My life is a mess (Long read)

[Evil-Sabre]

Hope this is the right forum to post in, i haven't been here for that long yet.

 

As the title said my life is just a mess right now. Nothing seems to be going the way i want it anymore. I used to have 2 goals and 1 dream for myself. 1 goal is to get a good job in what i like to do best and that is to work with computers my second goal is like the american dream or something. A nice house, a lovely wife, a kid and a dog or something.

my dream would be to one day fight in K1 (Kick Boxing League)

 

I never thought it would be easy, but life is so hard suddenly. My past has never been an easy one. At the age of 7 i was already confronted with dead, that of my uncle. Then i had to move and leave my best friends behind only to find myself in a completely new place where i just couldn't fit in. Oh well that was a long time ago. The real stuff started when i was 12, my grandfather who was really important to me died of cancer, i saw him rott away..

 

At 13 i was diagnosed to have something in my eyes and that it could have been cancer, i had to run tons of tests because they just didn't know what it was. I often cried myself to sleep. Then the day came where i heard that it wasn't cancer and i was able to smile again. The eye burning episode happened here. After all the tests my eyes went downhill and i had this burning feeling in them for nearly 2 years. This was then topped off by my mom getting lung cancer. I couldn't handle it all anymore, i was a kid at the age of 15 wanting to kill myself. Because i just couldn't take anymore. I decided not to do it in the end because i just couldn't gather the guts to cut myself. The next day we got a call from the hospital that the first session of the chemotherapy had succeeded with great results. The 2nd chemo wasn't so good though, it was coming to an end and she got rays and shit to finish up the cancer hopefully. WEll she did survive it and is still alive up till now 3 years later or so. I

 

'm 18 now and i started to find myself in the online world more often. I got to know a girl she was 20 and lived in sweden. I got feelings for her and everything, and i thought she had them too. But she turned me down, a whole episode of several months ensued of me just being a plain wreck over this.

 

My school work is pretty good. I somehow manage to get the highest grades in class at times. But i for the next semester i'm supposed to get a "studyjob" (Stage Plaats for the dutch people here). It's a job you need to have to gain practical work experience. But i've been turned down spite my high grades at about 20 places already..

 

And then i found a girl, also in the online world she lives in florida and i live in holland(please don't bash me for this, i just feel good around her most of the time). She often helps me, and i've been getting back on my feet a little bit. But it's not enough and i fear it's getting to the relationship now. I get jealous really easily, even though she doesn't even give me a reason to be. I don't feel so secure anymore especially when she's with others, i fear that i am going to lose her to some other guy or something. She is such a sweet girl she doesn't deserve me like this.. I often am real happy in the relation though and so is she, we have a great and fun time together. Which is why i chose to be with her and stay with her.

 

There is a thing in her past though that i want to shake off but for some reason just like sticks inside my head. She cybered with another guy before me. And she and i also cyber quite a bit. I dunno i keep on seeing that guy and her cybering together. I know what happened there, it was only about 10 minutes because she got bored of doing it with him. ANd just wanted to go to bed, the guy broke up with her the day after. I wish i had never found out about that, but now i want to forget. It's not like she did anything wrong it was way before my time with her...

 

*sigh* i just don't know anything anymore, maybe the world would just be a better place without me..

 

Edit: My physical appearance is also suffering a lot. I used to have thight abs and shit. Now i'm just getting fat and have belly. This prolly comes from drowning myself in food and cola whenever i don't feel so good...

[NNIgelb1]

cancer is caused by artificial food colorings, nutrasweet, (aspartame) an extremely dangerous chemical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and another extremely dangerous chemical is PARTIALLY HYDROGONATED FAT (rampant in everything in the stores, but hopefully you live near a supermarket chain called whole foods market which has banned these 3 things from their stores, stop eating these things now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cancer is also caused by lack of excercise and a poor diet (mainly too much fat) and breast cancer in women is caused by birth control pills (my opinion)

excercise can drastically increase your mood , the brain chemicals released are 1000 times more powerful than morphine it might be 100, i forget but(running) not just bike riding, and working out with weights , the weights really make me feel in a good mood, and i can promise you this from my experience lack of excercise is the cause of depression cause i'm a health nut and whenever i slack off for a long time i start feeling depressed. all your other problems will vanish if you follow this advice, just remember your problems are biochemical in nature and NEVER take medication!!!! also starve yourself if you have to but MAKE sure you get enough protein NOT MEAT or CHICKEN preferably eggs and make sure you get enough carbs, NOT fries ,rice, oh, and b complex and C are necessary for the formation of brain chemicals that make you in a good mood, so you must start taking vitamin c and b complex check out GNC store, i take mens formula in a blue bottle, lack of vitamins causes depression too.

[cookies]

I agree that exercise can contribute to decreasing your depression, but come on...theres no way im going to tell you to NOT eat meat and starve yourself ...haha...

 

Well, sweetie. The first step has been taken since you are reaching out and speaking to others about ur situation. YOU are not the only person thats addicted to the internet...i am too. But you have to add a bit of balance back into your life, as in exercising, situps, working out with weights...that will attract a healthier mental state, and alleviate some of your depression. Dont consume urself too much with what other ppl do on the internet, because that can be painful I usta get so attatched to a select few ppl online, only to wind up being hurt. But i just grew tired of it, and separated myself from what i considered the best group of ppl that ive ever met in my life.

 

It may be a good idea for you to go out and find sumone in ur city to hang out with, that can also motivate you to exercise. Then and only then can you lose the excess weight you mentioned. If you enjoy d rinking cokes or what have you, try the diet drinks which contain 0 calories, and 0 carbohydrates, and drink more water.

 

As far as the cyber relationship, I can only wish you the best, because online relationships just dont work for me. So i couldnt give u much advice on that aspect, sorry...

 

cookies

[Evil-Sabre]

WEll, i do agree i need to be working out more again.

But overal i'm just confused in life, what to do, why everything is so hard, the relationship i'm in is pretty serious. Since we talk over phone, cam and plan on meeting each other in a few months and such..

 

As ofr someone to hang out with, believe i hardly have any friends who would care to hang out with me.

 

My life has just been going down and down into a bottomless pit. And crawling out of it seems so hard. I dun want someone to pull me out, i want to climb out of it myself.

My self-esteem, confidence and what not is just messed up to no extend...

 

I always just took it all for granted, and just sucked all the pain up. I fear to let it out because i did that a little while ago. And that got me into even more problems because i ended up in breaking his jaw...

 

I need advice on how to climb out of this hell i've gotten myself into...

 

I appreciate the help so far,

[michelemybell]

When I read your post I had to write---you seem like a good guy and just have gone through a lot. I greatly admire you for hanging in there. Life can be shitty and throw a lot of curves. You've been through a lot, but I think those experiences have actually made you a stronger and braver person---I know that sounds like a cliche, but it's very true. You're just feeling down right now---but your experiences will help tremendously now to give you the willpower to boost yourself up again and be stronger.

Understandably you lost sight of your goals in life---but I know you have it in you to get back on track.

It's hard to focus when you're down. Going online and meeting someone is an easy distraction--and will make you feel good temporarily. I did so myself when I was down and life got hard----it felt good for awhile, but eventually went shitty and now I'm back to square one. You'll basically put your life in their hands---without directly dealing with yourself. You'll be at the mercy of their moods. I did the same thing with my online guy---paranoid of him meeting someone new, etc. because basically I put all my stock into him to make me happy. I let all my goals die out because things started getting hard and I lost focus--he was an easy distraction and what I thought was the answer to my problems. Try not to go that route! I know it's hard--it can be like an addiction, but the less you invest yourself in this person the better you will feel. YOU can only make YOU happy.

My advice to you is take pen and paper and write a list of all the things you STILL want to do with your life---your career goals, your fitness goals, things you want to do. Make a plan of action. Try to distract yourself from going online all the time and chatting. If you find yourself doing it, come to this site and read the posts here and write your feelings here. Also, answer posts from people here---I think you can offer people good advice about things you have been through.

And please, please dont ever say the world would be better without you---you have a lot to offer this world. You just have to realize it more often.

[Evil-Sabre]

Thanks for the advice michelle.

 

I will get my life back on track, but what you said i actually have done. Hang on to others to make me feel happy. I stopped doing that, i admit this girl can put quite the smile on my face. But i think that's normal in a relationship. But i have told her about this as well. She was very understanding of it, and i told her that THIS is something i have to solve for myself. I can't use her or others for that matter to help me get back on track. It is something i have to accomplish , and it is something i WILL accomplish.

 

Thanks again people,