Finding yourself again

[Roughpatchsw]

I'm finding this the hardest part of healing. And find myself hating who I am because it got rejected by someone I admired and loved. Funny thing just now it autocorrected admired to admitted and that is even more true. I showed her the true me good and bad. And even knowing there was anger and abuse issues long before me and will be after me it feels like it was me that brought it on by opening myself up and she found the "real me" vile.

 

Rationally that isn't true because until she felt criticized and reacted to that by lashing out she adored the real me. Lots of lifelong friends telling me good traits. And they have seen me good bad and ugly.

 

Know I'm not a dating leper at all. Been asked out on a few dates. But at the moment feel like a wretched waste of space.

 

Journaling my feelings and good traits and where I want to be in the future. Doing CBT therapy (started it before I met her). Doing things I liked to do long before her, but at the moment they seem drab and in black and white when they used to be vivid.

 

Refinding yourself is a big part of healing. But some days it seems like a lost cause. Today is one of those days. I miss her. I miss us. The good us that is. Most of all I miss myself.

 

Ending this with humorous affirmation because I need to tell myself one. Besides it is stupid, silly, fits my sense of humor, but is also actually true. I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me.

[Dominique]

As you continue to heal I believe you will find yourself again and that person that emerges will be, at the core and on the surface, different.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. It gets better. It just takes time. (Too much time in my opinion)

 

Sending love and light

[SweetGirl28]

She has past issues that will continue to resurface, no matter who she's with. Until she fixes herself, the next guys she dates will find themselves getting the same treatment she gave to you.

 

I've been thru the abuse, and I've had to really think and bite my tongue before speaking because certain things people do can trigger the memories again, and it's really about realizing that person is not the one who abused me, so I need to not lash out. It's a long healing process for anyone who's been on the receiving end of it. First sign I get of someone having a hot temper, I bail. I don't deal with that at all, ever.

 

You can't blame yourself, you had a fight, she was insulting you, she closed you out. All you can do is focus on you, your positives, work on the negatives, and wish her well. Because she really is suffering internally too if this is how she handles things. A person who values you doesn't just up and walk after an argument. I hope you feel better. You need more time.

[kleptoz28]

II read thru a few of your other posts and your ex sounds similar to mine. Like the poster above me said, someone who cares about your relationship won't just up and walk away after an arguement. She's running from her own issues, and they'll keep surfacing in every relationship she has until she deals with them.

[Roughpatchsw]

Keep doing what you are doing. It gets better. It just takes time. (Too much time in my opinion)

 

This is so true. I often wish for a remote so I could rewind and do things right or fast forward past the hurt. But wishes like that are time wasters with current technology. Maybe someday someone will figure it out, but today just have to put one foot in front of the other.

[Roughpatchsw]

II read thru a few of your other posts and your ex sounds similar to mine. Like the poster above me said, someone who cares about your relationship won't just up and walk away after an arguement. She's running from her own issues, and they'll keep surfacing in every relationship she has until she deals with them.

 

I've been thru the abuse, and I've had to really think and bite my tongue before speaking because certain things people do can trigger the memories again, and it's really about realizing that person is not the one who abused me, so I need to not lash out. It's a long healing process for anyone who's been on the receiving end of it. First sign I get of someone having a hot temper, I bail. I don't deal with that at all, ever.

 

You can't blame yourself, you had a fight, she was insulting you, she closed you out. All you can do is focus on you, your positives, work on the negatives, and wish her well. Because she really is suffering internally too if this is how she handles things. A person who values you doesn't just up and walk after an argument. I hope you feel better. You need more time.

 

 

I know these deep down. And that it was only a matter of time. And thank you both for responding being supportive. It is hard to fathom how someone can just change instantly and even harder to know there is a deep hurt in someone you care about that you can't fix.

 

I also know I handled it badly when the reaction was outsized and like flipping a switch. She never told me positives after that unless they were drug out and reluctantly admitted. And she seemed torn so my instinct was to press too hard to make her see it wasn't what she thought. That was wrong way to handle it in any relationship, much less this one, but it didn't justify the personal insults.

 

I really care for her and hope she sorts it out someday. And I would have stuck it out to see if we could work on it as partners if that had been an option, but in hindsight probably for the best it ended. My fears and anxiety were complimentary to hers and it just amplified each others because of the way we handle things. I get hurt and want comfort, she gets hurt and wants to distance and push away and those just ratcheted things up. And I knew that someone who would shut you out and not even talk for days, weeks etc... wasn't the person who looked at me and saw the good overwhelmingly like I did with her. It wasn't reciprocal after that first fight. Rationally it is a good thing to step back and work on things. Emotionally I just want to hold her and let both of us heal and comfort each other, but that is like wishing for the lottery winnings without buying a ticket. You have to give something to get something and that something is working on me so that the positives are honed and the negatives are dulled. And then I might win a prize that is unexpected and different than her and fits my style.

[Roughpatchsw]

Lottery analogy was bad after thinking about it. It isn't random luck and no one is a prize to be "won". And the focus is on me not a future relationship.

 

Maybe a sculpture better analogy. Put in the hard work to sculpt myself into something better and someone will see that, think it is beautiful and it is what they have been waiting for.