ghsmf Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 I'd like a little advice on how to forgive. My girlfriend and i had been together for 5 years and we had been engaged for 1. We were coming up to our wedding and she told me she didnt know if I was 'the one' I was devastated, she had made a close guy friend at the time and she said she had feelings for him that made her question what she felt for me. She left me in August and I was crushed. Anyway, to cut a long stry short, she began sleeping with the afor-mentioned guy (some tanned adonis from the gym). No problem with that right? She had been honest etc? 4 months later she came to my door and said she had left because she had been afraid of commitment and was just plain scared. She said she couldnt imagine life without me. I didnt think at the time, I took her back with "open arms". The engagement was back on etc. etc. I was amazed she chose me! This might normally be the beginning of a beautiful ending? Heres the hard bit - now we've been back together for 6 months and the 'dust has settled' I still cant forgive what happened (or get over it!). I still find myself very angry and jealous about what happened. I know all the things they say about 'moving on' and being positive, but I'm still in so much pain. At the moment I'm in limbo because I still feel so betrayed, but really want to be happy again. I dont want to discuss this with her because it feels like I'm 'bringing back the past'. She has been very supportive (as much as I could expect) but I still feel really short-changed sometimes. I truly feel like I'm the one who doesnt deserve her because I cant get on with things. I will lose her again if I cant get through these feelings, this time it will be my fault for not being a 'Big enough' person. If I cant forgive her actions, especially with someone who loves me what does this make me? Please help - anyone whos forgiven before, how did you do it? I've been trying to be patient, how long do I try? Link to comment
bzborow1 Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 The hardest part about your situation is not taking her back, it's the month or so down the road when everything gravitates back to normal. Ie. She is no longer in the, "i'm so sorry i'll do anything to get you back" phase. You've got to stop punishing her for the past, or you'll never get through this. Think of it this way. The past is the past, it defines who you are, and helps shape the future. The future of course being, you and her together. Whatever happened doesn't matter now because she's come and found you. Have you considered a couples therapist? It might help. Link to comment
gracee Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 i know its hard to forgive but what is much harder is really to forget, its your pride/ ego that drives you to get mad and if i were you i would take a time to think things over,i know you're afraid of lossing her but what she did hunts you,right??that is the problem, ask for a vacation say one week and go to some place and examined yourself if you are still willing to go with this girl, who slept with a guy and eventually goes back to you bec. she was afraid of commitment and what does she thinks of your relationship with you???? you will not asked her to have a break or cool-off just tell her you need to leave for few days, don't tell her the reasons, tell her that you'll go back, you just need to finish something ok???? sometimes spending time alone could help us more to analyzed things... Link to comment
popeye Posted June 5, 2003 Share Posted June 5, 2003 Dear ghsmf, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You have the right to feel angry. I don't think the question is about forgiveness anymore. I think it's a matter of compatibility of values. When she left the relationship or broke up with the engagement the first time, it gave you an opportunity to see what she really like, and I believed you didn't like what you saw, because you wouldn't have done so otherwise yourself, e.g. sleeping or "experimenting" with someone else. I don't think it is a "fear of committment" that drove her the other way, there were other reasons, and she probably feel that you may not be the "type" of guy that she is looking for (not necessary your fault, coz' there is such a thing called "incompatiblity" and it's very common), and "marrying" is definitely NOT the solution to solve an "incompatility" problem... in fact, it just might make it worse especially if you guys have kids in the future! so please, please don't beat yourself up for it. If you could see or narrow it down that it is a compatibility of values in the both of you, the answer is very clear and that's the beauty of an engagement...you can still break it off, before the big "M". Good luck at finding out the truth.... popeye Link to comment
ghsmf Posted June 5, 2003 Author Share Posted June 5, 2003 Thank you for your replies. Your thoughts have been very helpful. Thank you for your concern. GHSMF Link to comment
punkrockmachine Posted June 7, 2003 Share Posted June 7, 2003 Your story is the first i have heard, but i think you should just wait until you know if you want ot be with her or not. wellhey, you have every right to be a little flustered, so you should just keep it inside and let faith do its job Link to comment
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