james_cfh1 Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Hello. My g/f of a year recently broke up with me. Im 31 and she is 29 Ive known her for 13 years and weve dated before for a about 5 months or so but that was over 5 years ago. She is a drinker (sometimes heavy drinker) and marijuana smoker. I was attached to her the first time we dated and have always loved her but this time when we were older and more mature so I decided to take it seriously. We were together 6 nights a week for about a year. She practically lived with me. We had a few jealousy issues stemming from her cheating with me on her ex b/f on Y2k. I guess I thought since she cheated with me on him she would cheat with someone else on me. I think thee reason she cheated on him was becasue he was really bad to heer and cheated on her, he promised to be there on Y2K but never showed so she called me up. For the year we were together I tried to be excellent to her, buying her stuff she wanted, loaning her money when she needed it for car payments, doing things for her all the time, Sending her cards, flowers and poetry. All of our problems started when she got a job as a waitress about 4 months ago. She would always want to go out and party with her friends from work and most of them were 19 to 25 y/o males. We also had a few arguments about sex. She hardly ever wanted me. (The first time we dated she was all over me and threw herself at me) I always initiated and felt rejected if she said no. I wouldnt yell or scream at her or anything. If she said no I would say sstuff like I guess I shouldnt have even tried anything. Anohter thing we argued about was the type of relationship it was. She wanted a "casual" relationship while I took it seriously. How could I not be serious with her staying at my house 5 or 6 nights a week? One of the things that ended us was we had that argument where I said "I guess I shouldnt have tried anything" and the next 2 days she didnt call me and woulnt retuen my phone calls. So I drove by her friends house and she was there partying. She freaked out and said I was stalking her. I was worried about her is all. After that she still woulndt call or return my phone calls so I went looking for heer again and she was there again partying with them. She ran in the apartment and I told the guy that owned the apt I wasnt leaving until I talked to her. He called her outside and she was acting like I was there to harm her or something. I told her to stop playing mind games with me and either be with me or break up. She broke up. Its been about 2 weeks and she has called me several times since (about once every other day). I sent her an I Miss You card in the mail about 4 days ago with a very pretty love not descibing how I felt about her. How wonderfull, beautifull and how much she means to me etc....She called me today and said thank you for the card and said she would call me tomorrow to talk. It was a pretty good conversation but still no I love yous involved. Just Ill speak to you tomorrow. I went on about my day and I was out pretty late tonight and had a few drinks. I get the briight idea to call her. It went ok for the first few minutes then I started saying how much I love and miss her and she said I was obbsessed with her and was a stalker. And how it wouldnt work between us. I pleaded a little more but finally said ok and she said she was going to sleep. I was already out and I was thinking maybe if I go to her house I can talk to her in person before she goes to bed. I drive by and her light was on so I knocked on the window and opened the blinds and told me to leave. Then turned her light off. I waited a few minutes hoping she wouldd come out but she didnt so I left. On the way home I was thinking why wont she jusst quit calling me? If Im crazy and obbssessed with her why cant she leave me alone and let me get over her? Or am I really obbsessed and crazy? I know going to her house was wrong and it was very late but I felt like I needed to make a last ditch effort to see her in person before I let it go. At least I can say I tried my best to get her back. Link to comment
cookies Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 IT seems to me that u did try ur best, but sumtimes when ur with sumone and ur lack of interest in booz and other recreational drugs can slowly pull u apart from someone that lives for it. I wouldnt think that you are a stalker, because you were in a relationship with her, and just wanted some sort of understanding or closing in the situation, since she just basically walked away with no explanation. For her to outright call you a stalker, was real cold on her behalf, especially after stayiing at ur home for 6 out of 7 days in the week... Shes really enjoying herself with paryting with these younger cats, which leaves you at home wanting a close relationship with a woman that loves you enough to put you first, before any one else in the world..especially guys from work..,which you didnt receive... I would like to see you regain a sense of happiness in ur life, and it doenst seem very likely that you will recapture that with her. Everyone that longs for true love, deserves to be treated respectfully...and alot of times the nicest ppl find themselves in these sorta situations, and it can drive a person insane, becuuse of all the pain from made being looked upon as a bad guy, by her callling u a stalker in front of her coworkers, and all u wanted is the truth, and your woman to desire to spend a little time with you. Since she has called you this, in front of "witnesses"...please, whateva u do...dont go looking for her again llike that..or u can wind up with a police record for no reason. She may cll the cops, ull become angrier, and they will lock u up, its a cycle that can occur, but isnt necessary. It may be in ur best interest to leave her alone, and find love elsewhere. This is the MOST painful part of the tail end of a relationship, is when we find ourselves still reaching out , when love no longer exists on their behalves...but it does get better. Keep ur head up, in knowing that you not only tried...but you tried REAL hard...but she resisted the love u had to offer...so be proud of urself as u walk away, and ifshe comes back crawling on her knees...dont turn ur back.pick her up, brush her off, kiss her and send her on her merry way... good luck guy.. cookies Link to comment
Gilgamesh Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Excellent advise Cookie. Yes James, stay away from this girl, the reason she doesnt leave you alone, is that she actually likes it when you come looking for her, she wants to feel that someone is obsessed with her! its an ego boost, gives her "value" in front of the others, i bet she tells them everything you do to try and get her back. She is not worth it James, as much as it hurts, as much as she tries and fixes things up again with you, dont fall for that trap, move on, this girl is the one your mother warned you about, stay away! Link to comment
james_cfh1 Posted June 10, 2003 Author Share Posted June 10, 2003 Thank you cookies and Gilgamesh so much for reading my story and posting advice. It feels good to know that at least someone doesnt think Im going insane. Her and her sister have both told me I have major issues and Im obbssessed. (I talk to her sister on the computer sometimes) I know I have the strength to get over this and that time heals all wounds. Its just so hard for me to let go becasue Ive known her so long that she feels like family to me. The first time we daated she was totally in love with me and I broke her heart because I got back with my ex. ( We had a child together out of wedlock so I decided to marry her so I would have rights to the child...same last name etc..) I felt so bad for so long about dumping her becasue I truly did love her I just couldnt be with her because I was married at the time. Years passed by and I still had feeling for her and we would talk from time to time. Till the day came when we were both single and decided to give it another go. I feel like Ive lost a member of my family and I would have dont just about anything to get her back. But I guess it just wasnt meant to be and I will go on with my life. Thanks again for the advice it really helps to hear what others think about this situation. I tried talking to my guy friends about it and all they seem to care about is taking me out to meet other girls and partying. I guess it would be better than sitting here thinking about what could have been tho. Link to comment
cookies Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 yes...ur defnately not insane...and infact, i must give u credit for wanting it to work so badly that you went thru those extremes...we dont find guys this committed everyday, and thats a sign of a dedicated man...so stay strong in that aspect. dont let this expereince hinder your committment towards a future love. YOur friends just care about your happiness, thats all. They are trying to get you to a stage of comfort agian, in the arms of a woman, b4 u go thru the grieving and acceptance stage of a harsh breakup, that I have learned from listening to Gilgamesh speak. So ya, its ok for you to talk about it now, to come to term of whats happening, and when u get to that stage..ull be ready 4 ur friends attempt to help..haha.. last..ur welcome James..and thank u GEEEE!!!!...good 2 see u in good spirits again... cookies Link to comment
james_cfh1 Posted June 12, 2003 Author Share Posted June 12, 2003 Hi. Just wanted to stop in and type out an update on the situation. My ex has been calling me still like every other day. She called last night and wanted all of her things she left over at my place so I told her I would bring them over to her. I took her everything but her computer (Which I built for her a year ago.) The motherboard fried on it and I dont have the cash right to fix it. (Im a computer technician by trade) So I told her that I would fix it for her and bring it over whenever I can. Anyways I took all the rest of her stuff. When I got there she was waiting outside and came to help me unload her stuff. She was still wearing the promise ring I bought for her about 6 months ago. ( I wanted it to be an engagment ring but she called it a promise ring) We didnt say much to each other except that her allergies were acting up. I wasnt comfortable so I told her I had to go and I left. I did leave a poem I wrote for her and a letter. In the letter I apologized for following her and for "treating her like a piece of meat". I also said in the letter that I can and will move on but I will always love her. Im growing stronger each day and have been talking to other girls and Ive got my old band back together and started playing guitar again. This one girl in particular wants me to come over to her place and watch a movie but I havent decided if Im ready or not. Shes alot younger than I am. (Shes 21) and has a 10 month old child. Thank you for all the advice especially cookies for all the compliments. It made me feel really good. Link to comment
james_cfh1 Posted July 14, 2003 Author Share Posted July 14, 2003 Wel its been almost 2 months since the ex and I broke up with no contact at all the past month or so. Im feeling alot better lately now that I havent had any contact with her. I slipped last wekend and went out with some friends and afterwards drove by her house again after I dropped my frineds off. I still dont know why I do that. I didnt stop or anything just drove by. I guess I kinda wanted to drop off a letter I had written for her but I decided against it. I went to a few CoDA meetings and decided that it wasnt really for me. Then I got invited to go to churcch and it was really cool. Ive been having a good time there making some new friends and trying to get a different outlook on life. Also I decided that Im going back to school to take some classes on music theory and recording studio. Ive been doing alot of writing the past couple of months and the cover band has been really keeping me busy. Along with my original thing I have going on. Ive just about turned my home PC into a recording studio. Anyone who wants to check out my stuff feel free. I would love to have opinions on it soulclutch.surf.to/ Ill stop by to give another update soon. Thanks everyone and remember time heals all wounds. Link to comment
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