How to remember the good things without destroying yourself?

[greenwindow]

Hi everyone

 

I was the dumper, from a relationship that was half awful, half wondeful. The things that were wrong - lack of comitment, not wanting the same things (like wanting kids), terrible comunication - were enough finally to make me walk away from it. But the good things were so good, our conection felt very deep. I feel like he was my soul mate, and maybe I took that for granted and only now realise what I've lost. I had thought that I would be able to eventually move on and find that conection with someone else.

 

This was 3 years ago and I'm now in a new relationship, with a lovely man who is all the things my ex wasn't. But I can't get over my ex. I don't know if it is delayed grief which I have always been bad at repressing, but it's eating me up inside. I keep remembering all the happy times and I can't believe I gave that up and have broken that conection. I don't know how to get this in perspective and move on. I don't know if this means my new relationship is wrong and maybe I'm just not ready. I don't know if I made a mistake in breaking up. I don't know if we were codependent but I also don't really know what that means! I am so tempted to see my ex, who has recently got back in contact, but I don't want to hurt my new partner or hurt my ex again. I would love to hear advice from people who have been through this about things to do to try to get past these obsesive thoughts about the past.

 

Thanks in advance for any thoughts

[greenwindow]

I am stewing on this now. Is it a sign I got involved with someone new too fast? The idea of going through ANOTHER break up and hurting my lovely partner, as well as giving up on a relationship that has everything I thought I wanted (apart from the conection) is devastating but I'm starting to panick and it feels like it is taking over my mind. I'm going to try to get some counseling but has anyone had similar experiences?

[Wiseman2]

After three years and now wondering and reminiscing about the "good times" with your ex, it seems you've identified the problem:

This was 3 years ago and I'm now in a new relationship, with a lovely man who is all the things my ex wasn't. I don't know if this means my new relationship is wrong. I don't know if I made a mistake in breaking up.

[veryhurt]

For this new guy's sake, end the relationship -that's really unfair to him. Id hate to be with a girl who is pining over an ex.

 

I myself am very recently out of a similar situation although its not been 3 years, its been 5 days - but with time you tend to forget the negatives and focus on the positives, when that person is no longer there to remind you of the bad times. That's human nature.

 

I think it's clear you should end your relationship and then re-evaluate if you want to revisit things with your ex. 3 years is a long time. Maybe things have changed and could be very different. But either way, with these thoughts, leading on your current partner is not fair.

[greenwindow]

Thank you both for your advice. I have only been with him just under a year now, so it is quite new. I think you may be right. He's such a good man and I will be really upset to let him go, but I agree it's not fair on him and would hurt more the longer I leave it.

 

good luck with moving on, veryhurt.

[veryhurt]

Thank you both for your advice. I have only been with him just under a year now, so it is quite new. I think you may be right. He's such a good man and I will be really upset to let him go, but I agree it's not fair on him and would hurt more the longer I leave it.

 

good luck with moving on, veryhurt.

 

Going to be a long road, was very emotionally abused by a she-witch lol, but I'll get there. Thanks hun