent a couple of nights together then she started to avoid me and broke up with me again. this time different reasons. We were talking again a week later and she told me she wanted to be just friends like we agreed. I accepted this and tried to be her friend , but she was always giving me mixed signals (intimate touching).So,the being just friends bit was getting to me and I poured my heart out to her one day and told her I could not be just a friend.She told me she was not interetesd in me anymore, but she asked me out a couple of days later. She was holding my hand for the first time in two months and being very touchy around me, she was even hugging me. She invited me on a camping trip with her friends (guys).

 

She asked me to come camping with her, she was really enthuiastic (sp?) about me coming, and let me share her tent. The camping trip went Ok , but there seemed to be a little tension. So, after the trip she started to avoid me. until I called her up one day , she told me she was uncomfortable around me now and struggled to think of things to say to me .

 

After a couple of months of NC I sent her a birthday card, she absolutly loved it.She talked about doing things together again in the future.We were talking for hours again and even being flirtatious. She asked me out a couple of times and again invited me to go camping with her friends ( guy).

 

She invited a guy she dated briefly about a year ago. The first day I was a little weary of him ,but I started to talk to him the next couple of days,but he was a very quite guy and stuck to himself most of the time. Me and the ex had a great time , we were just being friends but she was paying more attention to me than the other two guys she even snuggled up to me around the campfire .I thought the trip went well. After the trip I started getting the feeling she was avoiding me again,but she was very busy and stressed over her graduate studies ,so I left it at that.

 

Now, after a few weeks I knew she was avoiding me , I just tried to be nice to her hoping she would stop avoding me, but after a couple of months It was starting to really bother me l'd see her around at the University swimming pool and she would talk to me and want to swim with me one day and ignore the next for no reason , I couldnt figure it out. So, I tried to avoid her,but she was always very friendly and talkitive to me, after a couple of weeks of not seeing each other .The longer we didnt see each other the more friendly she was.

 

A few weeks ago I called her to ask her why she was avoiding me.Her reason ;she did not feel comfortable around me because I was "cold" to her friend at the camping trip.That blew me away ,I thought we had an awesome time. She said she couldnt be with someone who was not nice to her friends. She told me I was always good to her ,and she had a lot of fun with me , but I was not friendly to others. I am a shy person and not the most outgoing person in the world but I am not unfriendly to people.I do try to be social, i just give a bad first impression with some people.

 

It seems like as soon as things get to close for her comfort she looks for any reason to get away from the relationship.She never tells me when something bothers her , she would rather just end the relationship. I have never once put any pressure on her , I never talked about relationship stuff, I always treid to keep it light and fun. I took things real slow .I always let her make all the first moves. She use to tell me that I was "different and not like other guys. I am just really frustrated now.

 

When we went camping we were "just friends". So why is it that her other friends are more important to her than me?

 

Any opinions on this please.

 

BTW she is 33.

[SPark]

I may be totally wrong here, but to me it seems that these "mixed feelings" people were often victims of abuse. I`ve never been abused, thank goodness, but I have seen enough of this among my students to think that the 2 must be linked...Maybe someone with more knowledge and background can help you better.

[tabytha]

WOw good spotting,

 

I was about to say that I'm shamefully a hot/cold chick too, then Jenifer Hermesmention the victims of abuse connection and again thats me. Someone needs to look into that.

 

slw1, you sound like a great guy, a wonderful guy who many woman would be lucky to be with. But don't think that just by being wonderful you can change other people.

 

I doubt this lady is intentionally trying to hurt you, she probably hounds herself in private for doing so. She flirts with you and draws you to her because by the sounds of it she is attracted to you, and wants to feel safe and happy in your presense. And you probably make her feel wonderful. But if, like me, she has been the victem of a bad past, sometimes the nicer the guy/situation the more we freak out and run. And we hot/cold people are very talented at making up every excuse in the book. 'i want to be friends', 'you're cold', 'you don't understand'. people like us long for that warm and joy that the rest of the world has, and sometimes we become terrible flirts because of it, but when things get too serious we shut down. Not meaning to hurt anyone, in fact often racked by guilt that we've caused someone else the pain we were trying to protect ourselves from. We don't mean to hurt people, we're really cowards at heart who have to act tough to protect everyone.

 

She may have been hurt by the very person she was supposed to trust, someone else who was supposed to make her feel safe but didn't. You learn to be on edge and aware. if a 'good person' (ex/parent/relative/friend) has betrayed that trust in the past it makes it very hard for us to get close to people in the future. Just when you start to feel close and safe to someone the little warning bells go off inside "beware, you've felt like this before and you know where that went".

 

Oh you can sit down a logically sort through things "I'm not like the person that hurt you", "I would never hurt you" and they would 'know' that you're telling the truth. But just as you learn at a young age to pull your hand away from flames so you don't get hurt, it's an automatic reflex to pull away from situations that have led you to pain in the past. It messes up your head and heart. I often call us the "pushmepullyou's" We flirt, seduce fall in love and burn out very rapidly.

 

chances are this young lady will continue to push and pull you until she reaches a decision deep inside herself. Somewhere that only she can reach. The best you can do is wait and support her and let her know she really can trust you. Or if thats too hard, be the strong one and walk away and look for someone less complicated.

 

Of course Jenifer and I could be way off and she could simply be a tease.... but things usually aren't that simple.

[SPark]

Tabytha, I`m SO glad that you replied...I often can`t do much more than respond with my first impresion, so I really rely on people who know from experience to call me on it if I`m wrong. Since I`m in Japan (and since I have the world`s most bizarre sleep schedule) I am often around when posts come in in the middle of the night...and I don`t want anyone to feel like no one`s out there, so I respond...but I feel comfortable doing so because there are others out there to read what I wrote and correct or flesh things out.

 

Your reply made a lot of sense, and takes into account the needs of both people concerned. Thanks for

[slw1]

Thank you Tabytha and Jenifer,

 

Tabytha , I really apreciate your insight. I hope things are better for you know.

 

I have always thought that she might have been hurt in the past,but do I ask her? After all we are only friends now. I am not even sure about that anymore ,she has decided to not talk to me anymore now. She gets really defensive when ever relationship talk comes up.

 

thanks

[SPark]

You might try telling her a story about someone you read about who was abused...not making any comparisons or anything, not asking her outright, just gently introducing the topic as something that you know a little bit about. You can read interviews with abuse survivors on the internet and get to know a little bit about it. Just introduce the topic casually sometime, and then change the subject to something else. Knowing that you are someone who is a little better informed than average about this, and also knowing that this is a topic that potentially *can* be discussed may make her think. The haunted house is a lot less scary in broad daylight. Once things hit the open air, healing can start, but sometimes it takes a lot of work and pain to get there. What you can do, in small ways, is show her that you care about her and that, in spite of the pain, it is still a beautiful world.

 

Best wishes to both of you.

[swiffer]

and she could simply be a tease.... but things usually aren't that simple.

 

hrmmm... lets see!

 

Before I even start. I know you had no choice who would respond to your post, but remember one thing:

 

MEN CANNOT TAKE ADVICE FROM WOMEN. Remember, you dont ask the headache why it is hurting you. It will only say "maybe you should bang your head against the wall"

 

 

These ladies MAY BE on to something. But one thing is true, take it from another guy. Very few people in the world understand women. Even other women.

 

But let me offer you an interesting perspective inline...

 

The ex gf and I started out as just friends , she is a really good friend with a guy friend of mine. We started to hang out more and more and it was becoming obvious that there was attraction on both parts . Then one day she told me; she liked things the way they are right now , just as friends.So we agreed to be just friends.. I was a little disappointted but I really liked her just as a friend , so I was OK with it. A few days later we were hanging out at her place , we started wrestling on the couch and I kissed her , she kissed me back and we started making out.She then reminded me what she had said about just being friends ,but said" what the hell it feel so right."

 

We were together as a couple for about three months and we got along amazing , we had so much fun together. We had everything in common, and could talk for hour about anything. There was real strong connection , but I always got the feeling she was hesitant or nervous about the relationship.

 

She tried to break up with me one day , because she thought I was not commited to a relationship to her, I proved to her how much I cared about her and things were good for a couple of weeks .a couple of weeks later she broke up with me again and gave me some lame excuse and told me she didn't want to be involved with problems in my life,she kissed me before telling me this though .

.

 

She's a player kid. You got played. These other girls are like "oh her past, oh her past". Sure, its possible. Let me tell you about little miss player.

 

LMP for short. LMP is a user. She takes what she wants, uses it for a short time and then throws it away. When it is convenient for her, she takes it and when she wants something else she dumps it.

 

Remember, TAKE THINGS AT FACE VALUE. She has NO RESPECT FOR YOU. she doesnt LOVE YOU or LIKE YOU. She wants affection, hugs, sex and doesn't care who it comes from. In this case, you are the sucker.

 

Didnt know girls did this? They do. All the time. And poor mr. sap takes it in the heart and says "well, maybe this." "well maybe that"

 

Nope. There is no maybe. Take it at face value. You are a doormat, my friend. Time to get up off the ground and dust yourself off.

 

LMP Is one personality type. Its not representative of women by any means, but you found a good nasty one!

 

Oh and one more thought on this whole "abused" issue. Even if it were true which it VERY WELL COULD BE, she is still a LMP - but is abuse a good excuse? AND is that someone you want to deal with? Someone who goes hot and cold on you all the time?

 

Throw that fish back into the sea my man.

 

 

.

So,she was calling me again a few days later and asked me back after a couple of weeks.

 

.

 

 

Yep. Sure enough. She wants to refill on her quota. She just got off rocky road and wants mint chocolate chip again.

 

.

 

We spent a couple of nights together then she started to avoid me and broke up with me again. this time different reasons.

.

 

 

Dont be fooled by LMP! She's just used you like a facecloth. Take it as face value. LMP is an excellent liar!

 

.

 

We were talking again a week later and she told me she wanted to be just friends like we agreed. I accepted this and tried to be her friend , but she was always giving me mixed signals (intimate touching).

 

.

 

You poor poor man. I am the only person who is going to give it to you straight here. She is a big time LMP.

 

 

.

So,the being just friends bit was getting to me and I poured my heart out to her one day and told her I could not be just a friend.

She told me she was not interetesd in me anymore, but she asked me out a couple of days later. She was holding my hand for the first time in two months and being very touchy around me, she was even hugging me. She invited me on a camping trip with her friends (guys).

.

 

Oh she hugged you! How sweet! She hugged her squeeze toy! Abuse or not, shes still an LMP. Still want her?

 

She asked me to come camping with her, she was really enthuiastic (sp?) about me coming, and let me share her tent. The camping trip went Ok , but there seemed to be a little tension. So, after the trip she started to avoid me. until I called her up one day , she told me she was uncomfortable around me now and struggled to think of things to say to me .

.

 

Dude, you like pain dont you?

 

After a couple of months of NC I sent her a birthday card, she absolutly loved it.She talked about doing things together again in the future.We were talking for hours again and even being flirtatious. She asked me out a couple of times and again invited me to go camping with her friends ( guy).

 

She invited a guy she dated briefly about a year ago. The first day I was a little weary of him ,but I started to talk to him the next couple of days,but he was a very quite guy and stuck to himself most of the time. Me and the ex had a great time , we were just being friends but she was paying more attention to me than the other two guys she even snuggled up to me around the campfire .I thought the trip went well. After the trip I started getting the feeling she was avoiding me again,but she was very busy and stressed over her graduate studies ,so I left it at that.

 

Now, after a few weeks I knew she was avoiding me , I just tried to be nice to her hoping she would stop avoding me, but after a couple of months It was starting to really bother me l'd see her around at the University swimming pool and she would talk to me and want to swim with me one day and ignore the next for no reason , I couldnt figure it out. So, I tried to avoid her,but she was always very friendly and talkitive to me, after a couple of weeks of not seeing each other .The longer we didnt see each other the more friendly she was.

 

A few weeks ago I called her to ask her why she was avoiding me.Her reason ;she did not feel comfortable around me because I was "cold" to her friend at the camping trip.That blew me away ,I thought we had an awesome time.

.

 

LMP is heartless huh? LMPs dont get that way with a heart. I havent read on yet, but I will bet $1,000 shes been with another dude. Or 2 or 3. When she avoids you, its the times when shes off with another guy. Lets see...

 

.

She said she couldnt be with someone who was not nice to her friends. She told me I was always good to her ,and she had a lot of fun with me , but I was not friendly to others. I am a shy person and not the most outgoing person in the world but I am not unfriendly to people.I do try to be social, i just give a bad first impression with some people.

 

It seems like as soon as things get to close for her comfort she looks for any reason to get away from the relationship.She never tells me when something bothers her , she would rather just end the relationship. I have never once put any pressure on her , I never talked about relationship stuff, I always treid to keep it light and fun. I took things real slow .I always let her make all the first moves. She use to tell me that I was "different and not like other guys. I am just really frustrated now.

 

When we went camping we were "just friends". So why is it that her other friends are more important to her than me?

 

Any opinions on this please.

 

BTW she is 33.

 

Well after all that I will say all the women on here will come screaming "oh you mean mean person - that poor girl" and I belly laugh. Dude, TOSS THAT FISH BACK INTO THE SEA

 

A. if shes messed up, dont let it be your problem, let her get help. This will NEVER END.

 

B. I doubt she is, which means your a doormat and dont even know it. Try to confront her on other guys. I BET you she has 2 or 3 other guys she "Dates"

[SPark]

Swiffer, I am not denying that what you wrote may well be the absolute, accurate truth in this case.

 

What I am more concerned about is your pain, which is almost palpable from just a quick read-through. Whatever happened to you did a real number on your heart, didn`t it? I`m sorry. You didn`t deserve that. Just send me a pm if you ever need to vent or talk.

[slw1]

Hey swiffer , you may be right in the fact she played me , but I am not that naive.I dont believe she did this on purpose. She may very well be messed up She does not have another guy or two on the side. She is naive,insecure and afraid of commitmitment. I doubt she has been abused , but she acts this way for some reason.

 

I know most guys would have givin up on this girl long time ago and I am at the point of giving up, but I am not a kid and I know what I want. I thought I met" the one" in this girl. I have never met anyone that I felt so compatible with.I dont call her anymore , I havent for months . I am only trying to be her friend but if she doesnt want that anymore then then theres nothing I can do.