Just venting my stupidity

[alittleoverlife]

No contact is the only way to go. And it has to be forever. I can't try to do NC and then one day become friends and act like I will be fine, because I will never be fine. I thought I could, I thought I was healed, and that I could finally contact her.

 

But I was dead wrong. I wasn't a little wrong, I wasn't a tiny bit wrong, I was wrong beyond any type of doubt. I made the mistake of believing I was strong, believing that an e-mail is a lot easier than a phone call, but the truth is, it is all just as hard, and it will always turn out bad. What was I expecting? Why did I break my silence? Did I really believe she wanted to speak to me? I am an idiot, and now all I can blame is myself.

 

I learned a valuable lesson, and I will never break NC again. I don't care if she calls or if I see her, I will never speak one word to her for the rest of my life. It's not because of anything she did either; it's all because I will never be strong enough to simply talk to her. I really thought I was, and I was happy that I had healed, but then I learned that I had not. Could it be that I will never heal, will always carry this baggage, and always have a hole in my heart?

 

I believe it will always be this way, and I will never be able to overcome this. And it's sad, because this whole time, for eight months I went around believing that I was healed, that I had beaten my own demons, and I had succeeded in doing what needed to be done. But, the whole time I was merely lying to myself, ignoring the fact that I will never heal, that I will never get over her, and that I will always be bothered by this one relationship. How pathetic can one person get?

 

Why couldn't I know that contacting her would reveal my own weakness? Why couldn't I see that I never healed, that I still have hidden feelings for her? Why couldn't I be honest with myself? I could've never imagined that getting into this relationship would affect me for the rest of my life. I could've never known that I wasn't strong enough to take control of my own feelings and determine where they go. I am troubled by my own stupidity, by my own mistakes.

 

I should've never written to her, had followed through with my original plan, and then I would've still had false hope that I was really healing. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a waste, like such a pathetic person. It is pitiful, and now, I can never get the feeling of success back, because I know I will never succeed. There are such hidden consequences that no one ever realizes when one makes a decision. And for me, I never saw this consequence.

[GettingOverIt]

Hey, it's okay... Just think of today as day one all over again... If you can pull off NC forever, consider yourself fortunate... I work with my ex-gf, so NC was never really an option... I tried, and failed... She tried, and failed... When you work together (even not in same building), NC is just impossible if you expect to get work done.... There are days when I wish I could go NC forever... And then, there are days I would totally miss out on if we had NC.... I blew NC big time - probably my weakest skill is trying to go NC with someone...

 

And you may slip again someday... It's okay... I know you don't believe this right now, but you really will get passed the feelings, the hurt, the shame.... You really will... NC in the real world is hard, in my experience next-to-impossible.... Take one breath at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time... Before you know it, it will eight months down the road again.... Baby steps....

[rainy soul]

Hey,

I know exactly how you feel, I felt devestated after sending him an email and getting a reply about nothing because it was all about money anyway. I bawled and flipped out last night all because of some words typed out on a computor!!???? I really don't think that you can say that you have failed...Some people (and lets pray it not us) take years to get over loosing a loved one. It really is in some ways like a death. The person you were with will never exist again and the person you were will never be again either. The worst part is is that they begin a new life and most heartbreakingly without us Consider how your feeling as a major bump in the road. I thought it was the end of my life and really didn't want to go on last night but today even though I was up at 5:30am crying my eyes out I some how managed to make it through my day and yes the pain is horrible inside but somewhere inside I know that it is not as bad as lets say the first few days or month even after we broke up. That means progress...its like a sign wave up and down up and down but eventually the ups and downs start to level out. We have both hit our down but today is it really as down as you thought yesterday?? We will make it through this and somewhere, sometime we will find real happiness in ourselves...We have to believe this! Stay strong!

[ocean9]

no contact = no new pain

 

I'm learning this the hard way too