Struggling to rekindle a friendship, confused if they want to be friends

[Saures]

I became friends with someone through Xbox about 7 years ago, we used to spend all night/day (he lives in America, I live in the UK so we had to organize it around the time difference) and I have always referred to him as my best friend and have never forgotten him.

 

At the time he had a girlfriend who disapproved of our friendship, from what I was told she was already quite insecure so I can understand why she would possibly feel threatened that her boyfriend is going home after work to stay up for hours talking to a girl from England, but again, there was nothing to worry about, there was also an age gap of 6 years, me being 14 at the time. It got to the point where she began to message me on MySpace threatening me and she would demand to look at his Xbox to see if I was on his friends list and if I had been messaging him so we began to keep our friendship secret until eventually, we just drifted apart.

 

Recently I stumbled across his Facebook and decided to message him to see if he remembered me, he did and we spent a fair while talking and catching up, he no longer had an xbox so I guess it was quite difficult to maintain a conversation as we had never talked without playing a game or being on the xbox. Eventually, his answers became quite blunt, he would take days maybe even weeks to respond to my messages if he responded at all so I decided to just leave him alone and if he wanted to maintain a friendship, then he would continue to speak to me.

 

Fast forward a few months and I received a message telling me he was getting an Xbox for Christmas and also gave me his SnapChat as he had gotten a new phone. We spent over 4 hours playing and talking on xbox and it was just like it was 7 years ago, he also told me he missed me and we talked about all our personal jokes and nicknames for each other and just spent time reminiscing, it was as if we had never stopped talking. He then messaged me on Skype the next day and we managed to uphold conversation throughout the day and he told me he would be online later and we could play some games. This didn't happen, a few of his friends came over and had a few drinks and he did call me when they were with him and I spoke with his friends, they said he told them to call me and before they ended the call, he told me he would call me later.

 

He never called me later, and I've noticed again, his conversation has started to lack again, he has also been on xbox several times since and not once messaged me to see if I wanted to play anything or spoken/tried to call me on Skype.

 

I don't expect him to drop everything and spend all of his free time on xbox with me, it has been 7 years and we have both grown up and both have commitments and lives outside of Xbox.

 

I am just quite confused as to whether he genuinely wants to continue being friends and rebuilding our relationship or not as he is always so hot and cold. One minute he says he will call me later on Skype, that he will be on xbox and we'll play some games, that he has missed me, and the next minute, it is like I do not even exist and I feel as if my messages are being ignored.

 

I do not want to come off as needy or demanding, I haven't mentioned it to him as I don't want to lose him again if there is a chance of us rebuilding our friendship.

 

I absolutely suck at having friends, I really struggle to understand what people want or expect from your friendship and to make it even more difficult, this is all over the internet whilst he is thousands of miles away so all I have to go off is the 'tone of his messages'.

 

Any help or advice would be appreciated, I really don't want to push him away by being too needy, I feel as if I will be the one having to ask him to come online to play and I'm worry he will take it the wrong way and find it irritating.

[gebaird]

Do you know his current relationship status? There could be someone or something in his life causing this hot/cold behavior, and he just hasn't or doesn't want to tell you about it. I'd keep it casual and follow your current plan -- let him come to you if/when he chooses. Try not to be too obsessive, frustrated or attached to outcomes. He'll either drift away (which would be sad, but at least then you could move on), or you'll establish a closer relationship and begin to understand why his behavior is so erratic. Are you looking for something more than friendship from him?

[Saures]

He doesn't have an official girlfriend at the moment, but we haven't discussed if he is seeing anyone or interested in any one, I did hint to it to see if his ex-girlfriend was still on the scene but he just told me he doesn't have a girlfriend.

 

I'm just looking for friendship, I have a partner and we're due to get married in just under 2 years, my partner is also very understanding, I don't have very many 'real life friends' due to moving from my hometown so he totally understands why having friends online is quite important to me and why I invest a lot of time and emotion in to them.

 

However, back then, I would have said I had very strong feelings for him. I don't know if he reciprocated these feelings, I remember there were talks of 'if I was in America' or 'if you were in England' but it was all just a fantasy and we never confessed to one another that we had feelings, and I was also 14, so no matter where were were in the world, it would have been heavily frowned upon and he did also have strong feelings for his girlfriend at the time but it just wasn't working out. I'm reluctant to say 'I loved him' due to being 14 and not wanting to sound naive and obviously getting to spend your nights talking to a 19 year old American guy would probably make a lot of 14 year olds quite weak in the knees I would imagine but, being in love with my current partner and comparing that to the feelings I had for my previous partners, I would probably say that yes, there is a high chance that I did love him at the time but again, I'm committed to my partner and I am just glad to have my best friend back, if all works out!

[chattychica]

Perhaps he has just been really busy and he finds it hard to keep up an online friendship. I've gone through that struggle, and I find taxing to have to sit at a computer or tv and continue a friendship, especially if that's the only way the friendship really survives.

 

Also, certain people are just way more distant with their friends. For me, a conversation once or twice a week is sufficient for a friendship whereas I like more communication with someone I want a deeper relationship with. Perhaps he is the same way. Maybe he thinks scarce communication is sufficient now. Since you say it has been 7 years, maybe he has grown to be more distant with his friendships and has grown too busy to maintain one via Xbox. It probably is nothing personal and he probably still wants to be your friend but maybe he just doesn't have the time or energy to devote to it.

[Saures]

Perhaps he has just been really busy and he finds it hard to keep up an online friendship. I've gone through that struggle, and I find taxing to have to sit at a computer or tv and continue a friendship, especially if that's the only way the friendship really survives.

 

Also, certain people are just way more distant with their friends. For me, a conversation once or twice a week is sufficient for a friendship whereas I like more communication with someone I want a deeper relationship with. Perhaps he is the same way. Maybe he thinks scarce communication is sufficient now. Since you say it has been 7 years, maybe he has grown to be more distant with his friendships and has grown too busy to maintain one via Xbox. It probably is nothing personal and he probably still wants to be your friend but maybe he just doesn't have the time or energy to devote to it.

 

That is what I'm thinking, it's been 7 years, we're both adults now and both work full time on top of all the other general 'adult' commitments. It might just be that I'm just holding on to the old friendship we had and also, because I don't have 'real' friends whom I would spend time with outside of work or social work events, I have a lot of time outside my working hours which just so happen, fit in with the time difference, so I have a lot of time to think and be by myself, so sometimes that does make it difficult to forget that not everyone has such an empty social schedule as me, my partner works away during the week so even then, I am mostly stuck at home!

[Capricorn3]

That is what I'm thinking, it's been 7 years, we're both adults now and both work full time on top of all the other general 'adult' commitments. It might just be that I'm just holding on to the old friendship we had and also, because I don't have 'real' friends whom I would spend time with outside of work or social work events, I have a lot of time outside my working hours which just so happen, fit in with the time difference, so I have a lot of time to think and be by myself, so sometimes that does make it difficult to forget that not everyone has such an empty social schedule as me, my partner works away during the week so even then, I am mostly stuck at home!

Just remember, even if you do reconnect, your fiance and his girlfriend (I am assuming he would have a girlfriend by now), might not be so happy to have you two hanging around together, even if you are "just friends". You need to respect his relationship (if he is in one), and also your own and show respect to your fiance by not going after this "friend". So, while your boyfriends workd away during the week and you are stuck at home alone, you want to start up a "chat friendship" with this other guy? I can't imagine your boyfriend being very happy even if he claims he doesn't mind.

[Saures]

Just remember, even if you do reconnect, your fiance and his girlfriend (I am assuming he would have a girlfriend by now), might not be so happy to have you two hanging around together, even if you are "just friends". You need to respect his relationship (if he is in one), and also your own and show respect to your fiance by not going after this "friend". So, while your boyfriends workd away during the week and you are stuck at home alone, you want to start up a "chat friendship" with this other guy? I can't imagine your boyfriend being very happy even if he claims he doesn't mind.

 

I'm very lucky to have a partner who is very supportive of me in whatever I do and trusts me a lot. I spend a lot of time on Xbox, and as it is mostly male dominated, I have previously discussed if it bothers him that I play with mostly men and he said the best thing about xbox is that it is just xbox, it isn't like I am going out every night with a bunch of males he doesn't know and coming home at ridiculous times in the morning, I'm just downstairs talking to people I will most likely never meet. He trusts me and I've given him no reason not to trust me, he knows I have my limits with my friends on xbox and if they are overstepping the line, I won't speak with them anymore and it has previously happened in the past, someone sent me photographs so I instantly blocked them. I can differentiate between xbox and the real world, yeah, I love spending time with my xbox friends and it is nice to be able to have friends to 'hang out' with after work in the comfort of my own home but I'd never chose that over my relationship and he also knows that.

 

If it transpires that actually he does have an issue with it, then we would discuss that, but from what I have been told by him, he's completely cool with it and couldn't really care less as long a I'm not sitting at home feeling lonely and sorry for myself waiting for him to get back at the weekend!