Relationship Anxiety(ies)?

[solr]

Hi,

 

I will try to keep this short, but also want to give a thorough description of how I am.

 

I'm 28, dating a girl for about 4 months. I've really only dated 2 other girls, one for 4 years from 18-22 and the other for just a few months when i was 24.

 

There's seems to always be something that comes over me when I really start liking a girl, and look to potentially have a future with them.

 

To be completely honest, it seems to be about 2 things:

1) Their sexual past, and fear that they may be, what I would consider easy or too promiscuous for my liking.

2) Drugs they used to do, again past. (just the girl from a few years back)

 

This has been the case with multiple girls, so I definitely know it is MY issue.

 

I find myself thinking about the girl all day, every day, to the point I actually get annoyed that they are always on my mind. And I always seem to be thinking about their past. I get really down, sad, and don't feel like doing anything. I'm quite afraid of what the truth might be..for some reason.

 

At this point I want to say that I understand that someone's past should not affect my view on the present... but I also do think its important to know what type of person they are/were.

 

I try to talk to myself, that I'm being unreasonable and that all that should matter is that she makes me happy, and has never done anything to make me not trust her.

I was brought up with a very stubborn parents that was quiet religious and conservative.

 

I've often thought that maybe I haven't experienced enough dating.. but I've had the same type of thoughts with different girls over the last 10 years. I really just dont know why I cant stop thinking about these things, and I wonder why, and if its normal to be so damn focused on it. The girl im with now is great to me. She does drink a bit more than girls im used to, and also dresses a little more revealing...

 

I always feel immature when I let this get to me, I feel childish, like it shouldn't matter, but I still cant get it off my mind for good.

 

PS: I only typically have these thoughts when I'm not around her.

 

Thanks for your thoughts/comments/advice

[firelily]

It's good that you're working on your anxieties. We all have our worries and dealbreakers, but if you decide that someone is worth a shot, you shouldn't be spending so much time being anxious about these stuff. Some people for this reason choose to date only people that their consider their equals, with similar upbringing, values and life experience. Hard to say if this is a good way of thinking or not. But regardless of your anxiety, it would be better for you to get involved with women not far off from where you stand. For example, if you knew for a fact that someone had dozens of boyfriends or had a serious problem with drugs in the past, you probably shouldn't date that kind of person. And dating someone that also comes from a religious, conservative and was always a "good girl" would make things much easier for you.

 

You've already decided that this girl is worth to get to know despite your differences and makes you happy. So ask yourself what are you afraid of, exactly? Are you afraid you won't be enough or her? Or that you will be ashamed of her behavior? That she will behave somewhat ty? Or that she will let your trust down? What are your fears here? And are they realistic?

 

Did something she told you about herself made you believe the difference between you may be a problem?

 

Being a goodie is quite an attractive quality for both genders. I think many "bad girls" would be okay with dating a good guy as long as they feel accepted and not judged or controlled. There are things that are people's own choices (how they dress, do they like to party with friends, etc.) and things that are actually destructive to relationship (cheating, addictions) so it may be good for you to differentiate between the two, and decide what are your actual dealbreakers.

 

Also I wonder if this anxiety is only present in your relationship area. Or do you have insecurities about yourself being a goodie, in front of other people or yourself? Are you in situations when you feel like you need to make a stressful choice between letting down your parents and letting down your friends - when they offer you alcohol, invite you to parties, etc.? If so, maybe this is a problem that you carry inside you and you need to start the work from how you feel about yourself.

 

I'm saying that because I was once conscious about stuff like that, feeling insecure when friends around me smoked pot, because I was raised in a very good home with very clear rules, but I didn't want to look uptight in front of my friends too and dealt with some insecurities about that. It took me a few years to have a better self-esteem. Now I know what I want and what I don't. I tried some "bad" things in a safe environment, with my close friends around to protect me, and now I don't have any fears about it. I know what works for me and what doesn't, what I want my life to look like. What are my dealbreakers and what differences I could be ok with. I don't feel inferior to goodies and "bad" boys at all, and I'm not anxious when I see a boyfriend doing something I wouldn't do myself. I know A LOT of things I felt inferior about is stupid, and that it's actually good to have some rules and not endanger yourself. I'm happy I got to this place, but I had to start all this work from myself rather than from a purely relationship-oriented perspective. And with other people I take things slowly in this area, cause sometimes it takes me a few months to decide if I think they're living self-destructive or just differently.

 

So maybe take your time and be easy on yourself on the way. Good luck.

[solr]

Thanks for the comments. It feels good to discuss this with someone without having to worry about being embarrassed or ashamed..

Ill reply in bold in your quote.

 

It's good that you're working on your anxieties. We all have our worries and dealbreakers, but if you decide that someone is worth a shot, you shouldn't be spending so much time being anxious about these stuff. Some people for this reason choose to date only people that their consider their equals, with similar upbringing, values and life experience. Hard to say if this is a good way of thinking or not. But regardless of your anxiety, it would be better for you to get involved with women not far off from where you stand. For example, if you knew for a fact that someone had dozens of boyfriends or had a serious problem with drugs in the past, you probably shouldn't date that kind of person. And dating someone that also comes from a religious, conservative and was always a "good girl" would make things much easier for you.

 

I've thought about dating "good girls" but I actually like to go out a lot and meet active people and I'm not sure "good girls" would be all that fun...

 

You've already decided that this girl is worth to get to know despite your differences and makes you happy. So ask yourself what are you afraid of, exactly? Are you afraid you won't be enough or her? Or that you will be ashamed of her behavior? That she will behave somewhat ty? Or that she will let your trust down? What are your fears here? And are they realistic?

 

She's really good to me and ive been trying to put my finger on exactly what bothers me, with the other girls too.. But with her now, I am a little afraid sometimes she might say something, like she has a few times, something sexual in a conversation with my friends, that im not used to hearing from a girl. I'm not sure what you mean by behaving "ty".. So im not quite sure what im afraid of.

 

Did something she told you about herself made you believe the difference between you may be a problem?

 

Well, shes a few years older than me, and lived in a party type of city where she's from, and she's very good looking...I think shes so beautiful that when I met her, i was surprised she was talking to me and, later, dating me. All the things that she has told me about her sex life was actually relieving. Like no sex in college, nor on her multiple trips to vegas...

 

Being a goodie is quite an attractive quality for both genders. I think many "bad girls" would be okay with dating a good guy as long as they feel accepted and not judged or controlled. There are things that are people's own choices (how they dress, do they like to party with friends, etc.) and things that are actually destructive to relationship (cheating, addictions) so it may be good for you to differentiate between the two, and decide what are your actual dealbreakers.

I've often thought about me being a "goodie"..and then feel like..angry that whatever girl i end up with will have not had to worry about being "good" or making the best decisions (financially as well), and that its unfair that i've always been raised to think about my future before anything else... So I actually believe that because how I am as a person, if any girl gives me a chance, they will like me. Im a nice guy and know how to treat girls, what to say etc. So i can definitely see how "bad girls" would like me...

 

Also I wonder if this anxiety is only present in your relationship area. Or do you have insecurities about yourself being a goodie, in front of other people or yourself? Are you in situations when you feel like you need to make a stressful choice between letting down your parents and letting down your friends - when they offer you alcohol, invite you to parties, etc.? If so, maybe this is a problem that you carry inside you and you need to start the work from how you feel about yourself.

 

Its only in relationship. I go out a lot and drink, and smoke weed every so often. I do sometimes feel anxious in social situations, around people i dont know and trying to create conversation, but usually not too nervous.

 

I'm saying that because I was once conscious about stuff like that, feeling insecure when friends around me smoked pot, because I was raised in a very good home with very clear rules, but I didn't want to look uptight in front of my friends too and dealt with some insecurities about that. It took me a few years to have a better self-esteem. Now I know what I want and what I don't. I tried some "bad" things in a safe environment, with my close friends around to protect me, and now I don't have any fears about it. I know what works for me and what doesn't, what I want my life to look like. What are my dealbreakers and what differences I could be ok with. I don't feel inferior to goodies and "bad" boys at all, and I'm not anxious when I see a boyfriend doing something I wouldn't do myself. I know A LOT of things I felt inferior about is stupid, and that it's actually good to have some rules and not endanger yourself. I'm happy I got to this place, but I had to start all this work from myself rather than from a purely relationship-oriented perspective. And with other people I take things slowly in this area, cause sometimes it takes me a few months to decide if I think they're living self-destructive or just differently.

 

So maybe take your time and be easy on yourself on the way. Good luck.

 

To sum up, I have this idea, or thought, that i kinda wish i always knew the girl im with (now or even the past ones too), that we could have experienced everything together. Thanks for the response, hopefully i made sense, as i am typing the second half of this while talking to my girlfriend. and btw, i feel great when im with her or talking to her.