Have I lost him or is there a hope? What should I do now?

[miss silent]

Hi everyone

 

I am new here and I would really appreciate your opinions. I am really sad because my relationship ended last week. I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I think the problem was mainly becasue I can become really needy and dependant and he is quite an independent person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. I think I was already looking for a serious relationship and I think he wanted to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. He tried as much as he could to fulfill me but I was still pushing for more. I wanted him to love me a lot and I guess I became obsessed with our relationship. When we broke up the first time he still kept in touch with me and we were still meeting each other but I soon realised it was too hurtful for me because I was hoping he would change his mind. For him it was convenient I think at that time so I decided after about a month or so of being in this convenient relationship for him to end it all with him. I walked out on him and said I didn't want anything to do with him anymore because it hurt too much! He was doing everything to win me back. He called my mobile phone million times but I refused to answer. His friend told me that he was really upset and down and that he really wanted to talk to me but I refused. the next day he started to call me again the whole day! he came to my house asking me to get back to him and to have a real relationship! I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I thought ok i'll give us the chance. This was last year in September. He actually became quite attentive and caring and I thought now finally we are going to be together and happy! There were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with writing his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot. I became so attached to him emotionally it was so hard for me to just be independent from him and not to worry about him.

 

In October he had to leave to go back to his country so our relationship became long-distance. We decided to keep going becasue we thought it's worth trying. He had to leave becasue he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy between us because of the distance but we were trying. He started his job and he became quite busy so I started to feel neglected and I became really needy and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. It gets lonely so I was looking for him all the time. I was aware that my dependance on him is driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I felt desparate! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thining of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! They were really nice to me! I also met his friends! I was really happy to be with him again! We spent a really nice week in his country! It was hard to leave again! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. They liked him a lot too! My parents liked him so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept asking him if he is going to come to see me and he kept saying that had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him and that he will leave if I don't stop! But he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention all the time so much! Well the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. Moreover my boss has been kind of creepy with me so I wasn't feeling on the top. My boyfriend was there for me a lot and he was really protective of me! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! We reached the feeling of feeling so happy and in love! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! He kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. We talked about me moving closer to him so we could see each other more often. I started to look for jobs so I could move closer!

 

I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came to pick me from the airport, he was rushing from work to get me and he brought me the most beautiful flower! Not only was it Valentine's Day but also our first year anniversary! I was in heaven.. he had my photos near his bed and he was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! We were so happy to be together again! We had to wait one month and a half! However, on Saturday he was feeling tired and he was not in the best mood. He was tired from work. He works quite long hours. However, i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other often! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row that evening and it was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed that I didn't trust him enough to see that he was just tired. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him! He said that something has to happen soon otherwise he said it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you! He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard but when he saw me being so indifferent about it, he started to cry! When I saw the consequence of my reaction I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me and he kept crying! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He was not the same anymore. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. It hurt so much! I felt really bad! I tried my best to tell him that I didn't mean it but he said even though he could forgive, he couldn't forget! I felt devastated! I decided to book a weekend to go and see him. This was last weekend. He said to me that if I was coming to see him to bother him and to fight with him, I should stay at home but if I went to see him to have a good time I am welcome to see him. So I decided to go.

 

I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me not to go that he needed space from me to feel better but I diddn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! It was strange between us. There was this gap and this distance between us. On Saturday we had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but I could feel he was quite irritated. He said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and we met but he told me "It's over" "It's over" He was so upset! He said Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it! I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. He said he wanted to be away from me. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each otehr and he said he is sorry but he said he is not feeling good about his life at the moment and he can't give me what I need. He said he is afraid of commitment. He said he wants to see what else is out there! he said he wants to be on his ow and free! he said he needs peace! He said to me that he needs to see other girls to see whether I am the right one for him. He said he is too young to know for sure. He said he could see I was really looking for a serious relationship and he said he is too young to give it to me right now. I appreciated his honesty and told him I understand. He said he felt relieved I did understand. He then told me that he doesn't want to close the door behing us completely and we should take a break. He said maybe one day we will be together again! He said he doesn't want to loose me and he still wants us to be in contact!

 

He is still coming next weekend to see me for the Easter weekend. He said to me that he doesn't want us to be a couple though. Do you think there is still any chance? He has been worrying about me these days asking me how I am feeling! How should I be with him when he comes next weekend? I love him and I still want us to be together but I am respecting his decision! This is what he told me when we had the open talk:

 

He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset and hurt and I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down we lied next to each other and he hugged me.. I was crying so much.. He said to me that he wanted to be completely honest with me but he said that he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while and he hasn't been really sure whether I was the girl for him. He admitted that he knew that he was not making the maximum efforts with me.. he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He also said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship than he wanted and he said he is afraid of commitment. He said that he is really sorry but he said that he didn't want to lead me on.. He also said that because I am older than him 2 years and have a little bit more experience with relationships. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he said he can't give me the stability now. He said that he has just started his job after his studies and he said he is not really sure about his own life. He said he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is not happy with his life. He said that he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. So i guess he doens't want to miss out on anything. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted and he wanted to be sincere with me. He said he has never been unfaithful and he has never tried anything with another girl but he said now he wants to still experience what other girls are like. He said he only had 2 relationships in his life and one of them was when he was only 17 and the next one with me. He says he is too young to be serious like I wish to be and he said he is aware that most of our problems were stemming from that.

 

I was so sad to hear that but I know I can't force him and I said to him that I understand he needs to experience more. I said to him that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was so amazed how understanding I was. He was so grateful for that! I said to him that I feel like I have damaged this relationship by being too needy and too demanding and I felt like I lost him. He said that it's true that he felt not free enough. he took me for a dinner and we talked really openly about everything. He said that he still wants to enjoy his life before becoming serious (He is 24 years old.) But he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. This morning he said he was sad. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me. He said it'll be ok. He said please don't worry it's not your fault. It's me. I said to him maybe if I didn't come this weekend, it would have been different. He said he didn't think so. he said it wouldn't have changed the situation because he said it would have happened anyway sooner or later.

 

So here I am feeling strange and sad. I said to him that I hope taking a break doesn't mean he is trying to make it less painful for me instead of just breaking up. He said no. He said that it wouldn't be respectful. He said that he doesn't want to close the door completely. He still wants to hear from me. He said it was bad timing for us and maybe one day we will be together again once we sort out our lives.

 

What do you all think about it? He was so caring and so worrying about me! He told me he felt relieved I understood him and I accepted the reason for his decision. Does anyone have a similar experience? And has it worked out? He said that we were fighting a lot and so that didn't make him motivated more. He said it made him feel like he wants to see something else. As much as this giving break gives me a hope I am not sure what to do really. I am not sure if he will ever realise if I am the girl he wants if he says that we fought a lot. He said maybe one day we will be together again but it's not sure. I said to him maybe one day you will find a girl you want who is independent and less needy. I know that's what you want. He said yes maybe but maybe she will not care enough about me and I will not like that. But he said it's true that so far he has had girls who wanted to be commited and involved a lot. I wonder whether being in contact with him is a good idea. I don't want to loose him completely but i am wondering if he is ever going to realise about me anything if I am still there....

 

I miss him so much! I am confused and lost. On one hand I am happy he was honest with me and told me the truth sooner and not later and that the reason for us to separate is not another person. But on the other hand, I have so many questions inside me.. I am hurt and I am sad and obviously as you all can imagine I am wondering if we can ever be together again and both of us be ready for a serious relationship or is this completely lost.

 

And this is our conversation from today:

i just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u

next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see

me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a

while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m

not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth

about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that

we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit

of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please

 

have a good day

 

xxx

 

 

I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied:

 

yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more

if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was

true!

xxx

 

I said to him:

 

i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx

 

He replied:

 

i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont

want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it

wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure.

U know i said that cos cecile was in this kind of situation with guillaume, she

was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they

may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to

u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying

that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the

future. xxx

 

He then added:

 

I forgot to ask u , did u have ur interview in german on the phone?

xxx

 

I said:

 

It's tonight at 7 pm. She is going to call me tonight.

>

> I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a

> different relationship to Cecile's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait

> and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each

> other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we

> feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you?

> Sorry about the questions. xxx

>

He replied:

 

good luck then! hope u will do well!

of course it was different between us than with cecile's situation cos we

stayed more than one year together which is not cecile's case. but i didnt say

that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will

be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would

never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and

that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be

again together

 

xxx

 

I am sorry about the length! please everyone what do you all think about this? Is there a hope for us?

 

Miss silent

[passions1]

Don't forget that you are still young as well & that there are plenty of good guys out there as well! You should never wait for a man, because like he said he has no guarantees that you 2 will end up together. In the meantime just meet other guys & make the comparisons, both good & bad to see if he is right for you or not. Besides you're still working on your career as well, so obivously timing is off. It's ok to still to continue a friendship with your ex, but nothing further than that! So it has to be kept platonic while you are talking, meeting up with other men. If you do get lonely, try to find hobbies, activities of your interest. Join some groups or clubs that have similar interests as yours. Nothing is more attractive to a person, than a person with his/her own identity & own life before a guy or girl comes into the picture. Friends/family are critical during your time of need, so it's great that you still keep in touch. I wish you good luck & remember that to have fun when meeting new people & don't expect anything serious. Just go with the flow & you will eventually meet a guy that will be right for you at the right time. Good luck!

[SandyD]

I had a situation very similar to yours. Here´s what I think: your ex boyfriend is a very decent guy, he cares about you a great deal. He is trying to be upfront with you about what he wants, and it´s probably not very easy for him. Because you fight and break up out of insecurity, he probably is always on edge around you and is always kind of walking on egg shells. It´s very hard to be around someone who distorts everything you say or meant due to insecurity.

 

He probably did love you a great deal, but now he´s not sure he can be with someone who is emotionally fickle because it hurts him. He has probably hurt more than you know because of all your fights, and he´s trying to look out for himself. It´s not that easy for him either... he wants to make sure you´ll be ok, and he´s probably used to having you as well.

 

I would take this break as a break up. You might get back together again, but don´t live your life according to that. Go out and meet new people (I´m not saying right now, give yourself some time, but do get out there eventually). I personally would stop all contact for a few months. If you keep in contact both of you will keep getting hurt by a mock friendship, where you will be trying to get closer and he will be pulling away. Keeping in contact might even ruin your chances of truly getting back together b/c I´m sure you´ll keep having the same conversations and expectations, thus getting nowhere. You both need time apart, believe me on this. Don´t start seeing him as friends... you must believe this. It will get you nowhere in your situation.

 

I know that you probably feel horrible, and think that you could´ve done so many things differently... so now is the time to reflect upon all of the issues that came up during this relationship, find out why you fought so much, learn a few things about yourself, and if need be, improve and know not to make the same mistakes again. Maybe he isn´t the right guy for you. Maybe you need someone who dotes more on you, who wants the same level of commitment... although he seems like a decent guy, he´s not perfect. Nobody is.

 

I hope everything turns out ok for you!!!

[miss silent]

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for your replies and your opinions! I really appreciate that! I am going through waves - one minute I am thinking I must let him go and I must accept it and try to move on but then I start to think about him and our times and I really miss him! We used to text each other and call each other! Now there is this silence! I still cannot understand how could he just give up? He was the one telling me he wanted me to move closer to him so we can see each other more often and have a proper relationship. He wasn't happy with the distance. Why couldn't he wait a little longer for me? I was supposed to move at the end of June and possibly try to be closer to him! There were times he behaved as if he was really commited to me!! I am sad thinking that he must fell out of love with me after the disastrous weekend when I overreacted with him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I was living clsoer to him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I have taken the relationship slowly and stopped pushing him for more? I didn't look for a marriage! I guess the long-distance was hard for us and I wanted to be closer to him as well! I thought he wanted the same thing? Why did he suddenly change his mind like this? I am so sad thinking that he broke up with me because of the distance and because he wants to have a girl who is closer to him and unfortunately I couldn't do it now because I couldn't just leave the country and move to his. I needed more time and I am sad he couldn't wait. I am aware that we were having arguments a lot but that was mainly because we were so far away from each other and then when we met we had the highest expectations of the weekends.. I miss him terribly! I wonder whether he is happier now without me.

 

Like I said he is coming to see me next weekend for the Easter holiday! What would you advise how to be with him? Do you think I should hope for anything this weekend? My friends told me that they are surprised he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holidays with his family and friends... they say that he must still care so much for me.. In a way it's true that he works now so he doesn't get to see his family very often. I really appreciate he is spending the holiday with me. Why do you think he would still come even if he decided to break up with me? I always thought that if you break up with someone and you don't want to be with them anymore, you want to be far from them at least for now.. I know that we said he would still come here because he doesn't want me to spend the holiday on my own. I live abroad without my family and so he is maybe coming here because he would not like me to be alone.. that's very sweet of him but I am still wondering he would prefer spending the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us..

 

What do you all think? How should I be with him when he comes? I still love him and miss him so much! I still hope for a relationship with him to be honest! But at the same time I really want to respect his decision becasue he obviously wasn't happy with me and I want him to be happy! It's just that I still cannot believe he left because not a very long time ago he used to tell me he loves me so much and I was his best girlfriend.. something has changed a lot in such a short time!

[miss silent]

Hello everyone! I am so down today so I came here to vent and to ask you for your help please! I haven't contacted him the whole weekend! On Sunday evening I received an email from HIM

 

He said:

 

how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my weekendresting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good!

 

How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have

let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now?

 

good night

 

xxx

 

I didn't expect this email to be honest! I thought we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till this morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible!

 

he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!"

 

What do you all think? I am quite confused! Please help! I am not sure what to do or how to be with him! I don't want him to be comfortable with us as "friends"! I still love him!

 

I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " He is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us

 

I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it!

 

He is coming to see me on Friday! I am still wondering why would he want to do that! I feel he must care a lot because he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holiday with his family and friends.. We are far from each other.. so it's not like a convienience for him.. I just don't understand it! I have been really strong! I have not contacted him! I have not called him to beg for another chance.. I haven't! and I was advised to act happy now! but I worry though that if I sound happy he will think that I am happier now without him than when I was with him.. and he would not want to come back. What do you suggest? But I know if I am miserable he won't come back to me..

 

He sent me another email this morning asking me if I was well and asking me about this weekend.. telling me that we could go and see a show and asking me if there was anything I wanted to do so we can organise our weekend.. I haven't replied! I am so confused.. I love him and I am sure seeing him this weekend will be hard but I don't want to call it off..

 

What do you think about the whole thing? I am so sad and confused!

 

I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them normally.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. do you think he is really interested only in a friendship?

 

I want us to be together again? do you think this coming weekend could be a chance for us? But his emails suggest he doesn't want to come back now so why is he still travelling here? I am so confused I am in tears Please help everyone! I need your help! I really appreciate all your help! I am not understanding it all! i am so confused! Should I hope or not?

[fredericksen]

well i'm sorry to hear your situation, i am going through something of the sort. my girlfriend dropped me about 3 weeks ago or so and I'm in such a pickle also. She wants to be friends and still keep in contact and still have deep conversations but doesn't want anything more as of right now. when and if you bring up if he misses you does he get upset or mad that you asked? I know my ex gf gets upset and cries if i try to mention anything to do with it, its a mixed signal because last time she broke up with me she wouldn't talk about anything having to do with me and her either but she ended up wanting me back a month or two later after i moved on and was making plans for my future without her....but this time i believe its different, and i dont think she is coming back. you'll never really know until the time comes but you should try to get your mind off of him, i know it is hard because i cant seem to do it either about her...it really hurts to think they are giving up that easily after you spent so much time together (3 years for me). just remember that if he does not want you back that there is more to life and more people to meet, and youll find someone who makes you even happier! i know one thing i could think of to make me happier if my ex doesnt come back, she tried to control much of my life, which i didnt care becasue she was with me and what we had was wonderful and i would have given everything up for her but its just the point that she wasn't happy enough with me being myself all the time. yeah most of the changes were in good intentions and i do appreciate them but sometimes enough is enough!

[miss silent]

If you read my story you know that I am still hoping for a relationship with my boyfriend and he is coming to see me this Friday...

 

I had to come here to vent and to ask you for advice.. I spoke to a friend of mine and told him about my situation and he said that I was definitely suffocating my bf and was TOO needy and taking up too much of his time and attention. I was also way too emotional and even unpredictable, creating fights and crying and throwing tantrums until he finally felt forced and gave in to visit you in December even though it was inconvenient with his new job, dissertation, move etc. during that time.

 

that I was always threatening to him, either he sees me or else there's a fight...moving things into what I call a serious relationship but he thinks a selfish relationship where I only cared about my needs getting met and not giving him the space and time he needed to himself.

 

And during my visit to him while we were both taking a walk, and I was bugging him so he says he wished I hadn't come - again throwing a tantrum and instead of talking about why he felt that way, my response is to say I don't need him and I'll go!! He said I was so immature and I am the older one... On my previous trip when he is trying to talk to me about our relationship, I initiate a break up, hurting him deeply and making him cry, again like a childish, selfish, knee-jerk response that hurts him, confuses and bothers him, instead of like an adult talking out the situation. I make him to be this bad guy whenever he opens his mouth to complain that I am being needy, among other things...

 

He said surely he was surprised at how understanding I was in response to him saying that he would like space and be apart so that he can see other women and experience other relationships. How would I feel if I told him that I'd like to see other guys and he responded like that is absolutely fine with him? Being the sensitive person I describe him to be, he probably got upset that I was not troubled by this proposal.

 

He said that I send too many mixed signals that are extreme - from extreme neediness, to extreme indifference and hurtful actions like telling him I want to break up, then when I make him CRY and feel so hurt, say I didn't mean it! My friend said "Wow, I can't believe he has been putting up with this cra* for so long."

 

I feel gutted after talking to my friend! I feel like I must have been the worst girlfriend for him and I must have hurt him and I must have made the relationship so hard for him! I feel so sad and upset! It's my fault everything! I lost him! No wonder he wants to see other girls! He doesn't deserve me! I miss him and I love him! And now he is coming this weekend.. I can't even look into his eyes I feel so bad!

 

I guess I should forget my hope then I love him but I wasn't able to show him! It's the worst feeling ever when you love someone so much but you act as if you don't I feel so horrible about it all

[cassiana]

Dear Miss Silent.

 

Calm Down. Calm Down.

You have this really nice guy who seems to care alot about you in your life and you are driving him away. You are setting yourself up on a dangerous pattern, because if you lose this guy and get another you will only do the same thing.

Did you ever see Tv shows where thr grown up children never visit their parents because as soonas they get in the door they are criticisied for not visiting enough.

Nobody likes being constantly being fought with or criticised so stop it.

Also sometimes when people seem to neglect you its because they have alot of things on their mind and this in no way is an indicator of diminished feelings or disrespect.

You seem to me that you have extremely low self-esteem and this, ironically has made you self-centred in a very self-destructive way.

You cannot accept this guy likes you and need constant reassurance, which is selfish and unreasonable. No human can give you enough, so when he inevitably fails you punish him be telling him its over when you don't mean it. (thereby punishing your "worthless" self also) Now he has feelings too and if someone rejects you , you feel rejected. So he will think you don't want him or As he has said that he cannot give you what you want (because you denand too much reassurance). You will feel rejected and your self-esteem will drop lower and then you will meet someone else and start the whole thing allover again.

 

What can you do.

1. recognise that you have a problem.

2. Tell him this.

3. Tell him that you are going to work on it.

 

The next time you meet do not.

1. Criticise him.

2. get offended if he is tired. (how can a man ever be comfortable around you if he must constantly be perky in case you take offence)

3. get offended if hes crabby. (how can a man ever feel comfortable around you if he must constantly be chirpy in case you take offence)

4. Do NOT fight with him, no matter what.

5. Do not break up with him unless you mean it.

6. Do not put pressure on him to commit. You are both young, relax enjoy yourselves. plenty of time for that later.

7. Do not hang around him 24-7/

 

The next time you meet him.

1. Be sympathetic to his situation. If you realised what he has going

through maybe you wouldn't misinterpret every sigh.

2. Be good company. That's what we all want in our mate.

3. give him his space. If you have ever had someone cling to you, you know what a turn-off that can be.

 

I also think, you need to expend some energy in between visits. I think if you got involved in a club or some charity work, or better still, both you would calm down and get a maturer perspective on things. See a councillor too if you think it would help. You need to try and spend less time focussing on your relationship and yourself. You need to fix these things now before you end up in a destructive cycle.

 

Good Luck.