Bangkok Bar Blues

[Anna Trayner]

My husband, Doug and I have been married almost 10 years, have 2 children and the most wonderful marriage - where we have a lot in common but also encourage each other to do our own thing.

 

Last year we moved to Bangkok for my husband's job. He's an engineer. During the first 6 months both of us enjoyed the restaurants and nightlife and my husband also frequented the gogo bars of Pat Pong Road and other areas with work colleagues, male clients and friends. Whilst deep down I would probably prefer he didn't go to places with half clad girls keen to extract money from men any way they can, I trust him implicitly and feel it important to allow him his freedom. He is very honest about where he is goes - and I trust that he would never "take a girl out of the bar".

 

After a while it became apparent that there was one bar in particular that was his favourite and where he liked to go more than any other with friends/colleagues. Naturally I was curious about this place and, my curiosity grew the more times he went and I was not invited. Eventually an opportunity arose where a small group of us were in the area and the other two men suggested we go to this bar. I was keen knowing that it was Doug's favourite and wanted to see it. When we arrived, my husband realised that we were going to his favourite place and was adament that we chose another venue. This was his domain and he didn't want me to go there with him. Of course, upon hearing this, I became very upset and even more determined to go. He says that at this point I insisted and went in with the rest of the group in tow. Needless to say he was very angry. I too was very upset at being ordered not to go there and felt insecure at the thought he had a secret. As happens in these situations things we ended up arguing in this public venue - the other two men tried to defend him by telling me how faithful he is (which I know he is) but to be honest by this stage I was in no frame of mind to listen.

 

This all happened months ago now but he is still upset with me for not respecting his wishes and denying him his independence.

I too am still experiencing a range of feelings that I don't fully understand - emotional pain, insecurity, confusion. I have tried to see his point of view. I do think that men need to have their own place but in most western countries this is the boat, the garden shed or the pub on a Friday night. He is better at arguing his case than I am and is beginning to make me feel guilty for not trusting him and ignoring his wishes.

 

In our 10 years of marriage, we have not had an issue that has raised such intense emotions. Is it ok for men to have secret places of this nature? Was I so wrong to want to see this place for myself? I do trust him and believe him to be totally faithful - so why did I feel such a desperate need to see this place for myself?

 

Hope someone can help.

 

AJ

[Chillyfrog]

he is hiding something! Why will he not let you go in that bar? He sould not care if he was not doing anyhting of course his friends will stick up for him. I feel like im being mean but i really think soemthing is up and im just telling you this being i have had it happen to me. Has anything like htis ever happen before. why dont you get a group of girls up and go with them and talk to the dancers when they come around see if they know who he is (they will tell you, they just want there money thats all, they dont care whos relationship or what guy the hurt) ASk them! If they tell you or they know him by name there is a problem and yes if i were you id be pissed its ok to go to a strip club once in a GREAT while for a guy but to make it a habit is bad tell him this it is not right believe me there is no reaison why he should be there all the time!

[Anna Trayner]

Chillyfrog, thanks for your reply. I honestly believe my husband is only guilty of purving but even if I wanted to check with the bar girls, I'd have a problem with the language barrier -most of the girls only speak Thai (and the language of 'love' of course and as they are all "working girls" they are not likely to "bite the hand that feeds them". But thanks for the advice.

[kinatra]

Anna I don't think you are out of line. Honestly, its one thing to want to go out with the boys for a couple beers, play gold, etc; however, I think that going to a strip club, which is what I am thinking it is, is not really right. I can see going once in a while but, and I no longer practice religion, I don't think it's right for a married man to go into these places. Perhaps this is hypocritical, but I would think a man looking at porn on the internet was better than a man going to a strip club... Also the fact that he goes allot is also not exactly right. Again, I believe it's okay to go out with the boys but strip clubs on a daily or constant basis are not okay. It's funny Anna....some men are the way they are....and no matter where a person goes - there is going to be temptation. However, if I had a wife and she wanted to go shopping with the gals that would be one thing, but if she wanted to go to a bar every night I would be a little irritate - mainly because she didn't want to spend it with me. I don't know...depends on your relationship. I am also sure that this big move has played a big part because you are in an unknown place away from your friends and family. He has his friends but you don't and probably want to spend more time with him. The main thing is...well it's up to you regardless of whether he is a good arguer or not....I honestly for the life of me don't understand why he wouldn't want you going into a place.....makes no sense to me and to be honest makes me think the worst. If it's no big thing, he should be happy to show you.

[lawryb]

I do not normally enter into chat sites of this type the words "Bangkok Bar" caught my attention. I think I am well qualified to respond to your problem as I lived there with my wife for five years and see a similarity in the type of relationship you say you have with your husband. My wife is the apple of my eye and I prided myself on being faithful the entire 20 years we had been married. When we lived in Bangkok, the boys from work and I would go out regularly - every few weeks - to one of the bars. My wife had her friends and trusted me too. She even came along a couple of times to satisfy her own curiosity and I had no problem with this. The first two years or so, I enjoyed the atmosphere, the music, the girls - and I believe I never overstepped the boundaries of what my wife would consider acceptable. After a few years I had a couple of favourite bars where I knew the girls well (when I say that I mean I knew their names, their family situation and what they had done recently). I was a regular and it felt good. I'm not sure at what stage - I think it was just a gradual increase in familiarity but I have to say I started to wonder what it would be like to enjoy the delights offered by the girls. I was tempted but I knew I would never ruin the wonderful relationship my wife and I shared for a night with a bar girl. I believed I was uncorruptable. Then one night my wife and I had a major argument - and I stormed off to the sanctuary of one of the bars. I was so angry but the bar was like another world and an escape. After far too many drinks I agreed to pay one of the girls I knew from the bar. I had done this before but only out of generosity - to give her a night off so she could go home. On this occasion she must have sensed my vulnerability and persuaded me to accompany her. I will regret it for as long as I live. I never went back to that particular bar and it never happened again. I have been unable to tell my wife - I couldn't bear to lose her. My price I pay is that I now have to live with the guilt. What makes it even worse is that now - years later - I can't even remember what our argument was about. So in answer to your question in heinsight, I don't think it is healthy for a marriage for your husband to have a Bangkok bar as his "garden shed". The temptation gets the better of even the best of us.