How to heal

[zxy321]

My boyfriend and I broke up a little over a month ago. For some background, we met through a club that we were both in. For the first year, almost two, that I knew him, he was just an acquaintance. It wasn't until a few months before he was graduating that we started really talking, but I then almost immediately developed feelings for him. I am not the type of person that easily trusts men, so it was strange to me that I trusted him so quickly.

 

We had a mostly platonic relationship for over a year; he knew that I had feelings for him but we decided that because he graduated and because of the distance, that we shouldn't date, although he did say that things would be different if we were in the same geographic location. I should also mention that at this time, I was a virgin. The following months were spent with us texting/talking on the phone every day, sometimes staying up until past 3am just talking and learning about each other. It was so effortless to talk to him, and it seemed like we would never run out of things to talk about So fast forward to this past October. He came to visit because a lot of alum were going to be back at school and he asked if he could stay with me. I said of course and the weekend was fairly uneventful, with the exception of him revealing some very personal details about his past that I was unaware of. After that weekend, he stopped talking to me, and I had no idea why. Nothing had happened between us and I thought that we had had a great time. I found out from mutual friends that he was "hooking up" with someone. When I confronted him about it a few weeks later, he revealed that he had been seeing this girl since July. I have to admit that I was a little shocked and hurt, but I had previously asked him not to tell me if he was involved with anyone unless it got serious, so I knew he was just respecting what I had asked for.

 

Things quickly went back to the way that they had been between us, and if anything, we were talking even more than we had (which I didn't think was possible). At this point in my life, I knew that there was another guy interested in me. I did not have the same feelings for him, but we had a one night stand. I will admit that I felt somewhat badly about that, but I also was in a place where I wanted to get it over with. Anyway, guy #1 ended things with the girl he was seeing in the middle of December, the whole time coming to me for support and companionship. Still, we would stay up talking to each other, and although I was in a place where I was okay just being friends with him, I did tell him that it did feel like we were in a relationship without the physical aspect. I worried that me saying that would make things awkward, but it didn't, we simply had a conversation about it and moved on.

 

Come the end of January, I was back at school and he wanted to get away from everything for a weekend so I told him to come visit. He did and that weekend our relationship changed. We slept together and very quickly moved from being friends to being significant others. I couldn't believe it. I was so happy to be able to call him my boyfriend, someone that had been one of my best friends for over a year at that point, someone who already knew everything about me. The next few months were amazing. He was so extremely thoughtful and caring, and I was in pure bliss. All of our friends were so happy for us, and kept saying that "they knew it was going to happen".

 

About three months into our relationship, he got some bad news and that caused a relapse of some of the issues he previously had. All I wanted to do was be there for him, but he slowly shut me out. I was hurting for him, but knew that there wasn't much I could do, because he never really liked to talk about his negative emotions. After holding on for two more months, continually growing farther apart, I knew something had to change. I absolutely did not want the relationship to end, I just wanted to work through things and try to figure out how to move forward, but he felt as though he was not mentally in a place where he could be in a relationship and give to me what I needed out of a relationship. I was heartbroken. I am typically a very happy person, who loves life and tries to always make the most out of everything, but now I feel broken.

 

It has been a month and a half since we broke up, and for the first few weeks we texted a little bit up until I saw him to give his things back. I was hoping that seeing him would be awkward and uncomfortable, but it wasn't, and we both had a great time. Because of the distance, I spent the night with him and we slept together, which I don't regret, but it was confusing for me, knowing that two people who clearly enjoy spending time together aren't. We have barely spoken since that weekend and I thought that it would get easier each day, but it isn't. I feel completely empty inside, like the best thing in my life was ripped away, leaving me with sadness. He is the person that I would always go to when I was upset about anything, and he always knew how to make me feel better. I am spending time with friends, diving into my work, and spending time with family to try to keep myself busy and distracted, but almost everything makes me think about him. He is the one person that I want to talk to about this, and I don't know how to process my feelings. I miss my best friend, and I don't know what to do.