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I just had to.


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It has been more than 3 weeks now from the last time we talked. And until now I've been keeping no contact with you because this is what everyone advised me to do and right now it's the only thing that I have left to not crumble further.


After the day you told me that you don't want me, to f u c k off, to go away and that I can never even be a friend to you, I just had to back down. It was too much to hear. All of them, was just too much to handle. Why were those words needed to be spoken? was I that horrible to you as a partner? Even until now, I'm left with so much questions unanswered. You chose to discard me, humiliate me, and did not face me in person even at the very end as I kept still but in reality, I just lost myself to even do anything back. Yes, I had my shortcomings and mistakes but were they enough for you to do all of these? I could never imagine doing all of this to you. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's because I loved and you really didn't.


It's so hard you know.. Just ending things in a snap and not even looking back what went wrong. No talks, no explanation, but just straight up abandonment. When few days before you cut me off, we were doing well together. Playing, kissing, making love, and comforting one another. I told you, I'd always be here for you, and when things go wrong, I'm your partner to support you all the way. I guess words aren't enough, I had to suffice them with actions. But it was getting hard for me along the way okay? I'm not validating my actions but I just hoped that despite how messed up the circumstances were, we'd still have one another to go back to at the end of the day. I was trying to be strong for you, whenever I'd hear your anger and anxiety creeping in. I didn't want to show you nor to other people that I was getting weaker and weaker emotionally because I clanged to that hope that things will always be better as long as I have you. But I was wrong, so wrong that maybe I thought we can get through it. All the time it was just me. There was no us, there was no teamwork, there was no give and take. I was just being delusional in my own little world that you promised when we just began.


I don't know how are you right now but in my mind you're probably doing well because you were prepared for this before even doing all of this. It's so unfair you know? you just went away. Just like that, throwing away everything we've been through. You're the last person I thought could ever do all of this. Do I even slip in to your mind? all the memories we made? all the time I was there for you? Maybe not or maybe yes but you're fixated on your decision. Who knows? I don't really know anything about you anymore. And I don't really know who you really were. How am I? here I am left with no options but to move forward. I lost my direction and still finding my way back to who I used to be. It's a struggle, it's a lot worse than getting physically sick I think? My mind just eats up, rewinds, and plays all the good and bad things that happened or might happen. But I'm getting by, sleeping at night is still hard but I get enough sleep now. I find morning to be the hardest.. it's like a hard reset when I get by at the evening, I have to get through the pain again when I wake up.


I don't know if this will take me more weeks, months, or years to feel better. They say it'll get better with time and time would give me the answers. I've heard all of this and I've seen it to work on other people. Right now, all I want to have is to have a peace of mind. I try to be busy but there's just really this hallowed feeling that there were so many questions left unanswered. I've given up hopes and all but at the back of my mind, it's a feeling like it was just left open and no one closed it.

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Don't, just don't seek for any answers. Yes, you're feeling rejected right now and no doubt that rejections indeed hurts. Yes, there are some people or partner I may call who thinks they're the most perfect personality in this world. Chuck them!

We're all humans, we're all.complex, all of us have flaws.

You better keep moving forward and forward and forward. Keep the No contact. Instead of contacting him, you rather suffer the post break pain. And yes, with time you'll be fine this pain of missing him and everything will subside.

Focus on yourself, cry as much as you want to. Vent away your thoughts here on ENA, we're here to help you and support you. But, don't you dare to look back.

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