apologising. who has done this

[twelve]

Has anyone here apologised after a particularly nasty fight?

A fight that ended things for good but you wanted to reconcile?

I am curious to know other peoples experiences, and approaches.

thank you

[MyNinja]

hello

 

usually after a steamy fight with someone i take a few hours or so to cool down from it. id take a walk to get some air and to think thinigs through.

 

when it comes to apaologizing, i'd usually be the first to do it even though if iwas the one wronged. i do this because i want to show the person that i can be mature and and not hold grudges.

[Bibora]

hey, just sharing my sad experience...

 

My relationship ended up in kinda ugly way... Big fight, lots of arguing, and me being accused of lots of stuff. In the last 2 weeks we were together i took lots of crap, so i guess in the end i just exploded... And in the end i felt guilty for that. I had my reasons for such, but still i tried to ask her for her forgiveness. Not in the way of having her back, but more of an ease of mind... Something that i'm still waiting for today... It's been 4 month already (almost 100% no contact - except one meeting) and she hasn't forgive me yet. And i know that although my acts weren't the most correct, i'm far from being that a**h0le or what she thinks...

 

But i think it goes from person to person. There are those who can at least forgive and those that act like childs and simply just don't take things like an adult. In my case the second one adapts easily.

[teza]

yeah even though it may not be my fault i still do even if its over for good i cant let go without saying sorry as much as i knnow i shouldnt its because i love him so much

[twelve]

thank you.

it is hard to let go if you feel guilty over acting a certain way.

In my case it's not all my fault either, at all, but i exploded and feel bad now.

It has been over 6 months and I can't let go with her thinking I think that behavior is ok.

And of course there's hope for a reconciliation, but yeh..

 

i'd usually be the first to do it even though if iwas the one wronged. i do this because i want to show the person that i can be mature and and not hold grudges

 

That's how I feel.

[twelve]

PS: Bibora.

she hasn't forgive me yet

I'm really sorry to hear that, but if it's any consolation, it's her problem.

People who hold onto grudges only hurt themselves.

I look down on people who cannot forgive and look up to those who are corageous enough to apologise.

[twelve]

A clairvoyant told me yesterday that me and the very special person I fell out with may not be good friends again.

 

She wasn't the best clairvoyant I've been to. but it has severly discouraged me from apologising as I fear rejection despite knowing I'd be the bigger person.

Does anyone have any thoughts.

Much appreicated

[zestysunkist]

From either side, the one whos experienced the apology or the apologizer,...... from your point of view. When the ex comes back to apologize to you think it tends to mean the ex can't get over you? Let me refrase that for the other, when you go to apologize for being an @ss, is it because you still have feelings & miss them, or you just really need peace of mind for knowing that you hurt someone bad that loved you so much.

I can't separate the two. I feel as though, if the ex comes back maybe it is for both reasons. The ex is apologizing because they miss what they have with you, & for peace of mind.

Give me your thoughts.

[twelve]

both.

and also the fact that somehting so good and magic can be ruined by a fight is just a waste.

im not one for grudges.

i don't see the point if people can grow, and i know i have and want her to know.

 

i don't want this person to think i meant the nasty things i said, and my friends think im crazy because she was so mean to me too, but i still want to apologise.

also, yes i greatly miss her and would love the chance to reconcile but right now im very afraid of writing to her. *rejection fear*

we had stupid things blow out of proportion, both very stubborn, it's not a relationship that should have ended.

thanks for your thoughts all, really helps me out

[cassiana]

Well when my ex dumped me unexpectedly he was totally in the wrong but his mind was made up. I was gutted and furious but I knew throwing insults at him was pointless. He asked me what I felt and I said that there didn't seem much point telling him. I got up and walked out. I started NC and kept it up for four months. When I contacted him again through I never mentioned our relationship. After about four months he stopped emailing me. He started again 3 months later. He apologised fort breaking off contact. Again I made light of it and never mentioned the relationship. After a month of this he actually apologised to tell me how wrong he had been. I replied by saying that he had hurt me but that I appreciated the apology.

 

The moral of my story is never criticise and no matter how angry you are don't start hurling insults. When people behave badly they know it. They will apologise if they are any way decent if you create an environment that allows it.

If I had insulted him or moralised or patronised him etc etc he would never have apologised.

Does anybody want to spend time with someone who makes them feel small?

Yesterday I found one of those letters I was on the brink of posting to him. It was full of vitriol. I had a stack of vicious emails saved too.

 

I would apologise if I was in the wrong, but only if i'm in the wrong. Being big enough to admit you were wrong has great power, but if you apologise all the time when you are not to blame you look like a doormat.

[twelve]

Thanks.

Some good advice thank you, yes i need to learn to curb my tongue, it is something i have learnt.

I will remember your advice for it is wise.

-----------------------------------------------

Are the two of you back together now?

It is awesome he apologised to you

-----------------------------------------------

In this relationship I had, I cut it off as she hurt me, i said bye via text (dumb), then she started hurling acusations at me that i hadnt changed which i ignored.

 

Then she sent another so i let it affect me (mistake) and started hurling it back, and it got nasty

 

So how i see it, we are both to blame.

 

I don't want to be a doormat, but i know i am partly to blame.

 

I think it takes two (except maybe in your case^)

 

I know from what i said i would not have created a welcoming environment for her to come back to, (i said basically that was it forever) and besides that she is the most stubborn peson ive ever met (ARGH!)

 

I have grown now and woken up, and I know that with communication we could work this out, we had the closest mutual bond ever, besides her fear of me speaking up about things.

I am very scared of approaching her for fear of rejection.

but time has not let me forget this.

And it seems so silly to let it go to waste.

I don't know if words can be forgiven.

Regardless, all advice helps thanks, thanks heaps

[cassiana]

My situation was a bit unusual I suppose. We were going out for only 3 months but we clicked from day one. We really liked the same things so there were very few causes for annoyance etc etc. We never fought or even had a moment of tension. He was mad about me and I him.

However he has M.E or CFS. This had put his law career on hold for a few years. When I met him he had the first half of his final course done and it had been hard on him. He was at work in as an apprentice when I met him. He dumped me about two weeks before he had to do the final course. He had been getting migraines, two people were out sick in the office and this horrendous course was looming over him. Of course he never admitted any of that to me. S

So we broke up. he did his course and had a mini relapse when he went back to the office to finish his apprenticeship. He was too tired to even go out for lunch his colleagues tell me. We emailed at that time. He finished his apprenticeship in december. From January to May he had planned to travel before he set down to work. That's what he is doing now. So we are not back together. I suppose I will have to wait a bit longer. He apologised to me by email about five weeks ago. It has been over a year since I have seen him.

I have never rung him or posted a letter to him since or even texted. All I have done is emailed. When he stopped emailing me last december, I stopped emailing him.

I was extremely angry with him. I still am to some extent. However I know the first rule of communication is Be clear about your objectives. My objective was to get him back. thereforeeee I had to swallow my anger. It has been very very very hard. very hard.

 

Good Luck.

 

P.S

Did I mention how hard it was?

and is still?

[twelve]

well good luck to you too, i hope you get back together, pls keep us informed.

You seem to have good control over your emotions.

What is hardest at the mo? The waiting?

by be clear of your objective, do you mean make it clear to them?

My intention is to get back together, we also clicked from day one and were togther a lonnnng time.

 

We have not been together for a year and much has changed on my side.

 

I thought that I would make it clear it was purely an apology and a request for peace so i don't put any pressure on and also dont set myself up to get hurt...

Or do you think that is rubbish and game playing?

Should I just make it clear, I want you back, Im sorry, I see now bla bla?

I like honesty but I want to protect myself too

what would you do.

thanks!

[cassiana]

I hate game playing. Everytime I meet someone that I really like I feel that they are so nice that surely there is no need for me to play games.

My ex was lovely. He always rang when he said he would, he got me lovely flowers for valentines so I didn't think I needed to play games.

I was so so so so wrong.

As I sat and watched my angel telling me that it was over and that he had very little sympathy etc etc. I realised that I could not play games and die alone with some cats or I would have to wise up and get my game playing hands dirty.. So at 34 I decided to do the latter.

I have played a game ever since.

Under no circumstances would I let my Ex no that I wanted him back.

My objective is to get him back but I would never tell him that. That would at best give him all the power and at worst send him running for the hills.

He would have no respect for me.

I never volunteer information. He has never asked me about my current love life or how I feel about him. thereforeeee he does not know. I tell him about all the exciting trips and concerts I have enjoyed but am deliberatley vague about who went with me. The message is clear, I'm independent and out there, not at home moping over you (though I do alot of that0. I also told him little anecdotes that imply how attractive some men find me to try and get a little jealousy going. i also mentioned places we had been to together but not in relation to us but in relation to the new fun experiences we have had there.

I bumped into his family a few times but never mentioned him, but just was jolly and pleasant.

I never ask him about his relationships etc. He told me voluntarily that he had been single since. I respond carefully to these revelations but I never tell him anything important unless he asks. I haven't even asked him when he is coming home. I know the date because I have a friend who knows some of is friends etc etc.

 

At the moment the waiting and uncertainty is really wearing me down. I feel I've done my time, when's my reward.

He is back on may 5th.

I haven't seen him since April 3rd 2004.

Ill let you know how it progresses.

One thing that has worked so far is ' less is more.

[twelve]

Do let us know and good luck

PM me if you need someone to talk to about it ok.

 

I think you are right in your approach and more people need to do that.From what you have said it does seem to be working, high fives to your strength.

 

I have mainatined NC for over 7 months now *not easy* but shes on my mind a LOT.

I miss her with all my heart.

 

Your post has helped me.

I should maintain the power I have worked so hard to achieve after years of always being the one she had power over.

I still don't think I should be so stubborn as to not apologise, but I will be mysterious, like you, and not give away info about my current life.I will make it seem that I am apologising as i need to say some things and show how I have grown and realised my errors but I will not ask for another chance as that will make me powerless.

No grovelling, but moe like "I feel really terirble for what I did".

 

Your approach makes sense.

I hate games oo but sometimes it's necessary out of self protection when you have been hurt.

But surely an apology doesnt make you completely powerless again?

Do you think its all in how I do it? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

I did some stink things.

 

What do you think?