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My long term boyfriend has just broken up with me, for the second time!


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I am 35 year old woman who was in a long term relationship for 6.5 years with a 33 year old man. We were living together for over 5 of those years. It has been the most loving and committed relationship of my life. We both saw us growing old together (In fact that was for me one of the most romantic things he told me early on in our relationship). When we met the chemistry was instant, physically, intellectually and emotionally. We were one of those couples who spent most of their time together, who have common interests and are each others best friend. I always felt that he would do anything to make me happy.


We had our difficulties throughout our relationship of course. Moved abroad for three years, struggling to make a new life. In the last months we were abroad he went into hospital for 10 days, and I really feared that I would lose him. When he came out, I started having anxiety, psychosomatic pains and panic attacks for three months, before I could finally get help and be put on antidepressants. We also decided that we wanted to return to our home town at this point. This was something that I brought up initially, but he agreed that it was also what he wanted. I was anxious about this being something that he wanted to, and wasn't just doing it for me. I never wanted to be the reason for him giving up his career dreams. But he insisted he wanted it to.


We returned to our home country (now two years) and started again. I eventually stopped the medication and was feeling ok. But there was a lot to deal with. Our country is in such a bad economic state is is very difficult to find a job. Fortuntaly my partner did find work in his field, which was a big relief, but I struggled to find anything. Then my father was diagnosed with cancer and almost died, and a year later my mother had a stroke. I begun to feel unable to deal with all this, and in the last three months we were together with my boyfriend, I was having a few signs of psychosomatic pain and a few panic attacks, and was really afraid of a repeat of the time before. I think this was very difficult for my boyfriend, as there was a lot of pressure on him to support him in so many ways. The last three months we were together he was also working a lot, and that was difficult for me not seeing me a lot.


I thought we had a good and loving relationship up until the last minute. He never stopped showing me affection and saying that he loved me, and would help me through anything. Then he broke up with me out of the blue, saying that he is not in love with me anymore. That he thinks I have changed, that I have become less independent and I am not positive anymore. That he needs to love himself. I was devastated. But took a few things and moved out.


Turns out there was also another woman. They met at the last job he was working on. He says that is not the reason why we broke up though. He got together with her straight after breaking up with me. And then even went on a holiday with her that we had planned together for months.


A month and a half later he asked me to get back together again. He said that when he was away with her, he felt unhappy and couldn't stop thinking about me. He missed me and realised he had made a mistake. I told him that for us to get back together he has to be 100% sure that it is what he wants, becauce I can't stand the pain of breaking up again. He said he was, and for at least a month we were incredibly happy. It was as if we had just started dating again. I could see that he was so happy and so in love. We talked about all the issues we had in our relationship, and how we would both work on them, and we both thought that we were starting again, and this time it would be even better! He even told me about a tatoo he was going to have to represent his love for me and what I mean to him. After a while we talked of me moving back in to our appartment again.


And then he came to me, and said he needed my help. That all of a sudden, when we are together and having fun, he suddenly feels a sadness and doesn't know why. He doesn't understand why he felt so happy and in love again, and then something changed again. He can't see the logic in it. That he thinks he needs professional help (therapist) because he thinks the problem is inside him. That although he finds me the most beautiful woman in the world for him, and there is this amazing physical and sexual attraction he has never felt so intensely for any one else, and altough he thinks I am an amazing person who loves him so much and gives him so much, he feels something is missing and doesn't know what. The things he was telling me sounded like depression. That he sees no future for us, but also no future for himself. That everything is meaningless and he finds no happiness. That he doesn't even remember what it is like to feel happy and alive. Then there was all these questions about why I like him and find him attractive.


So I tried to help him for two weeks, talking trying to figure out what the problem is. That perhaps there is a pesonal unhappiness inside him, and he is projecting this onto the relationship etc. But in the end he broke up with me again, saying that it is not fair on me. That although we have a good time together, it is not fair because I feel so much more deeply. But then after talking all night and all the next day, it comes up that he started thinking about the other woman again! That is what made him unhappy, thinking that if he is thinking about her, it means that there is something missing from us. He doesn't understand why when he was with her, he could only think about me, and then we were so happy together for a month, and then he started thinking about her again. He broke down crying so intensely and helplessly, I had to console him! I know he feels terrible for hurting me again. That he would rather he could take all the pain then be the cause of pain to someone he loves so much.


The day after we broke up, he started calling me repeatedly and I wouldn't answer. Then he started sending me a stream of text messages.


"I know you probably don't want to see me again and hate me, but I need your help. I want to find the happy and self assured me again. I am tormented because I don't want to have second thoughts. Thank you for yesterday (trying to help him figure things out) and thank you for being with me and loving me all these years. I know that I love you, and that I am terrified for my superficial thoughts. I want to tell you everything in person, but I can't wait. There are things inside me only you understand. I think you know me better than I know my self. I have to find my strength".


I called him back in the end, because I got scared he was in a very bad state of mind. He was crying on the phone, saying that he knows he must love me, and he will try and figure out what is wrong with him. I told him I can't be his psychologist anymore, he needs to do it by himself or with therapy. The next day I called him just to see if he is ok, he was much calmer although sounding very down, and he seemed to be saying that the messages of the other day, were just panic, that he was scared I hated him.... That he realised that he needs to figure things our without my help, and that he will continue to go to the therapist. So I told him, that I may not be able to help him anymore, but he can call me if he wants just to talk. He hasn't called me since. It has been five days.


I don't know what to think! Is he really going through some sort of personal crisis or even depression, or is all this just brought on by our breakup? He just feels terrible because he never thought that he would lose feeling, and terrible because he has hurt me so badly, twice?


I don't know if I can hope that he figures out what is wrong and what is missing inside him, what is the cause of his unhappiness, then he can realise that we had such a good relationship and that he does love me?


I am scared that he has just gone back to the other woman, but I don't know. I don't know whether to call him to try and help him, or that will just push him away. Please help!

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