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I’m at a stage of giving up on everything??


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I’ve been struggling with my physical and mental health for most of my life, I started feeling severely suicidal by first grade. I was diagnosed with so many different issues by different doctors that I could not keep track of it all. When I was 14, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and was getting black spots that suggested I was close to diabetes. With this diagnosis, my mental health issues were ignored. I was later diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, sleep apnea, and a few other things. I think the mental illness hurts me more than any other sickness though. I have huge chunks of my life where I completely isolated from the world and can not remember a thing about entire years of my life. Last week I had a panic attack and relapsed on self harm for the first time in 3 1/2 years. I dug my nails right into my skin and left horrible marks all over my legs. I felt so ugly and guilty for it that I did not want to leave the house, be with anyone, or do anything. When I tried to reach out for help while feeling this way, the response I got was “well maybe you shouldn’t have done that.” My act was not intentional and that may be the most frustrating part of having a self harm issue. I have never self harmed on command. It’s only when I reach breaking points, I lash out in the moment. I don’t feel physically or mentally able to work or hold a job. I don’t feel anyone understands how severe my battle is just to stay alive. Or maybe because I’ve been this way so long, it’s old news to them. I’m 20 years old now and I don’t see myself making it to 50. I don’t see it being feasible to cure all of my health issues. So I’m not even seeing a point in trying anymore. It just seems like one issue after another and I’m sick of it. I’m not sure what I can do, if anything to improve my life, if it’s even worth the effort.

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As cliche as it sounds, when it rains it pours. You sound overwhelmed which is understandable. You are still very young though and you have tons of time for positive change and growth. Your past doesn't define you so starting with one thing at a time to heal and move forward might be your best bet. I know it isn't easy but try be patient and kind with yourself and take things day by day.

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I read this and thought "I'm gonna swerve responding as I zero idea about mental health issues" however I've been in a place before where I had horrible thoughts swimming in my mind about suicide and I felt physically sick and thought my life would be over(weirdly I was your age.. I'm 24 now). Perhaps the shift into early adulthood is proving too much as you're scared of how sick you might get... I have had numerous health issues through my life, but the one thing that helped me vastly and let me assure you, I am NOT preaching to you , was reading this quote that said "Everything seen is temporary. Everything unseen is eternal"... I'm a backslidden Christian(much to my parents disappointment) but it got me feeling carefree when I had a Horrible stomach phase cos it allowed me to think "let's be honest... I'm gonna die eventually, might as well enjoy the little aspects of my life like music, food, talking to people online" etc.


But I think what you need to remember, and not to sound disrespectful, is that you have suffered thoroughly but you probably do have some benefits in comparison to a lot of people - I couldn't deal with what you're going through right now but it's something I remind myself when my anxiety kicks me in the shin....


Failing those, all I'd say is buy a new fixation.... Music, art, games... A love interest... These are the sparkly sides to life and you more than deserve to enjoy them whilst only 20.


I bet this all sounds pointless but it's the only thing I can think of

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