Day 3 - No Contact - Please Advise

[NC60StLouis]

This is my first time to this forum. I googled my heart out trying to find ways to both move on, regain self confidence and also allow the door open between the ex boyfriend and myself.

 

To sum things up - I met an amazing man last summer. We crossed paths after four years seeing each other on dating apps and me not responding. Not cool, I know. It was May 2017 and I was reeling in a breakup with another man who had been very verbally abusive and manipulative. It was six months of hell and in April 2017 - I found out he had been using heroin. I had no idea. Clearly, the relationship ended but I felt lost and completely defeated from how he treated me. I wasn’t whole as a person. A month later the white knight arrives. I never returned to dating apps or anything since the breakup and he was the first man I talked to. He swooped me off my feet and provided me the stability and security I had never had in any previous relationships. I was honest about where I was when we began our journey - we both said it was poor timing but we chased the dragon anyway. I knew that deep down this man was special but I also knew I was jumping from one mans arms to be next. I put all of the energy into us versus fixing myself. He tried to fix me. I didn’t. I think I pretended I was okay for so long that it made me exhausted and an emotional roller coaster. Looking back, I can admit his stability scared me. I thought the bottom would drop out and continuously tried to end us. He would patch me up again temporarily before my behavior continued. A month ago, I told him it had to end because I felt lost but I wanted him to keep the door open while I worked on what I needed to. Then I hesitated on it - he eventually pulled the plug. The past month has been filled with many realizations - much positive - and growth opportunities. I should have gone no contact immediately but we both wanted each other. Last week he texted me saying he wanted to reverse the breakup and treat things as a break instead while I accomplished the goals I wanted to. He said he saw me doing so many positive things that be wanted to support me. He said he was also nervous because us keeping the door cracked between us would leave us both wanting each other more and continue the negative cycle we had been on. But then I snapped. I showed the pain and told him I am very black and white and he cannot break my heart like that. It was all or nothing. We both had pain in our eyes. It was terrible. He apologized for the back and forth and all of the pain he caused me and said it was time to rip the bandaid off fully. I was upset and texting him for two days after until I decided to stop being so weak... I AM DAY 3 OF NC NOW! :)

 

The hardest part of losing him is that if I sleep with another man - for whatever reason - I can never go back. He knows that which is why I think he wanted to stick around. But when he’s around it’s hard to fully focus on myself and grow to become more indepdent. He said he does want to date again in time when our paths cross... But for me - to be completely honest - I have a high sex drive and it scares me — going so long without sex. It all comes down to timing. He did tell me not to worry about him dating/sleeping with other women at all and that he doesn’t intend to for a long time. This is what confuses me still - I did mention that if he slept with another woman that I wouldn’t be able to come back. So I just feel kind of confused by all of this and how it is playing out. He told me the door for us has to close for now (I agree) but it isn’t locked. I guess that’s what so hard about moving forward for me. The thought of him. Instead of having the highs and lows - the potential to get back to the high points and stay there. He told me that’s what he wanted, he loves me and I am his favorite person in this world. Ugh. Heart wrenching, that man.

 

A few good things.. I signed up for a half marathon a month ago and have been training. The running does remarkable things for my mind. I will be running that race 4/8. I guess that’s right at my 60 days. I also am volunteering and getting involved with a young professionals network and doing a lot of healthy things I’ve wanted to do for awhile - no actual idea why I haven’t been doing them. Like I said, I’ve been lost.

 

My biggest concern is that I know he will text me in about a month. I am scared that I will run right back into his arms if I cave beforehand. 30 days just isnt enough for me, personally. 60 seems more appropriate. My fear isn’t about me responding to him - it’s his response when I don’t. I want to heal and grow. I don’t want to be angry with him like I was this last week. I know it all takes time. I have had a very special feeling about this man since before even meeting him. If I go back before I am ready or respond, i will be the same person as before. I think if I handle this time wisely - we could have a much better relationship than before. But I know, if I return it’s my last shot... I can’t do that prematurely.

 

Any advice on this? How to handle NC when he does contact me? There’s still a lot of love there in both ends but I do know the breakup was the right thing for now.

 

Thank you,

 

Katie, 29

 

Ps - I feel like I’m withdrawing from a drug not contacting him. It’s difficult when the one you confided in during hard times is the one who hurt you and you cannot contact. I’ve hid all of the things that trigger me to think about him. I threw away his toothbrush today. I just don’t know what else to do. — probably going to eat some ice cream now! Lol

[Exotic86]

Apparently, he is an amazing support and you need to gather your broken pieces. Don't lose him over all this. Take your break if it's important for you. During the break you will realize whether he is more important to you or the break. I don't really see how he has hurt you. He was a perfectly stable person to begin with and now he has caught your mood, I guess. He is just a reaction to your behavior at the moment.

[cutiepie20]

I agree with exotic86! I am not sure how he hurt you... seems like he's been incredibly supportive. I'd probably try to honor myself and my needs and work on learning how to pursue my goals and find myself WHILE in the relationship, because sounds like that is what you need practice with (knowing how to not lose yourself when you are with someone). The best way to practise this is to do it while WITH your partner. This way you learn this skill and it becomes your way of life. Hugs