I will always be outdone

[igwmuchas]

are there any girls out there who look past looks, i know there are, where are you girls. you seem to find a good looking guy and then just say he is good on the inside. i will always be outdone by these guys...............

[PleasehelpmeIneedit]

I hear you man. I'm searching for em too. But they are a very rare breed it seems. So if you do find one, hang on to her.

[QTpie87]

Girls who only or mostly look at looks aren't worth your time anyway, don't let it bother you. You'll find someone that will really like you for who you are and not cause of how you look. the best and longest relationship I ever had and would still be in if not for a few mistakes I've made was with someone who everyone thought was ugly. I didn't really pay any attention to that. I wouldn't have thought twice either way, He didn't become attractive to me until i got to know him. You need to let your personality work for you. even if you are cute and just don't know it, work with the personality, it'll get ya only the best.

love Qtpie87

[SparklingKaren]

Is there a specific reason you feel this way? What I mean is, did a certain event or something spark this?

 

I disagree. I consider myself to be an attractive, desirable girl, who is fun to hang out with. And I can tell you that many of us can look past physical attractiveness. With an attractive person, the novelty wears out pretty quickly if they've got nothing else to offer. Sometimes, you just connect with a person. There's a guy I like right now, and he's not the best looking guy I've ever had my eye on, but he's the only one that makes me really excited.

 

Looks do matter at first. you just have do the best with what you have. Dress nicely, be clean, look neat, and take good care of yourself. Also I cannot stress the importance of confidence. It sounds as if you have lost yours. How you get it back, is very personal. I would suggest becoming physically active (sports are good) because exercise makes you feel really good, and keeps you in shape as a bonus. Explore what you love (you look much more attractive when you are in your element, so to speak).

 

Bottom line is, girls who look past the way a guy looks are out there everywhere. You just have to be willing to get to know them slowly, and recognize when you've found one. That means you have to look past looks, as well sometimes, just to get to know the person. And often times the biggest difference between a good looking person and an average looking person is just a matter of self-esteem. Girls can sense when you have lost yours, and that's not attractive. Confidence is very sexy.

[BillyJean714]

Honestly, for the most part, I think this is how it goes for both men and women: deep down inside, we want someone who we feel that deep bond with. It doesn't matter how tall, dark, and handsome a guy is. Once a woman loves a guy, and if she feels as though she can trust and confide in him as a Bestfriend, then the more attractive he becomes. I say this with all sincerity!

 

And, when you meet someone who you feel that deep unexplainable connection with, it doesn't matter how they look. Their looks can change. But the fact of the matter is, it's if you can imagine yourself growing old with this person. When you're old & grey, all that matters most is that bond that you feel for that person, and the ability to laugh and enjoy life together.

 

Some people are shallow, and go purely on looks, but for the vast majority, I think it's how a person makes us feel. Sometimes, we can't explain it. The feelings are just there. But, I do notice the bias. For instance, if what I said is all true, then why do obese/extremely short individuals have a hard time finding romance?

 

I guess looks can only go so far. Another thing that bugs me about the preconceived notion that women go for looks is that society tries to portray muscular men as someone who women go for. You see all of these stupid magazines with steroid buff lookin men on front covers, and people think, "Geeh, this is what I have to do to win the chicks?" No. This is absurdly not true. Maybe it is true for some women, but NOT all.

 

I'll tell you what, with women, we like guys who are confident, and someone who has a good heart. It's just simple as that. At least for me it is. I do, however, have to feel that physical attraction at first, but the attraction varies from person to person, depending on how much emotional attraction I feel for the guy.

 

Lastly, you also have to realize that with love, anything is possible. If I found someone who's the perfect person for me, someone who I feel this deep connection with, I would still be with him, even if he became crippled. As long as the bond is there, I'd still be with him. Love is just unexplainable. It just is.

[igwmuchas]

Thanks for all your advice you guys, it really helps. The reason I posted this was becuase I found a girl who was perfect in personality and looks, and I was so close to having her and life screwed me over. Things never got off the ground. Now, shes going out with my best friend. My friend and I are almost exactly alike, but he has the looks, and her. I'm still friends with her, and we are really close, as friends. And everytime I hang out with her, it's like a reminder of how I will be outdone.

 

I guess in the end it was a combination of bad luck and a little lack of confidence. We had a good connection over the internet and phone (we've known each other forever but we hadnt hung out in a while), but she went on vacation for two weeks and then when she came back, I left for two weeks, and when I got back it went dead for some crazy reason (she started hanging out with my best friend) But between our two vacations there was a 3 day period where I didn't take advantage of anything.

 

I want to be over her, I want to just forget about it all. And I am trying to make an effort to find someone else. And when I meet someone else, I connect and there are some really nice people out there. But its hasnt been as perfect as it was with her. And thats where I can't help myself. I keep thinking about how I could have had something But I screwed it over. I find a girl where I know there could be something possibly, but it could have been better with the other girl.

 

My best friend and I are really alike, we look for the same things in girls, and when it comes down to looks we also have the same taste. And in the 8 years Ive known him we usually like the same girl, and he has ALWAYS gotten her. And I have gotten used to the fact that they will always pick him. He'll find a girl and start a small friendship, Ill meet her and just like him will start a friendship, we both like her. He gets her, hes not doing it to be mean or anything, hes an awsome friend, its just what happens. we both initiate things, its not like im not doing anything, she just has always chosen him.

 

The thing that was different about this girl was, I started the friendship first, he barely knew her, and didn't talk to her. And he still gets her. When she told me that she liked him, I couldnt believe it. He is usually the one who finds a girl and when he starts liking her then I do after also. And I told myself I wasnt going to let that happen anymore. So I finally found someone else, and I started liking her. And he STILL gets her. I feel completely defeated and hopeless.

 

The one big difference between his personality/ways and mine, is he is not good at keeping relationships. But I cant really go after the girls after he has broken up with her because by that time I'm just her friend she can vent on, nothing more, (and im usually over them). And it would piss him off (not that I would care if it was for the girl) And he actually just recently broke up with this girl (the one I like), and then realized what he was giving up and got back with her, and is definantly going to be staying with her. And out of the 5 years Ive known her, that is the ONLY thing I can find wrong about her, she took him back after he screwed her over. And the ONE girl that I've really fallen, he breaks up with her like normal in the cycle, and out of all the times this has happened, he decides get back with her, and of all the times, this one girl that I cannot get over. I guess its not mean to be.

 

But then what is meant to be for me, what am I doing wrong. It really seems like fate is just shoveling all the bad stuff at me. All I want is someone to laugh with and love. And I found that person, but I cant have her, and I need to get over her, and I am prepared to (I think). But I cant find someone else that will be like her. She has raised the bar to high it seems. Please adive!

 

I'd like to say its not me, but you people need to tell me if it is me. I just dont see how it can, I can hold a conversation fine, I'm really outgoing (im not nervous at all) I can really get a girl to talk to me most of the time. I'm normally a fun guy and usually see the brighter side of things (not this time) I never feel unconfident, I will make a move if its right. I just screwed up once and lost it all. Its a harsh world.

 

Sry all Im rambling waaay to much, just had to get that out, please tell me what you think. I hope that post made sense, there are just so many aspects to this all and a lot to talk about. What do I do. It hurts.

 

 

 

 

(wow it felt good to get that out and even better that hopefully someone will be reading it. because at the moment I have know one to talk to about this all (but thats another issue on how I was screwed over, lol wow I need a new life).) Sorry about the long post.....

[Shidoshi]

And in the 8 years Ive known him we usually like the same girl, and he has ALWAYS gotten her. And I have gotten used to the fact that they will always pick him.

Hmm...

He'll find a girl and start a small friendship, Ill meet her and just like him will start a friendship, we both like her.

Why are you starting these "friendships" with girls you know your buddy is interested in?

we both initiate things, its not like im not doing anything, she just has always chosen him.

Why are you guys doing this to each other? Me and my friends never go after the same girls, I mean whats the point? Find other girls...

The thing that was different about this girl was, I started the friendship first, he barely knew her, and didn't talk to her. And he still gets her.

Yeah, you guys sound like really good friends.

But then what is meant to be for me, what am I doing wrong. It really seems like fate is just shoveling all the bad stuff at me.

You said yourself that you never get these girls, your friend does. As I said before, what kind of friends go after each others love interests? That just doesn't make any sense to me. Also, have you ever thought that maybe these girls just aren't into you that way? They might be more attracted to your friend for any number of reasons, but you can't use that as an excuse. You guys need to stop going after the same girls.

[Shidoshi]

I disagree. I consider myself to be an attractive, desirable girl, who is fun to hang out with. And I can tell you that many of us can look past physical attractiveness.

So your saying that you would date a crippled, deformed, burn victim, if you like his "personality"?

There's a guy I like right now, and he's not the best looking guy I've ever had my eye on, but he's the only one that makes me really excited.

I guarantee you wouldn't have given this guy the time of day, let alone the chance to "excite" you if he looked like the guy I described above.

Looks do matter at first. you just have do the best with what you have. Dress nicely, be clean, look neat, and take good care of yourself.

Now your starting to make sense. Its almost a contradiction to the first quote.

Bottom line is, girls who look past the way a guy looks are out there everywhere.

Where may I ask are these girls? I'm not bashing you, but statements like these give people false hope. I'm not saying that its the end of the world if people don't find you all that attractive, or even unattractive, but lets be realistic. Everyone is evaluated based on their appearance. Bottom line is, if the girl your interested in doesn't find you physically attractive in some way, you will not get any where with her. Guys are the same way.

[Shidoshi]

It doesn't matter how tall, dark, and handsome a guy is. Once a woman loves a guy, and if she feels as though she can trust and confide in him as a Bestfriend, then the more attractive he becomes. I say this with all sincerity!

You're putting the cart before the horse. Yeah it doesn't matter how good looking you are because when a woman "loves" you it doesn't matter???

I do, however, have to feel that physical attraction at first, but the attraction varies from person to person, depending on how much emotional attraction I feel for the guy.

Ahh yes, now the contradiction...

 

Igwmuchas, don't believe the hype. Looks are important, just don't let it become a barrier. As some have said, just look the absolute best you can and be proud.

[shortieGirl220]

maybe u guys are looking but not seeing.... the perfect girl could be right in frount of u... surround ur self with positive, people that have the same interests as u and eventully u will find that one girl for u......

 

good luck...

[igwmuchas]

looks really do matter, no matter what people say. Maybe with the exception of a few relationships. Otherwise, its about looks, then personality.

[justagirl20f]

In 100% of cases, when a girl compares a great guy with a kind and appealing personality whom she IS attracted to, to one with the same great personality, that she does NOt find attractive, the attractive guy will win. This does not make her shallow. This makes her normal. I'd be the first to admit that even of myself...

 

Take comfort in knowing, however, that not everyone is going to find the same people attractive. Looks are subjective. That's where life begins to make sense and become somewhat fair. Also, a lot of the time, people can GROW on someone. There are people you are not and simply will never be attracted to. But there are those who have a certain "something" that blossoms when you get to know them. Such was the case with my BF, and with every guy I can think of ever liking/dating in the past.

 

There are probably lots of things you can do to better your own appearance if you're uncomfortable with how you look. Neatly kept hair, a clean shave (or neatly done facial hair, whichever suits you best) and clean, comfortable but nice clothes go a long way to making you look good. If you work on your appearance to make yourself feel good, the rest will come.

 

And personality DOES matter... If I think back on all the guys I have found/find attractive, including my friends, co-workers, and even my own BF, not one of them was "superhot Cosmo male model material" but that doesn't stop me from thinking they're great. I can honestly, without reservation say I would NEVER trade my BF for anyone on the planet, no matter HOW great looking.

[jag216]

Hi... man you know I totally feel for you and I have been in the same position many times. Honestly, as much as it sucks there is really no way that you can manipulate a woman into liking you. If it seems like girls always go for your friend, you might want to consider whether or not between the two of you, you are more active in adding new friends to your group or he is.

 

I have been in this scenario - with my brother of all people! There was a girl at this party who seemed really smart and sophisticated and was pretty - at least attractive. She talked up a storm with me and I felt like things were going really well. Well it turns out she (who was probably about 2 years my junior) got into it with my brother and started itching (he's 12 YEARS my junior) and our little conversation dropped to nothing.

 

As it was, she was only interested in sex. That's pretty much it. She couldn't clean her apartment worth a damn, wasn't really all that smart, ended up being a bit of a drug user and spent a lot of time looking nice in wealthy parts of town trying to pick guys up. She played a good game.

 

The point being that women (and men also, but not generally as much) really enjoy attention. If they don't have to work for it, they take advantage of it. If they do have to work for it, some like that sort of challenge - but it's often easier to go for the open guy - and if they don't have to commit to anything in order to get that kind of attention - so much the better!

 

If your friend is not emotionally available half the time, that presents a challenge. It sets up a boundary to the amount of attention that these girl will receive. Girls like that - if they win a guys heart it makes them feel attractive and special.

 

BUT all in all it sounds to me like you are both probably attractive in your own way - its that the girls want BOTH of your attention. And think about THAT for a second. Isn't it a bit odd that a girl would want to have a dating relationship with one of you and yet have an emotionally close relationship with the other one?

 

That's not a good scene... I mean how would you feel about having a girlfriend who had all these guys around who she'd cry on whenever her boyfriend pissed her off. It's just a little out of whack if you ask me.

 

So I'd drop the following advice and confirm a couple of things that the girls have said. It's not about looks but about how you make someone feel... and at the same time, knowing that all you have to do is make a girl feel happy to be with you should be a warning sign!!!

 

Let me put it this way... how do guys feel about girls who give it up physically all over the place? Do guys take them seriously? Do guys respect them? Would any guy want a serious relationship with them? Mature guys respect modesty as a boundary of the self - you know, a girl who knows her value doesn't just give herself away to get attention. That's ALL WOMAN and you know that her head is in control of her body and her emotions - she gives it when she wants and she holds her own when she wants. It's not that she wants to control everybody else around her, but she knows what is hers and she is not afraid to piss guys off by letting THEM know where they end and SHE begins.

 

Flip that around, emotional connections for women are as vibrant and life-changing as physical connections are for men. If you don't set emotional boundaries for yourself and give it up to any girl who asks for attention, you are kindof being emotionally 'easy' - you gotta knock that off right now.

 

I had an ex-girlfriend who dumped me, yet when I came back to get my things she was sort-of sorry and played the whole 'we can still be friends' game... that's like a guy saying to an ex- "yeah we aren't dating anymore, but I can still kiss you from time to time, right?"

 

So we are friends, but we don't go to coffee as much or have deep conversations about how she feels and all that stuff... and when she tries to, I ask her where her boyfriend is, and why she isn't talking to him about this stuff. Or I say I don't have time because I don't! Fact of the matter is that girls who go for looks/sex often get stuck with guys who are emotional vaccuums... they work and work trying to squeeze the littlest tiniest bit of emotion from a dry stone... and they love talking to someone who gives it up without them having to shell over any of the physical goods or commitment...

 

I'm not saying play games with girls and stonewall in order to make them chase you - because that's lame too. I'm saying you have to be a man and set some boundaries for your relationships - and the biggest problem guys have with doing that is that they underestimate the significance that emotional support and attention has for women. They like it as much as you like a gentle caress - so know your gift and try not to be so emotionally available to every girl who shows up.

 

If you set healthy boundaries it also gives you a sense of self-respect and it makes other folks appreciate it more when you do open up and share a bit of yourself.

 

And if they don't care about that - forget it. They maight be way too selfish to have a serious relationship anyways.

 

I'd agree with the poster above who questions your friendship with the guy also - I mean you seem to care a lot about whether your friend gets hurt - sounds like he's got no emotional ante for the hand... I say don't play that game with him. You need a better wingman - and you know what? Here's a funny idea...

 

Get these girls who like your friend so much to be YOUR wingman! Have them help you meet girls - DON'T rely on your guy friend to do that until he's married.

[blindfold]

isn't every human being a whole thing? like... mind and body? meaning personality and physical appearance? i think people need to search for what they like... i know a lot of people wouldn't find my boyfriend handsome - i do, and to me he is the sexiest man on earth, and the best human being on the planet, but i know a lot of people who don't agree with me, and some people who actually do. every coin has two sides, eh?

let's not just focus on one of them... but yes, the inside is far more important, definitely