I don't want to let her go but I'm confused.. Help please?

[JakeJake]

Hello,

 

I have been dating this girl for 1.5 years now. She is younger than me. She is 23, I am 27. Since I met her she has been very sweet and in general a good hearted person.

 

When we first met she just wanted to have fun and I didn't mind... then she stop our communication and started dating someone else.

At that time I was still hooked on an ex and we rekindle our relationship so I didn't mind that me and her stopped talking.

Fast forward to me and my ex finally calling it quits and her and the person she was dating had long been over after 1 month.

 

We started talking again and eventually dating. She was going through a hard time because she moved out for the first time and got depressed. she started breaking plans with me and leaving me and hanging out to not let down her friends.

 

I am pretty good at communicating so i would tell her that bothers me... A LOT... but she kept doing it and I snapped one day got angry and told her that I couldn't be with someone that literally just push me aside and bail on our plans for her friends.

She then in turn broke up with me as her friends suggested because that was a sign of me been an abuser. This was painful to me because I was always there for her and all I was asking her was not to bail on me when we had plans.

 

She and her friends made me feel like I really was an abuser. I decided to go to counseling and work on my anger (even though I had only gotten angry once with her and didnt hit her or anything I was yelling because of the frustration of telling her over and over again to not make plans with me and bail)

My therapist didn't think i had an issue but my gf made me feel like I was a monster.

 

She then lost her friends and they stopped hanging out and I was there for her as a friend and she then realize she had made a mistake and wanted to be with me.

She confess that she didn't realize she loved me until she lost me. After that we build a stronger relationship but then I got very depressed and she couldn't handle it she felt like she couldn't be herself with me and that I was dragging her down so we broke up again.

 

This time I sort of gave up but shortly after we became friends again and started seriously dating.... now we been together ever since but now she has found a friend that thinks im an abuser because i didn't agree with her getting a matching tattoo with her friend.

The best friend talked her into breaking up with me one night but we talked it through... my gf agreed that her friend was out of line and I agreed I overreacted.

I told my gf that I didn't want to come between her and her friend but I honestly didn't want to be in a relationship that her friends perspective are valued more than mine and she said she would find more mature friends... now she hasn't and still hangs out with this girl that bad mouths me any time she gets. It makes me severly uncomfortable.

I don't like that but I know I can't tell her to stop being friends with her... I kinda feel like she lied so about letting her friend go so she could keep me around....

 

Through all this I have lost a lot of confidence, I feel guilty a lot, like im a monster...

I stopped going to the therapist cause at that time she didn't think i needed much help.

I know, I do now...

 

I feel like this relationship makes me feel horrible but I love her and she is very sweet and loving overall unless it comes to her friends.

 

Another major thing is we were close of moving in together and now she doesn't want to because she is having family issues and doesnt want to leave her family at this time but she was so certain that she was going to move in with me that I requested a transfer and now I am super stress knowing ill be in a different state all by myself... We talked seriously about marriage and I don't know if we are going to break up again and I feel horrible and stuck...

 

I think she is the love of my life but idk how to deal with all this.. I don't know if I'm wrong... If im the bad guy or if im made to be or if I'm being toyed with.... what do I do? what would you do?

[lilyv]

At her age, she's highly influenced by her friends. Unfortunately, I went through this too and later realized that friends can be a bit too intrusive and project their own stuff on to their friends. You didn't give yourself much time to heal from your ex, so you may have been distracted from her youthful submissive sweetness. Just take a step back for yourself. Understand that she's still young, women tend to change at 25th and again at 30 and 35. If you're willing to grow together without taking the dominant position that you know better, you won't come across as an abuser. Am not saying you are but understand why ladies at age may perceive older men as such.

[JakeJake]

Do you have any advice on how to deal with her friend? or how to deal with the fact that I am now moving alone to a different state because of the plans we made that I can't help to feel she bailed on me but this time I cant really be upset with? I am so confuse I dont even know how to feel... I want to be understaing so bad but prior history has me confused.

[lilyv]

Do you have any advice on how to deal with her friend? or how to deal with the fact that I am now moving alone to a different state because of the plans we made that I can't help to feel she bailed on me but this time I cant really be upset with? I am so confuse I dont even know how to feel... I want to be understaing so bad but prior history has me confused.

I wouldn't intrude on her friendship, she obviously deems her important. Just do what you need for you. You're both young and free to decide and move about where you each desire. I understand you feel she bailed on you, that was her choice. All you can do, is make your choice. Wait or move on.

[JakeJake]

Thank you for the advise.