How do you give up hope?

[ut03n9]

I've posted numerous times but a quick recap. My wife and I had an amazing relationship before we moved from Brooklyn to 70 miles north of NYC. It was a beautiful affordable house, I commuted everyday to NYC(4 hours a day) and she tried unsuccessfully to find work close by. The stress of the commute made me grumpy and nasty and she became dependent and resentful. We rented the house after 5 years and moved into two separate apartments in the same building. She told me two months ago she is not renewing her lease and is moving 10 blocks away as she needs more space from me. When we speak(every day) she is usually very hurtful towards me, reminding me of everything I ever did to hurt her( most are true ). Sometimes she makes plans for the future (you can take me to a play in February ). But mostly she says I smother her when we speak and I'm needy. I have no idea on how to get her back or move on. Parts of me feel that I just have to wait it out, other parts of me wants closure. All I know is that I feel castrated and alone. It's hard to function these days.

[Wiseman2]

Are you legally separated? Are you still supporting her financially? Talk to an attorney to see what your options are.

 

She seems to keep moving further away. But then accepts dates? Very mixed signals.

 

Let her miss you. She can't see what life would really be like without you, so a reality check may help.

She told me two months ago she is not renewing her lease and is moving 10 blocks away as she needs more space from me.Sometimes she makes plans for the future (you can take me to a play in February ). But mostly she says I smother her when we speak and I'm needy.

[ut03n9]

We are not legally separated but I agreed to give her 24k a year. I know I need to avoid her but it's very hard.

[browser]

Yes you need to avoid her and give her the time and space that she has made it very clear that she needs.

 

Or, get closure, which will only come with divorce.

 

That's pretty much your only two options at this point.

 

You might want to check the divorce laws in your state and see if $24k is in line with what a court might order you to pay her, because judges tend to be rather pragmatic and if you have set the bar too high you just might be stuck with unfair support payments in the likely event you get divorced.

[ut03n9]

I don't want to get divorced. Very very hard to accept

[AutumnBorn]

I suggest you immediately read Al Turtle's website (alturtle.com) and get your hands on a copy of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships, an eye opening book on how relationships end (not a relationship book, however). They were a revelation to me. Extremely helpful.

 

The most important thing you can do is pull away, give her all the room you can, and become the best version of yourself.

[ut03n9]

I decided I will answer her calls/txts but I'm never calling/texting again unless we are back together. Hour 1 starts now

[cyssan]

I decided I will answer her calls/txts but I'm never calling/texting again unless we are back together. Hour 1 starts now

 

Good luck! That decision is hard, but I'm glad you're making a choice. The first few hours/days/ weeks are the hardest. You just have to stay strong with NC. It is kind of empowering, but know that there will be times when contact from her can set you back by miles. Stay strong. NC will do you good--even if she says she needs space from you. At the same time, you need space from her too so you can think through your feelings. I personally think it's disrespectful that she's rehashing your mistakes every time you talk--even if they're all true. You can stop this disrespect by staying NC. You owe it to yourself.

 

I know it's hard to function. These past two months, I'm alive but barely 'living'. But a close friend of mine has always been kind to remind me (nearly everyday) to take care of my health and my job. So I do that. Even if I don't want to get up in the morning, I drag myself out of bed and go to work. Your job will provide you with a much-needed distraction.

 

Lastly, I believe you cannot consciously give up hope. It's hard. We say we do but we really don't. I've told a lot of people I've given up hope, and for a moment actually believed it myself, but for the most part, I know it's a lie. Hope will always be inside of you, even the tiniest speck. What you do with that speck is up to you. There are people who blame hope for not moving on. I think you can still have hope and move on. You can tuck that hope somewhere in your heart, then hope that there is a good future ahead of you (with or without your wife, we don't know.) But do not let it cripple you! You have to keep moving, even if it's just taking life one second at a time.