Forgetting Love?

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Hi all

 

There is someone in my life that I am hopelessly in love with, to me she is perfect. Unfortunately she does not feel the same way and I know the only option I have is to stop feeling this Attraction towards her.

 

Here's the thing, I've tried; many times. I've tried thinking of all the bad things about her, tried thinking of someone else, tried avoiding contact; I really have tried everything.

The problem is I face is every time I see her and she talks to me all my problems and worries disappear, and my heart goes all weird like a tingly rushing feeling, and throughout the whole day being with her I feel like the happiest person alive and wishing I could make her that happy person to.

 

Any Ideas?

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[volution]

Love isn't something we can just turn on or off at the drop of a hat.

It takes time, somtimes a great deal of time, to stop 'loving' someone.

When we love someone romantically, it can be hard to detach ourselves from them.

During my trials and tribulations of unrequited love, I found that a creative pursuit can help distract you. Just don't make the mistake of making your beloved the object of that pursuit (ie: writing songs or poems about them!), or that will persist the pain even longer

If you're not that creatively-inclined, throw yourself into a sporting interest. If you're not sport-inclined, well just do something - watch films, read a book, play video games to take your mind off them!

It's not easy, I know, but dwelling on what could have been, or what might have been etc. can be very self-destructive....

If only we had a real-life Lacuna Inc,

[Mr. Cactus]

The above post is great advice. I think the essense of solving this problem is to simply reduce the amount of time you keep thinking about the other person. I have been in precisely the same situation as yourself. I fell in love in November last year. It has taken until now to fall out of love, although I had been putting a full effort into trying to do it since it first happened. I did not get anywhere until I took the advice from people here and put my foot down - I simply eliminated the person from my life.

 

So the key in my case was to simply have enough guts and willpower to no longer have any contact with the person. You might be surprised how quickly you can return to normal with the person out of your life.

 

In my opinion love needs to be nutured, and in a balanced and stable person I think it can simply die away in time when the emotion is no longer fueled by the other person.

 

It also helps to have other friends, whether romantic or not. In my case, what made it far easier is that I have another female friend who, although only a friend, has treated me far better and with whom I have a very deep emotional connection based on love and respect.

 

I know you probably hate the thought of hurting this person by removing yourself from their life. But based on my experience, the hurt of doing this is far outweighed by the tremendous relief you will feel. In my case I just wish I had done what I wanted to do from the very beginning. I would have saved myself nearly 5 months of torture.

 

I also know you said you have tried no contact. Well let me tell you it is just the same thing as going on a successful diet of quitting smoking (not that I would know about the latter!). It is extremely hard and takes a lot of willpower. But you have to realise this is for your own mental health.

[Roasted Carrots]

The above posts have given you some great advice!

 

I'd just like to add that sometimes it's easier to get over someone once you turn your affection to something else. Finding a new sport or hobby are great ideas; so is volunteering and interacting with people. Sometimes, at least for me, it's not enough to indulge myself in sports or work...I have to interact with someone. I'd try volunteering at a nursing home (I'm sure there are LOTS of people there willing to listen and give advice) or at an animal shelter if that's more your style. With me, I have to devote my care and affection towards someone, not something. You may not necessarily fall in love while interacting with new people, but there will be less room in your heart to dwell on this girl.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

[Day_Walker]

The root of your problem is that you havent realized that this person doesnt reciprocate the feelings you have for them. Although I wouldnt say that you can turn off your feelings but you can come to terms with them. Eventually it is going to take time for you to realize that the feelings you have for them are in vain. Like anything else you need to come to terms with this before you are able to associate with her on a regular basis otherwise you are going to be caught up in the perpetual cycle of getting your hopes up then having them let down. You need to find what works best for you but you do need time to think somethings through.

[Scorpio]

Hey toggle, just like to say..you've had some great advice already, so I dont expect to add much in the way of a new light, but just to reitterate what has been said.

 

2 facts about love:

 

1. It can be the most wonderful feeling in the world

2. It can be the most painful feeling in the world

 

Distraction is the key to getting past the pain. If as you say, she doesnt feel the way you do for her, then it is you who has to do something to change whats happening.

 

The gift of time can heal many things, one of which is a broken heart. It wont be easy, and you have to try and take each day as it comes. The most important thing is to have fun - whether its with a new hobby, or with friends. Hope that helps, there wasnt alot i could add after the great advice thats already been given.

 

Just remember, enjoy life, you only get one shot at it!

 

Scorpio

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Thanks for all the advice people.

 

Ive tried to take my mind off and do other activites, and to an extent it does work... yet when ever i meet her all the feelings come back and I am back at stage one.

 

what do i do in these situations? as i do not want to break contact.

[Scorpio]

Sadly, it may well be the case that you do have to cut contact with her..even if its only brief..i dont know how regularly you see this girl, but no contact is perhaps the best means of protecting yourself, and recovering from how you feel.

 

What you have to maintain is a level of sanity however, so if you cut contact you shouldnt then talk to friends about her, or try and figure out what she has been up to. No contact means just that, cutting loose...its difficult, i struggle with it alot, and have done it through hard work and persistence, i tend to find it easier than having to see someone and feeling pain (it is how i deal with Ex's, not nice, but i find it easiest).

 

I cant tell you what to do, i can only give you advice, and that would be to try and limit the amount you see her/speak to her...but the best option might just be to go cold turkey and cut contact entirely for a period of time. It also depends on how close you are to her, if you are good friends this could make it a little more difficult - because she may think she has done something wrong.

 

Hope that was of help,

 

Scorpio

[Mr. Cactus]

...if you are good friends this could make it a little more difficult - because she may think she has done something wrong.Scorpio

 

Exactly. I was also good friends with the person I fell in love with. I just had to face up to her, tell her the problem and tell her what I was going to do about it. At first she was very angry, which is why I caved in initially and could thereforeeee not initiate N/C. But 4 months later, I was still being tortured and had to put myself first.

 

I cannot stress again how much better you will feel once you have had the willpower to avoid all contact. As the poster above said, that also means not trying to find out what she is doing or even emailing her, for example.

 

Pretty much everyone here has given you the same advice and it revolves around hard core N/C. I really think that if you don't bite the bullet and do it you are just going to end up torturing yourself month after month after month. To say it again, in your situation, it is the continued contact itself that is fueling your love for her. That is all it is. Eliminate the contact and the love will simply die away.

 

Sometimes freeing yourself of this emotional torture comes at the cost of a friendship. It did in my case. But I don't regret it one bit.

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but i cant

[Mr. Cactus]

That's where you need to follow other people's advice here and create your own distraction therapy. Before I did that, I too couldn't fathom how it would be possible to stop contacting her. For me it was about re-appraising the true value of my existing friendships and coming to the realisation that the friendship with the person I was in love with really wasn't much of a friendship at all in comparison to my other friendship where my emotional needs were actually being reciprocated. So I devoted far more time to the second friendship which became the perfect distraction. Then after only a very short while I had myself wondering why on earth I was even waisting my time with the first person. It's almost like coming out of a trance. And I am now happy I am channelling my energy into people who appreciate it.

 

You have to come to terms with the fact that time continues to tick on and the longer you spend your time on a lost cause, the longer it will be before you find a fulfilling relationship.

 

I know that probably nothing I or others will say and do will pursaude you to move on, at least at the moment. But I know for sure that when you do, you will think of this thread and wish you had done it earlier!

 

My old friend continues to try and contact me and I just ignore her now. It's really quite simple once those love chemicals have all worn off!! I guess in your case once you've rid yourself of all those love chemicals you could go back to contacting her. It shouldn't be a problem then, but I'd strongly recommend you try to begin other meaningful friendships or a relationship before you do that. I only ignore my old friend now because I came to the realisation that I was just an emotional outlet for her with nothing back in return. A sort of human diary if you will.